Prayer Buddy Reveal

I had the privilege of praying for CM at Confessions of a Catholic Mutt. I enjoyed praying for her intentions to find that special someone and have enjoyed offering up what I can for her, including the St. Andrew Chaplet, rosaries and the daily inconveniences and hurts. CM, know that I will keep you in my prayers! Please have faith that God will hear your prayer!

NaPro vs. IVF

On my last post, there were a few questions about why IUI and IVF are wrong.  I've copied what I wrote to the question-asker, but I thought you all might provide more input too.  Please comment what I'm missing or miss-stating.  I'm not eloquent in my defense, but I hope it makes sense.  There's a lot of ground to cover.  I'm not offended at all by the question ... I just want to make sure I cover the topic thoroughly and accurately to provide good information.

Here's a great link about 10 Reasons to Choose NaPro over IVF

I believe IVF is wrong for the fact that the doctors combine the sperm and egg in a petri dish.  They take the marital act between a man & wife out of the equation.  If you've had trans-vaginal ultrasounds (where they wand you up your privates) or any other test that's invasive or impersonal, then I'm sure that's what it feels like to "make" a baby via IVF.  The doctor has you up on stirrups, inserting embryos inside you and hoping they'll take.  The embryos are actually babies, as the sperm and egg have united and have begun cell division, which I (and other Catholics and pro-lifers) acknowledge as a human life.  Also, the doctor will "selectively reduce" the number of embryos  (babies) that he implants in the mother.  That's considered killing.  Its a crime, no matter how small a baby is.  If the embryos don't take, then the babies die.  Now, mind you, it wasn't the intent of the doctor, the mother or the father to let the babies die, but sometimes that's what happens.  There's a disease that's unidentified inside the mother, there's implantation problems that aren't identified ... and a host of other problems.  The IVF (or IUI) doesn't take care of the underlying health problems that are prohibiting conception.  Its all fine and dandy that the doctor has made a viable baby in a petri dish from the mother and father, but there's no guarantee of life for the baby.  To me, that's the heartbreaking part.  To create a life, with no guarantee of a chance at birth is selfish of the parents.  I would not wish a baby that my husband and I created to not be born.  But that happens sometimes when you choose IUI and IVF.  For that reason, just for the plain fact that my husband and I haven't co-created a life and the fact that the baby may not survive are two reasons that I believe IVF is wrong, excluding quotes from the Bible or other sources.  I don't want to play God.  For us, there are plenty of other children that we can parent and love.  For us, we want to be parents ultimately, not just reproduce ourselves.  There are so many people who have had multiple IUI's or IVF's.  Its not a guarantee of a child.  This is to say nothing to the financial cost of IVF or the turmoil it takes on the prospective mother.  There are many drugs/hormones that the prospective mother has to take to produce eggs and create the proper environment for the baby.  When you mess with a woman's hormones, watch out!  :-)

Regarding IUI's, the Catholic Church has not ruled one way or another (to my knowledge) that this is a sin.  What happens in an IUI is that the sperm is deposited up inside by the cervix, bypassing the cervical mucus (which sometimes is the culprit).  My cousin who has been trying for six years had an IUI, which resulted in a baby.  Although it worked for her, for me, it still negates the loving act between a husband and wife of co-creating a child.  If I'm not meant to have a child, that's fine ... but I wish God would send me a sign sometimes instead of me guessing.  We are still open to life, although it hasn't happened yet.  We're building our marriage and strengthening our relationship the "old-fashioned" way.  Once we have a child, we will need the strength of our marriage to make things work.

If my husband and I can't create a life together, we will love the life (lives) that God brings to us.  Perhaps this is our "signal" that God chooses us to be adoptive parents.  This is not a "second choice" for us.  This is the way that we will create our family.  By choosing adoption as the way to build our family, we are sharing all the love we have with a child.  They will be ours, regardless of whether we created them.  Many adoptive moms will tell you the same.  

I don't know if this response addresses all of your questions.  I'm posting this on my blog so that others can comment and provide additional information.  Please don't hesitate to email me back or ask further questions.  I'm more than happy to discuss anything with you.  The journey to parenthood is rocky and we need all the help we can get!  :-)

You might check out the following website for more info on NaPro:  NaPro FAQ   This is the treatment that I use ... NaPro Technology (aka Creighton).  This uses a woman's cervical mucus (CM) to see when she's most fertile, as well as charting the mucus signs.  In doing it this way, the NaPro doctor can see if there are other health issues that are preventing a pregnancy.  I've discovered several things through charting and observing my CM ... hormone issues, a post-ovulation defect, endometriosis.  These are things your normal doctor or an IVF doctor won't check for.  NaPro / Creighton is about treating underlying diseases in a woman so she is overall healthy, which then may result in a pregnancy.  That's also how insurance can cover treatments ... its a general health issue.

I feel like I've skipped around a bit ... this is a lot of information.  Please comment or email me with questions.  And ... please know that I'm praying for you!

Frustration

So, I've been staying off of Facebook for several reasons ... I don't want to see anyone's ultrasound picture and I don't want to hear/read about babies.  I'm blissfully ignorant.
Tonight, my sister calls me and in the process of our conversation asks me if I saw M&K who had posted their infertility story on FB and others had shared their link.  I go to check it out and its about how they want to win a "Free IVF Cycle" at one of the clinics ... vote for us!
They had made and edited a video of "their story" and it was well produced and all, but I couldn't shake the disgust I felt when watching it.  These are two people I grew up with, both attending the same Catholic High School I went to.  What I can't follow is how we apparently didn't attend the same religion classes, b/c they can't figure out that as Catholics, we believe that IVF is a mortal sin!  I think this would be their third attempt and they've posted that they've had 4th miscarriages from IUI's & an IVF before.
I feel compelled to say something.  It wasn't just them who were asking for votes, it was the rest of my fellow thought-to-be-Catholic classmates and mothers-of-classmates who were sharing the link and actually VOTING for them!  Like they, as Catholics, didn't know WHY they shouldn't (the super disgusting / disturbing thing is that many of them go to Communion without a second thought).  Ummm, maybe prayer is the answer, not voting for an IVF win.  Isn't this voting for them is some way a sin of sorts?
UGHHHHH!!!  I'm so disgusted.  I feel bad for M&K because they have lost babies, but I just want to scream at them through my computer and post something irrational.  I had to close the site before I did something stupid, but this situation drives me NUTS!!!   I'd better get off the internet before I post something in FB that I can't take back.

I'm sure there are blog readers who support IVF, but as a Catholic, I do not.  It is leaves God out of the act of conception.  If you don't believe the same as I do, please don't comment.  I don't want to debate you on your belief system.  This is my opinion and its not gonna be changed.

Thank You!

I thought I'd post an update to let you know how the talk went with my friend.  It didn't.  I expected her to give me a call, as I let her know what a good time was to call, but she never did.  I figured maybe she fell asleep or something.  I distracted myself today with reading blogs and budgeting, but secretly, I hoped all day that she wouldn't call.  I am a bit of a chicken, but I'm glad that I have more time before talking to her.
I want to say a HUGE Thank You to all of you who have prayed and lifted me up in prayer as I faced the aftermath of my emotions due to her announcement and as I asked for help in what to do regarding her phone call!!!  I am humbled at your friendship, your kind words and your prayers for me. Just a few days ago, I was so horribly angry and upset.  Thanks to your advice & prayers, I can say that today I don't feel such raw emotions ... even after spending the morning with my pregnant SIL & BIL who spent the night last night and half the day with us.  I even had pleasant conversation with them!  Gasp!  Seeing her baby bump was mildly irritating, because I want a baby too, but I tried to be happy for them and it didn't hurt quite so bad as I thought.  I hope these feelings will stay after today.
Thank you for all your comments and sharing your experiences.  Each and every comment means so much to me and I will be following the wonderful suggestions you provided when I talk to my pregnant friend next.  It just helps SO MUCH to know that I'm not alone and what I'm feeling is normal.

Internal Debate

I'm not sure what to do.  My friend who told me a few short days ago that she's pregnant again, this time with twins, wants to talk to me on the phone tomorrow afternoon (Sunday).  I'm not scared of talking to her, I'm scared of the topic of conversation.   She is the type of friend who likes to talk, and so in our conversations, I always end up listening most of the time.  If you've ever watched Sex & the Ci.ty, then my friend is most like Carrie ... every show (aka conversation) revolves around her at some point.  I've been friends with her since I was 16, so it has been a 14 year friendship, and she's known about my struggles with infertility, my surgeries, etc.

At the end of her "big announcement text" a few days ago, she wrote "please don't hate me,"  so I'm sure the gist of Sunday's conversation will be "how do you feel," and "this is how I feel."  She's already been telling me in additional messages how tired she is, etc. When I texted her back after her shocking news, I did say "all the right things" ... Congratulations! ... I'll bet you were surprised ... How is your little boy reacting? ... etc.  I told her that I wasn't mad at her, but I'm not sure I'm ready to open up this wound.

From the RESOLVE website:  (emphasis mine)
It would be rare to find a woman experiencing infertility who has not, at one time or another, found herself feeling unwanted emotions such as anger or envy toward other women for their pregnancies. Many women find this aspect of infertility the most difficult. Women in general tend to have great difficulty with experiences such as competition and envy; they are more comfortable connecting with each other through collaboration and support. The experience of infertility often results in women suddenly feeling separate and “on the outside,” without the support and understanding that they have grown to rely upon from trusted friends. Women experiencing infertility are often unable to provide support to their pregnant friends because it is simply too painful to do so. The onslaught of painful, primitive emotions that women experiencing infertility may feel in response to other women’s pregnanacies can be quite shocking: Some women may feel that they no longer recognize themselves. Often, women pull away and isolate, suffering in loneliness and silence. It is this isolation and pain that often drives people to find RESOLVE.  (Its true  ... I spent all morning looking at their website!)

Do I email my friend and say that I'm not ready to talk yet?

Do I be brave and talk about her new babies even though I don't want to?

There is a phrase on the RESOLVE website under Infertility Etiquette that is written to a pregnant fertile about their infertile friend:  "The fact that an infertile friend is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate a new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her."  This phrase really sticks with me ... so maybe I should just endure my pain for the sake of her happiness? 

Advice?  I just don't know what to do.

Blown out of the Water

Well, I got the most unexpected news of the year this morning.  One of my best friends just told me that she's pregnant again ... with twins.  This is the best friend who I told over three years ago that we had been trying for awhile to get pregnant.  This is the best friend who had her little boy two years ago.  Now she is pregnant with twins.
I'm not sure how to feel ... of course I'm happy for her, I guess, somewhere deep inside.  But the hurt of her being pregnant AGAIN, of being lapped twice, of her being blessed with two babies when I just want one, just hurts me to the core.  I'm so unbelievably upset right now.  And I'm so MAD.  I hate this stupid unfairness where people just want one baby ... they'll do anything ... and other people, not even trying, get the privilege of bringing children into the world.
I don't know how I'm going to make it through mass tonight.  I don't even feel like going.  I unfortunately read the email at work, so I've got to process this during the workday.  Oh, yeah, and its CD2 today.  Talk about pissed off and hormones.
Prayer buddy, please pray for strength for me.  Cause I really need some right now.

Asking for your Prayers (UPDATED)

I'm asking for prayers, if you could spare them, for my co-worker, Amber.  She went to the ER this morning as she is having headaches, loss of vision in her left eye, numbness on the left side of her face & dizziness.  She's a wife & mother to two little kids - and everyone is scared of what may be wrong.
If you could spare some prayers for God to heal her and provide the doctors with the knowledge of what's wrong, I would appreciate it so much.

UPDATE:  Amber found out she had a visual migrane (in the eye) after doing some testing.  If you could instead pray for financial security for her and her family, it would still be wonderful.  I know she's stressed about paying the bills, as her husband had to have an unexpected surgery last month and has been off work the last two months and will continue to be until his leg heals.  Thank you so much for your prayers!  They always work!

Thanksgiving Weekend

I know its been awhile since I last posted.  Aside from work and traveling home to our parents' houses for Thanksgiving celebrations, we've been living a pretty boring lives.

Morgan @ Life as We Know It ... Robbins Style gifted me with the Liebster Award!  Morgan was my prayer buddy during Summer Prayer Buddies.  She's an awesome, funny, prayerful gal who is also waiting to become a mom someday.  I feel a real connection and friendship with her.  Thanks, Morgan!  I'll be paying you back with prayer!  :-)

As far as an update on our first adoption situation, we're counting that situation as a loss.  We never heard anything back from the case worker, so they didn't pick us.  Its OK.  It wasn't the right one.  We're still optimistic.  I talked to Sue, our adoption worker last week and she said that we can network with other agencies or lawyers and give them our profile book / letters.  My MIL knows of an agency in a larger town south of us that helped a friend of a friend.  You know the story.  But I think I'll call there tomorrow and check it out.  I'm not sure what road we're supposed to take on this adoption journey ... if we're supposed to sit and be patient ... but I feel better being proactive, so we're going to go lawyer-exploring.  Hopefully we won't have to pay unless we're matched.  And hopefully we find some reputable lawyers!

We spent Thanksgiving and the Friday after at my parents' house.  My youngest sister, her fiancé and my little brother were there, but we were missing my middle sister, who celebrated Thanksgiving in South Dakota (and spent 24 hours in a car that week, no fun!).   It was a pretty fun time.  We ate a lot (of course) and hung out.  We visited my grandma, who wasn't feeling too good and didn't come over to my parents' house on Thanksgiving.  I know she is lonely and missing my Grandpa, who has been gone 4 years now.  We talked with my parents about how our adoption process was going and I told them about our first situation that didn't happen.  I was happy that they asked, although its a little uncomfortable to talk about ... everyone's eyes are on me, while I tell myself that "I will not cry when I tell this story."

Thanksgiving at my in-laws this year was HARD!  We drove down on Friday night about 10 pm and the whole way down, I was dreading spending the next few days there.  This was the first time I was going to see my pregnant SIL, L, who would be showing now ... my MIL was going to probably be talking all about the new grand baby ... and I was going to have to participate in family events.  My stomach was in knots on the drive down and once we drove into town, all I could do was try not to cry, while praying to St. Anne and St. Therese over and over again to please be with me and help me handle this.  I thought of all you bloggers who are IF and were enduring holidays like mine and tried to tell myself that I wasn't alone.  It kind of worked.  I was still super-nervous. (I like to blow up situations in my head that usually don't end up happening quite like I imagine.)  I saw L for the first time, smiled and said "hi."  My MIL did enough talking for the rest of the night and I called it a night early.

The next day, at their Thanksgiving dinner, my hubby's grandma showed up.  I was excited to see her, as she's the grandma who is IF and adopted her sister's two kids (one of which is hubby's mom; his grandma's sister kept another two).  Great-Grandma was excited about the new great-grandbaby (I can't blame her; I love her anyway.  She's 92 and has given thanks to God no matter what her situation).  So my BIL, C, who's the baby's daddy, was talking SUPER LOUD to Great Grandma about how "yes, L's STILL pregnant and she's due in Feb. on the 14th, what a special Valentine's Day present, etc" while they're right next to me ... ignoring the fact that I don't want to be a part of this conversation, let alone hear it.  I left that end of the living room and headed towards my hubby, where I sat and stared at the TV, trying to watch the football game that was on, even though I don't really like sports.  I was engrossed, trying not to cry.  My favorite "trick" to not cry is to count.  I count anything ... pictures, vases, lights ... anything with a number.  I count these objects over and over again, to try and remove myself from the emotions that are this.close to exploding out of my eyes and are currently breaking my heart.  Then I see the picture frame with the letters "Jay.den" cut out and framed.  Its the new baby's name.  Displayed in a picture frame that says "Grandparents" on the entertainment center shelving, next to the TV.  I couldn't help it.  The tears started to fall.  My sweet hubby handed me a kleenex and I tried to stop crying.  Then, my oblivious BIL & SIL came over to try and talk to the both of us.  I had to look away, because of my red, watery eyes.  Thankfully, hubby answered most of the questions & tried to take the attention off of me.

The "baby" topic of conversation continued throughout the day ... at the table, on the phone, during games, etc.  My MIL is now going to have an unwrapping of "teeny-tiny baby clothes" at Christmas, that I am supposed to be excited about (or something), b/c she winked at me, like I would look forward to this display of fabric.  All weekend, whenever the baby topic began, I would find an excuse to get up from the area and head off to do something else.  It kind of worked.  I still was upset, but I didn't cry anymore.  I could still hear their conversations, though.

I take that back.  I didn't cry anymore until the last hour with my in-laws.  Everyone else had gone home.  We were sitting there at the table, chatting.  All weekend, the baby talk had been spoken with my pregnant BIL & SIL, and now here we were with my MIL asking about how our adoption was going.  She told me about a lawyer who, when he and his wife found out they were infertile, decided they were going to "save children and adopt them."  It was that topic and a few other things.  I began to count.  Then I tried to multiply in my head.  It was a rather large number.  I am bad at math.  I couldn't help it.  I just couldn't.  I began to cry.  It was too much.  It hurt.  My MIL gave me a hug, but I still couldn't stop crying.  I didn't say much, because it was hard to talk when crying, but I just told her between sobs that I hurt.  I told her that it was hard to be patient.  I hope that she got the message.  She apologized and said that she wanted to know about our adoption process, but wasn't sure what to say.  I know she meant well.  And I'm not mad that I cried.  I'm actually happy that she can see how much I HURT waiting to be a mom.  I'm not proud of not "waiting well," but I can't bottle up my emotions either.

I told my husband that I'm making myself a shirt to wear for Christmas.  I'm not sure what goes on the front of it, but on the back, in big letters it says this, "If you can see me, I can hear you!  And I don't want to hear about no babies!"  Its not the nicest shirt in the world, but it was honestly how I felt after getting through Thanksgiving that weekend.  I'm not sure how I'm going to get through Christmas.  I'm probably the most upset at the oblivious BIL & SIL, but I know I'm raining on their parade by being such a baby-grinch, so don't worry, I won't make the t-shirt.

Husbands & Vitamins ... not a good combo!

I am SO MAD at my husband.  ARGH!
It all started tonight when it was time to take my daily meds: my thyroid meds, T3, several pills to enhance my CM, my multivitamin and my Omega3 pills ... quite the handful!  I split my stash into three gulps, because some of them are huge and I have a fear of myself choking on one that gets lodged in my throat.  After half a glass of liquid, I get them down.
My hubby has two day-of-the-week cases ... one by the computer (for the morning)  & one by the couch in the living room  (for the evening) that I pre-sort for him ... how convenient for him!  I only have him taking three pills, twice a day ... one for a multi-vitamin, a Vitamin C and Ferti.lAid.  That's it.
I ask him if he would like to take his evening pills too.  They are right next to him on the coffee table.  All he's got to do is reach over and pop the cover off the pre-sorted pill box, pop them in his mouth and wash them down with water, which is (conveniently) sitting on the same coffee table.  He moans and groans about taking them.  "They make me burp and I can taste them all evening," he says.  WAHHHHH!
Does he know what I do to try and be healthy to conceive a baby?  I take handfuls of pills twice a day at specific intervals, chart my CM all the time at each bathroom visit, get wanded twice a month (hello, super fun - not!), get progesterone shots five days a month and have to keep up with all the doctors, meds and tests ... and he is upset because all he has to do is take some stupid pills twice a day ... which he NEVER does anyway?  Did I mention that I've had three surgeries to try and fix my broken self?
It is just so frustrating and I know I'm angry and shouldn't be posting this, but I just need to vent.  Its bad enough that I AM the broken one and its up to me to fix everything.  HE's fine, his little guys are just great, so he doesn't need to take vitamins.  He's Mr. Perfect.  I'm Ms. Broken.  Little does he know how hurt I am that he can't contribute in this small way to the possible conception of a child.  I'm doing everything in MY power and he's got not a care in the world.
Its nothing to stay mad over ... so I'm not going to be ... but do any of your husbands give you grief over this kind of trivial stuff?

I am a Liebster Blog Award Winner!

Jess @ When the Music Fades has generously awarded me with the Liebster Blog Award!  Thanks so much, Jess!!!  You're so sweet!!!

The Liebster Award spotlights up and coming bloggers who generally have less than 200 followers. 


My Liebster Blog Award Winners are:
1.  C @ Patiently Waiting .... Kinda
2.  G @ Renewing Moments
3.  E @ A Martha trying to be Mary
4.  M @ Finally Parents
5.  I Must Have Prayed for Patience


Upon receipt of the Liebster Blog Award, there are a few very simple rules: 
1. Copy and paste the award on your blog
2. Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you
3. Reveal your top 5 picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.
4. Hope that your followers will spread the love to other bloggers.

No News Yet

Just wanted to let you all know that there is no news yet.  We don't know anything one way or the other.  I'm not sure whether or not to call Sue and ask her how long the process takes in which the birth parents decide who they select.  I guess as an adoption "novice," I could.  I would imagine that she'll let us know even if we don't get picked.  How long does the "selection" process by the birth parents take?

I had a thought on Monday night that perhaps this is God's way of getting me through Thanksgiving with my pregnant sister-in-law, "L".  I have the possibility of being a mother ... until I hear otherwise.  I can pretend that the birth parents are picking us.  I am hoping it will lessen the pain and jealousy I might feel when seeing "L's" pregnant self over the holiday weekend.

Please Pray with Us!

I haven't posted too much in the last week or so, but I've been reading everyone's posts.  Lunch is my favorite part of the day ... I eat and read blogs.  :-)

Not much has been happening in our lives.  I was bitten by the "I'm getting fat" bug, so I've been trying to move around more and eat less, without actually doing exercising moves.  I mowed the lawn and cut down all the dead flowers for the winter ... so that was a productive Saturday.  Then yesterday, the hubby and I cleaned our cars out and did errands for the week, as well as two little fix-it projects around the house.  I'm trying to do a little thing each day and hope it makes a difference.  Plus, I need to get motivated to actually get to the gym.  At my last cycle review on Friday, Dr. Keefe increased my thyroid med dosage, so I hope that gets me more in gear than I've been.  Most nights, I crash on the couch by 8:30 pm b/c I'm pooped!

And in other EXCITING NEWS ... I just got the first call only ten minutes ago from our case worker, Sue, that they will be showing our profile book / letter to one set of birthparents.  Now, I know this does not mean anything serious, as adoption situations fall through all the time or other couples are picked instead ... but to me, it is EXCITING as I am realizing that my dream of being a mother MAY ACTUALLY BE POSSIBLE and not just something out of my grasp.  I am not telling my family yet, as who knows what will happen ... so you all get to be the first to know (after my hubby, of course)!!!  I would like to ask for your prayers to join with ours ... with the specific intention for the birth family that they pick the right family, whether that is us or not.

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart; and lean not upon your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct your path.”  Proverbs 3:5-6 

St. Therese of Lisieux

This is an excerpt written by St. Therese of Lisieux in "The Story of a Soul."  It's about the day St. Therese thought would have been her entrance day into the Carmelites.  This was shared by "Mari" on the Yahoo Catholic IF site, and after I read it this morning, I was so moved that I just had to share it with you (emphasis mine).


"My heart was broken when going to Midnight mass; I was counting so much on assisting at it behind Carmel's grilles!  This trial was very great for my faith, but the One who watches even when he sleeps made me understand that to those whose faith is like that of a mustard seed He grants miracles and moves mountains in order to strengthen this faith which is still small; but for His intimate friends, for His Mother, He works no miracles before having tried their faith.   Did He not allow Lazarus to die even after Martha and Mary told Him he was sick?  At the wedding of Cana when the Blessed Virgin asked Jesus to come to the help of the head of the house, didn't He answer her that His hour had not yet come? But after the trial, what a reward?  The water was changed into wine & Lazarus was raised from the dead!"  Thus Jesus acted toward His little Therese: after having tried her for a long time, He granted all the desires of her heart.

"If God hasn’t answered your prayer yet, perhaps He is strengthening your heart for something greater.”   - Nick Vujicic (Author of "Life Without Limbs")

Approved to Adopt & St. Jude Novena

Well, its official!  Sue, our adoption worker said that "As soon as you give us your Adoption Learning Partners Course Certificates, you will be ready to adopt." Guess what I just emailed off?!?!?!?!?  :)  The hubby and I buckled down tonight to spend three hours watching videos so we could receive our certificates and email our "proof" off to the correct authority.  Sue's words definitely got these two procrastinators in gear!  Its exciting and a little scary for this milestone to be complete.

Now I'm trying to figure out how long the waiting game will be.  I realize its all in God's hands, but I am beginning to pray for our unknown Birthmother and her decision to choose us to raise her child.  Does anyone have any good prayers for this?  It might be better than my rambling thoughts each night.  :)

Also, the feast of St. Jude Thaddeus is October 28th.  St. Jude is acknowledged to be the patron saint of forgotten causes, impossible causes and lost causes (hello ... infertility and motherhood!!!).  This novena is what I am starting tonight.  I figure the more novenas I pray, the more apt I will be to finish all nine days!  It is usually a struggle. Perhaps I could add an alarm on my phone .... but it might be confusing with my three "wake up" alarms *and* the ones for my medicine twice a day.  There aren't enough "good" ringtones to keep it all straight.  :)

                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Also, the feast of Blessed Pope John Paul II is this Saturday, October 22nd (thanks to Jeremiah 29:11 for the info - it's also her birthday! - how special!).  Here is a prayer for the intercession of this soon-to-be-Saint:

O Blessed Trinity,
We thank you for having graced the Church with Pope John Paul II and for allowing the tenderness of your Fatherly care, the glory of the cross of Christ, and the splendor of the Holy Spirit, to shine through him.

Trusting fully in Your infinite mercy and in the maternal intercession of Mary, he has given us a living image of Jesus the Good Shepherd, and has shown us that holiness is the necessary measure of ordinary Christian life and is the way of achieving eternal communion with you.

Grant us, by his intercession, and according to Your will, the graces we implore, hoping that he will soon be numbered among your saints.  Amen.

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Congratulations to G @ Renewing Moments!

Please congratulate G @ Renewing Moments on the birth of her second daughter, Rosie!  I meant to blog about it last week ... but will do it this week instead.
Please keep her in your prayers as she adjusts to being a mom of two!  They just arrived home and she promises to write soon about Rosie's birth ... but in the meantime, check out her blog to catch up on her adoption story!

Inspiration Worth Remembering

Provided by Donna @ What if God Says No   

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"I'm learning more about surrendering to God's will -- which doesn't have to mean "giving up."  

"I'm taking my soul on a journey its never been on before. It's exciting and scary, all at once."  

 - Lavished with Lemons

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Waiting is not an unanswered prayer.   Waiting IS the answer.   For now.

"Lord, please change the way we see waiting.  Help us to see that it is not our enemy, but a part of Your wonderful, divine plan for us.  Teach us to look for its hidden treasures and to conquer our feelings of doubt and impatience.  Help us to look back on our waiting with fond memories as we recall how You led us through this difficult time."

 - Patiently Waiting ... Kinda

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"God knows when something glorious in the future necessitates something difficult in the present. Because He knows the glory will be worth it, God will risk being misunderstood." - Beth Moore

 - Dusty and Amy

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“Because sometimes in the waiting for what we long for, we praise God long when the gift comes at long last. Sometimes God has his people wait long, so our gratitude becomes deeper and wider.”   - Ann Voskamp, The Jesse Tree Journey

It was chosen for me – the waiting.  I choose my response.  I can – without seeing – love my children, bless them, and expect them.  My first act as mother – to release them to God’s timing.  Full of watchful, patient expectation, I trust God and praise Him for the gift I cannot yet see, but believe is coming.   - (in)Courage "Waiting in My Wings"
“But those who wait on the Lord will find new strength. They will fly on wings like eagles.”  Isaiah 40:31 
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What Sew Would Say....
What the present SewPregnant would tell the formerly SewInfertile . . .

Three days before your wedding you heard God's whisper that it would take you awhile to conceive. That is when the cultivating of your soul started to take place, when the Master Gardener stepped in to make you more fruitful, but first he must make you barren.

It will not come without pain or years of waiting. Yes, Sew, I said years, but you will need every single one of them. You will come to the end of yourself many times. Don't lay of the floor to long and sulk because the Master must get to every corner of your barren soul. Yet sit still and watch the Master at work, even if you can't see through the veil of your eye....Trust that He is preparing eternity.

Read the remainder here .... 

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Many, many thanks to the ladies that provided the words that so perfectly say what I cannot.  These ladies' inspirational words get me through the worst of days, so I thought I would share them with you ....

                                                                                   - All in His Perfect Timing

"None of the trials which have come upon you is more than a human being can stand. You can trust that God will not let you be put to the test beyond your strength, but with any trial will also provide a way out by enabling you to put up with it."          1 Corinthians 10:13

St. Gerard Novena

Although I should have started yesterday, I'm going to pray the St. Gerard Magella novena in anticipation of St. Gerard's Feast Day on October 16th.
In addition to my own intentions, I'm adding the intentions of all the lovely ladies whose blogs I read.  You will be in my prayers.

Link to St. Gerard Prayer
Information about St. Gerard
How to Pray a Novena

My Hubby, My Hero!

Thank you everyone for you kind words on my last post.  They mean so very much!
The evening of receiving the Mother-in-Law email, I was still in a funk.  I felt lonely, discouraged and hurt.  I tried to talk to my hubby to see how he was feeling.  It didn't work very well.  He doesn't feel the same way I do.  He doesn't understand why I'm so bitter towards his family.  I'm just trying to protect myself from getting hurt, but I end up lashing out at him, which I end up doing pretty often anymore.  I told him he needed to talk to his mom about not talking about the new baby to me anymore.  He wrote her an email that said:


Mom,
I just want to ask you to please not talk to Amanda a bunch about baby stuff/info.  She is having a very rough time with being infertile and seeing babies everywhere and hearing people talk about babies.
It is not that she is hateful or wishes bad things to happen to others, but she is having a tough time dealing with seeing God give everyone else what she wants so badly and Him making her unable to conceive.  She keeps seeing other people who are getting pregnant and say they aren't even trying, while she is doing everything humanly possible to be fertile.
I just want you to keep her feelings in mind when you send emails and talk to her.  She would probably prefer if there were no baby talk.  I know it is going to happen when all the family is together and she just has to deal with it, but if you are just talking to her or sending emails, please keep this in mind.
We both love you and dad.  We are not mad, I would just appreciate you choosing the right time and place for some conversations.
I hope you are not mad.  Amanda is just very sad/emotional about being infertile. She said she was crying today after reading the email today about the baby appointment tomorrow.  I am just trying to save her from some of those moments by limiting what she reads and hears about.  I know you are happy and we are too, but it brings sad feelings too, as it is a constant reminder of our pain. 
I think it is hard for people who haven't gone through this to fully understand the pain involved.
You can update me on the stuff going on and I can pass it along when I can.
Thank you.
Love,
J
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His mom wrote back to him:
J…I am not upset ... but I was thinking ... I, personally am on the other side of the "life coin" here ... I am an ADOPTED child ... who had to handle alot of stuff growing up ... from alot of people ...

I also might add ... I watched almost everyone I knew ...have their  "real" Mom and Dad ... and I had to deal with that.

So, while I'm not upset ... I would encourage Amanda and you to keep praying for God's will for "your lives" ... and He will bring a child however He wants to bless you.

I have not totally given up on you two having your own ... and perhaps God has not either ... Just don't "you two" give up. 

I LOVE YOU BOTH ... and will NEVER do anything purposfully to hurt either one of you.

              __________________________________________________________________________               

While I appreciate the kindness and thoughtfulness of his mother, being adopted does not compare in any way to being infertile.  Its two different things.  I can certainly empathize about being made fun of about being adopted.  I hurt for my hubby's mom feeling like that.  But it is not the same hurt.

All this being said ... I am EXTREMELY PROUD of my husband for standing up for me and my feelings.  Although I am not 100% cured of crazy infertility emotions, I appreciate beyond words what my hubby did for me.  I am beyond blessed to have him in my life.

The Mother-in-Law Strikes Again

I've been mulling over writing a post in my head about bitterness.  How its engulfed my life.  And envy too.  I feel this way the most towards my sister-in-law, although she doesn't deserve any of it.  I don't know why I feel this way.  No matter what I try ... prayer, holy hour, putting myself in her shoes ... I am usually reminded of what I'm missing out on by another person (insert my mother-in-law and first-time grandma-to-be) just about the time I think that I can deal with my SIL's pregnancy and a new niece or nephew.

Just today, I received this email from my MIL saying:

"TOMORROW is the DAY….we'll all hear whether it's a boy or girl.  Either way, I'll be happy…but …THINK PINK…along with me. :)  LOL

C said their appointment is in the afternoon, I think.    Anyway…. I know WHICHEVER it is…..God will be blessing us AGAIN…real SOON…and THAT makes me happy TOO :)  "

Yes, its not the most damning statement, and certainly no reason for spite, but it is the reason I feel hurt and have tears streaming down my cheeks this afternoon. Its the fact that the knowledge is put out there without my request to see it.  It is intertwined in a casual email so I would never suspect a thing.  Like a car wreck, I cannot look away and stop reading.

Yes, my MIL is happy that "God will be blessing us again soon" with a potential adoption (sometime in the next few years ... who knows), but the fact that I wanted to have a baby when we married five years ago doesn't help me think rationally.  Doesn't she remember how excited we were to be parents from the beginning?  Can I ask her (or have my hubby tell his mother) that I don't wish for any grandbaby updates?  My MIL can pass things along through him.

I used to get "copied" on any emails sent to my hubby from his family b/c he usually forgot to tell me that his parents were coming down or that we had a family event to attend.  I nipped that in the bud last week when the following phrase was added at the end of the email from you-know-who:  

"NEXT SUMMER….we'll ALL HAVE TO GO SWIMMING with the NEW BABY :)     NOW…THAT will be FUN  :)         SPLASHIE….SPLASHIE…..   I'm PRACTICING UP!  LOL  

LOVE TO ALL …   MOM  (grandma to be)   :)  "

The baby talk is inserted into EVERY CONVERSATION!!!!!  Even those IRL.  Can't I just escape from this and come back when the baby is 6 months old?  For some reason, I do well with older babies/toddlers.  Its easier to forget that someone was pregnant / just born.  I'd like to think that if I was a mom, it would be easier to cope.  Hopefully it will be, because I need to find a way to deal with this before my BIL & SIL surprise us again with baby #2.

Almost the End

We are getting to the end of our Home Study for our Adoption.  We made our Adoption Photo Books, finalized our letters and turned them in to Sue, our case worker.  Now, we are at the super fun process of watching videos online (we each have 4 to watch) about Adoption.  Some of the videos are good ... some are bad.  BTW, we paid $188 for this privilege ... (sigh) ... The hoops we jump through.  I am learning a few things, though, so its not a total waste of money.

I'm not sure what's our next step in the Adoption process.  Sue says that we owe her some more money (of course!) and I think we have all our paperwork turned in.  Somehow, she manages to add one more document out of the blue that we need to get.  Since the time we contacted her (mid-July), there haven't been any babies available for adoption.  This is both scary and good.  At least we didn't miss any opportunities to be matched, but its scary, because what if we picked the wrong agency (this is a small agency in a town of about 50,000).  What if we're throwing money away on this or wasting a year when we could have just taken a loan out and headed to another larger agency with "guaranteed" results?  I wish I could KNOW that we're heading down the right path.

Any advice on waiting or knowing you're at the right place?  How long do you stay with an agency without any results?  I know I'm getting ahead of myself, but I don't want to mess this up!

Prayer Buddy Reveal

I had the honor and privilege of praying for Snarky at Snarky's Op-Ed.  I enjoyed getting to "know" her as I hadn't read her blog before.  It was great to read about her life, her First Wedding Anniversary and her Blog-aversary.  But most of all, it was great to read about (and pray for) Snarky's new job!  :)

I invite you all to click on over and read her fabulous blog!

I'm Confused

Its been awhile since I've thought I had a double peak.  But this month, it seems that I am having one.

Day 10 - 6CK x2
Day 11 - 10CKL x1 (1-1/2" stretch)
Day 12 - 4AD
Day 13 - 10KL x1 (1-1/4" stretch) ... Peak Day
Day 14 - 4AD
Day 15 - 4AD
Day 16 - 6PC AD

The last four months I have peaked on Day 13, Day 10, Day 12 & Day 12, respectively.  I thought nothing of it.  I took my Ammoxicillan & Mucinex 3x per day as directed.  I stopped 2 days after my Peak on Day 15.

Imagine my surprise when on Day 17, my P+4, when I'm supposed to get a IM Progesterone shot, I see a 10KL (1" stretch)!  I thought it was a fluke.  I wanted to disregard it.  My hubby and I had quite a discussion on how to treat it ... as a fluke -OR- we actually pay attention and count it as a fertile sign.  I'm not much for shots, so it was easy to convince me that YES!  It was a fertile sign.

Imagine my surprise again, when today (Day 18) I also saw a 10CKL (1-1/2" stretch).  I guess my body is being totally weird this month!  I'm not any mucus enhancing drugs at all either (I typically MUST be on them to see ANYTHING!).  The only (gross) thing about all this is ... even during my fertile time this month ... I only see the mucus after a bowel movement.  I must be an alien life form.

My question ... AM I right?  Do I consider this a "double-peak" and start my shots in 4 days and do my P+7 bloodwork in 7 days?

Just when I thought my cycles were getting to be somewhat "normal" .....  they're not!

Learning How to be Patient ...

Our photo book and "Dear Birthmother" letters are complete!!!  Ok, maybe they could be proofread again, but I really feel a sense of accomplishment on just having them 99% done.  We made the "big push" to get them done late last night because Sue, our adoption case worker, was coming to our house this afternoon to review our homestudy and we wanted to show them to her for her opinion.  I just found out over the noon hour that she won't be able to make it today, she has pneumonia.  That's a little serious!  We re-scheduled until next Monday afternoon.  Hmmm.  One more chance to learn the art of patience.

Sue had mailed us a copy of the homestudy paperwork she's written up so we could review it and correct any errors.  In reading over our homestudy paperwork, lets just say that she had a LOT of errors!  I guess I'm a little surprised at how many times we were asked questions about our family/schooling/whatever on two separate occasions and she still has that info incorrect.  I know she wrote it down both times.  I'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt, though too.  I know she has alot going on at her job, however, accuracy is sure important!  We have lots of crossing out and arrows.  :)  Hopefully this has happened to several of you regarding paperwork inaccuracies?   Sue is the greatest lady, but I'm starting to wonder ....

The one thing I did enjoy reading was the snippets of nice things our references said about our abilities to be parents.  The final paragraph of the paperwork was Sue's own recommendation that she sees us as great parents-to-be.  When I first read that, I cried.  Its like we're finally getting somewhere.  Someone recognizes our potential as parents.

In other news, at my Endocrinologist appointment, I found out that my T4 (and something else, I forgot) was low, so this gal is now taking Synthroid at 50 mcg.  So much for not taking any thyroid meds!  I was in hopes that my right half of the thyroid would supplement for my missing left half, but that's just how my body seems to be ... breaking down.  I'm not looking forward to getting older and MORE medical problems.  :)

I Survived Last Weekend!

Of course, you all knew I would survive.  :)

It was a long night at the K-State game on Saturday, which was L.O.N.G. and boring until the last 3 minutes of the game.  I swear there were a full three quarters where the score was 0 to 0.  It was painful to watch ... both teams need more practice.  My pregnant SIL, her hubby and I ended up sitting by each other in a row ... me next to her.  Even after I begged and pleaded with my DH to please *NOT* have me sit by them, he leaves for a drink and they come down to sit in the seats beside me, so my DH has to sit in the seats a few rows up where they were.  We made small talk.  Our seats were pretty high up in the stadium and when I thought about the gift my SIL & BIL were given (it was in the front of my mind all the time), I teared up ... BUT I thought about all the generous ladies who were praying for me and I felt better.  I wasn't alone that day.  I'm not alone with my feelings.  I'm not alone in my journey.  Your prayers helped SO much!  Thank you!!!

We had a quick trip the next morning to CO for my cousin's wedding ... 7 hours in a car on Sunday AM with the wedding that night & then we turned around and left the next day about 11 am and drove back 7 hours.  I don't think I want to do that again for a long time.  It was a beautiful wedding!  My cousin's dress was gorgeous, the decorations were super cute and the reception site and dinner were fabulous!  All this within view of the mountains.

I took the next day (Tuesday) off and did practically nothing.  :)  Well, I did end up finishing my adoption picture book & am now 2.5 pages into my Dear Birthmother letter (my husband is only one paragraph in, oh dear!).  I think that I can finish the rest up this weekend ... that is my goal.  We have a meeting with our Adoption Case Worker on Tuesday afternoon to review our homestudy, so I thought I'd go over our letters and photo book and she can let us know what to change.  I also might google Dear Birthmother letter examples thanks to a post from GIMH.  I'd never thought of that.  :)  Like GIMH says, I just need help knowing what to say & putting it into words.  Some people write things out so eloquently.

My BIL in the National Guard has been stationed in our city for the last three weeks and spending every night with us (he does leave to sleep at the barracks).  Its been hard to be productive around the house as well as exercise, but I enjoy his company.  My sister (his wife) is coming down tonight to spend the weekend with us/him.  I'm looking forward to it.  We'll have alot more time to hang out than last weekend's trip.

I found out a few days ago (from my military BIL) that my sister & him are having trouble conceiving, which I kind of wondered about.  I'd assumed they used birth control (I know, I know ... I'm assuming ... I know how much it irks me when people assume).  They're Catholic, but I'm not sure exactly how much they adhere to everything in the family planning department.  Anyway, they've been married for 4 years as of June 2nd.  He just got back this last June from a year overseas and was deployed about 5-6 years ago for a year as well.  In my conversation with him, he's not sure whether its him (with all the stuff they vaccinate/expose them to in the military) or my sister (we are quite the sterile family, huh?).  I told them that NaPro & PPVI is working for us (although we've yet to get pregnant), but he thinks that he'll get tested and if nothing's wrong, then my sister will get shots that help you get pregnant.  Huh?  I couldn't figure out what that meant.  Clomid?  HCG?  IUI?  He didn't know either.  I wasn't sure what to say to him, as his mind sounded made up.  I do plan to say something before they start any "shots" b/c I would hate to see them jump to anything immoral (like an IUI) and/or get pregnant and lose the baby b/c there's an underlying medical condition they didn't know about.  That's the only silver lining in my infertility journey, I haven't had to experience the pain of a miscarriage.  It would be THE worst thing.

Lastly, prayer buddies have been working overtime!  There have been several great pregnancy announcements lately:  Perfect Power in Weakness, Rise & Shine & Give God the Glory, and Matching Moonheads.  Hopefully there are more to come!  Congratulations, ladies!!!

A Blog Slacker ... but with good reason!

I'm officially a slacker when it comes to blogging.  Oops!

I meant to blog on Saturday, but I spent most of the day working on the photo book for our Adoption.  We are about 95% done with it.  All we have left (besides the daunting "Dear Birthmother" letters) is the "What DH says about me" and "What I say about DH" pages.  I'm not sure if we need to include those, but I've seen adoptive parents do this and if I were the birthmom, I would want to know.  After my hubby cooked me supper (score!), I vegged out for a few hours in front of the TV (my reward for working on the book) and then crashed.  I really enjoyed this last weekend, as it was the only weekend in quite a while that I've been home to enjoy it!  I have to work every 3rd weekend and we go to see our parents/siblings once a month (sometimes two if necessary), so it doesn't leave lots of free time.  And as a result ..... I take advantage of being a slacker on the weekends I have nothing to do.  :)  My hubby says that I deserve it ... and I believe him!  haha

I meant to blog on Sunday when I was catching up on things (emails, bills, budget and laundry ... oh my!), but I didn't make it.  I did talk to my parents and managed to decipher a plan for the exciting trips that are coming up this weekend.  These trips include a K-State football game (with the in-laws) and a wedding in Colorado (with the family).  For the football game, we're taking my DH, me, my little brother, my brother-in-law B, my pregnant BIL & SIL and my in-laws.  How's that for a mix?

As for the Colorado wedding, my cousin is getting married.  It will be interesting.  Without being to gossipy, it won't be in a church or have a specific religious affiliation.  Those are always the interesting ones.  I am not looking forward to the drive out there.  I loathe car trips ever since we drove home from Chicago once.  Twelve hours in a car.  Never again!  The only good part about that (kinda) was that the hubby drove there himself (for work) and I flew out there.  I would SO rather fly than drive.  Even though it means waiting in an airport for a short flight.  :-)

I meant to blog last night, but my brother-in-law, B, was over.  He is in the National Guard who is having training for a month in our city.  How ironic ... of all the places, its where WE live!  I'm so glad he is able to be somewhere where he knows someone.  He's been over at our house two evenings last week and last night as well.  B did go home over the weekend to see his wife, my sister.  Its nice to have him over, but its also nice to do your own thing, too.

Prayer buddy, I need to ask you a favor.  Its been floating around in my head all week .... can you pray for me on Saturday?  I'll be at the K-State game.  Don't pray for the Wildcats to win (Really!  I'm a Husker at heart), but please pray that I can be at peace and not be jealous/envious of my pregnant sister-in-law.  Its been awhile since we've seen them (since the shocking announcement) and I'm sure she's showing and I'm sure my mother-in-law (who's also coming) wants to baby-talk alot.  I'm really dreading this weekend.

Adoption Visit #1

I know its been awhile since my last post.  Its too bad I can't write them in my head and then they'll magically appear on the screen.  That would be cool!

In the last 10 days, we've been rather busy ... housecleaning!  We had our first home visit with Sue, our adoption caseworker, on Monday the 15th.  I wasn't sure what all she was going to look at, so we cleaned the whole house ... toilets, the office, the basement ... you name it. Unfortunately, when she came for the home visit, our hard work wasn't fully recognized, as she glanced in from the hallway at the bedrooms (if only I would have known!  ahhh!).  She'll never know about our mad-dash dusting to get the stray cat hair off the dark bedroom end tables.  Or how well I cleaned up our gross-really-needed-to-be-cleaned-a-month-ago Master Bathroom.  Oh well.   It's nice to have a totally clean house for awhile.

We sat in the Living Room and answered questions, some of which Sue had asked us before on our initial appointment.  There were a few head-scratcher questions that were really ambiguous, but for the most part, we didn't have to think too much ... we just responded.  My favorite was the "how many animals do you have?" question.  When I said that we had 4 cats ... all she said was "oh my!"  We did have the youngest (and friendliest) cat, Biker, come out to sniff around her feet during her visit.  I hoped he wouldn't get up on the counter or lay on the table like he usually does ... and he didn't!  Biker was well-behaved.  Thank you, God!

I did ask Sue if she thought our selection chances by the birthparents were slimmer since I will have to go back to work after the adoption.  She thought it wasn't an issue, which made me relax a little bit ... but I'm still nervous about that.  I know there are many women able to stay at home, but unfortunately, I'm not going to be one of them.  It pulls at my heart that I can't be at home, but I know alot of kids that go to daycare/babysitters have turned out just fine.  That is my hope, anyway.

We are in-progress with our picture book, which I am making on MixB.ook, an online website.  It is actually really cool (you should check it out) ... they have templates available that you can select from, but you can also add shapes/designs/colors onto your pages (as well as text).  I will be working on that this weekend and hopefully get that done.  Then ... its the daunting Dear Birthmother letters.  I'm saving the hardest for last.

Happy 5th Anniversary & LUFS

We celebrated our 5th Wedding Anniversary on Friday, August 5th.  I can't believe its been FIVE YEARS already!  Where does the time go?  In putting our adoption photo book together last night, we were looking at our honeymoon pictures in Hawaii.  Back then, we were just happy-go-lucky people who hadn't the slightest idea of what life would throw our way.   

Josh & I celebrated with a dinner out at Applebees.  He gave me flowers, chocolate and the cutest card (with cats on it, of course) with a handwritten note inside ... the perfect gifts!  Josh is the most wonderful, thoughful, perfect man that I am SO very blessed to be married to.  I think about how impatient I was to get married or I would be an old maid (I was only 24 when I met him and 25 when we married).  But I do see how it truly was planned by God.  Josh will be a wonderful father someday.

Last year at this time, I was having a Laparoscopy on our 4th Anniversary at PPVI.  It was quite the celebration, let me tell you, especially with the bowel prep the night before!  ("Happy Anniversary, honey, now give me an enema!")

Ironically, a nurse from PPVI called me the day before our anniversary this year and said that with both this cycle and the cycle before, I had a Lutenized Unruptured Follicle (LUF) ... which means I didn't ovulate.  Great.  I wonder how long THAT has been happening.  I've been on Femara the last few months, so I'm not sure if that's a reason for the LUF.  Argh!!!  Just one more kink.  

When I had my ultrasound series at PPVI a year ago, they did say that I did ovulate.  I wonder if that was a freak cycle or if these last ones were.  I am taking IM Progesterone (100 mg) on P+4,7,10 to "shrink" the follicle (hoping that works, but I doubt it).  I have an ultrasound on Day 3 of my next cycle to check out what's going on inside.

Are there questions I should be asking my doctor?  Are there medicines I should bring up?  I know Dr. Keefe at PPVI knows what she's talking about, but it feels like my wheels are spinning sometimes and I'm not getting anywhere.  

Jealousy & a Lightbulb Moment

I just heard from our adoption case worker, Sue, that she is back from her vacation and is working on getting our file opened and filled out!  Hooray!!!  Before she left, she sent out reference request letters and commented yesterday that she was surprised to have them all back.  Of course!  My references know how important this is to me (and ... you gave them a two week timeframe).

In my adoration hour this morning (think 2 am!), I poured my heart out to Jesus to have mercy on me in this infertility journey.  I spent most of the hour in tears.  I'm just upset, discouraged, jealous ... all nasty, mean feelings.  My BIL & SIL (the ones who just announced their pregnancy) have been posting wonderful vacation photos on FB.  The first thing I do is look to see if she's "showing."  Of course, she is ... a little bit.  I don't know why I can't keep the jealousy feelings at bay.  This last week has been rough.  I don't know why I'm so fixated on this.  I am a big enough person to say "it is wrong to feel jealous," but then I feel that way anyway.  Ugh.  I hope I'm not the only one that has problems with subduing negative emotions this way.  I lifted this up to God last night and asked for His help to stay positive about that situation and be truly happy.  Its hard.

One thing that clicked a few months ago when I was praying before mass is that perhaps I "invited" my suffering on myself.  Let me (try to) explain.  My dad has always been for sick as long as I can remember.  It was either not-feeling-good-stay-in-bed kind of sick or it was I-really-don't-feel-good-lets-go-to-the-hospital kind of sink.  He's had several operations as well.  Our lives revolved around his sickness.  My dad pushed himself hard regardless of being sick to be a good provider, but I know he never felt good.  One time when I was in college, when he was in the hospital, we almost lost him.  It was horrible.  I remember asking God then if I could take on some of my dad's pain to help him feel better.  I would do it.  I love my dad to death.  He is my hero.  Eventually, my dad recovered, life happened and I forgot about my request.

Then came the "Lightbulb Moment" in church.  Is this infertility I'm experiencing in a way "helping" to relieve my dad's suffering?  When I think of it like that, I can push through this.  I can "do" infertility.  My dad pushes through each day, so why can't I?

I do have to tell you that my dad has been doing really well these last 6-8 years.  He found a doctor at the Mayo.Clinic in Minnesota  who has been wonderful in treatment.  He hasn't been in the hospital or very sick in about that long (although he still has his bad-stay-in-bed kind of days).

I guess I do need to say that I know my prayer to God didn't "cause" me to be infertile, but I do wonder sometimes if my infertility struggle has anything to do with my dad's health and my request to God so long ago.  Because for my dad, I would give up having a baby the "natural" way so he could feel better every day.

Novena to Saints Joachim & Anne

I'm borrowing from PolkaDot's posting of the Novena prayer to Saints Joachim & Anne.  Their feast day is tomorrow, July 26th, and I will be praying this novena starting tomorrow for their intercession to all of us facing Infertility.

Novena to Saints Joachim & Anne:
Good parents of the Blessed Virgin Mary,   grandparents of our Savior, Jesus Christ,
When life seems barren,  
   help us to trust in God’s mercy.
When we are confused,  
   help us to find the way to God.
When we are lost in the desert, 
   lead us to those whom God has called us to love.
When our marriage seems lifeless,
   show us the eternal youth of the Lord.
When we are selfish, 
   teach us to cling only to that which lasts.
When we are afraid,
   help us to trust in God.
When we are ashamed,
   remind us that we are God’s children.
When we sin,
   lead us to do God’s will.
You who know God’s will for husband and wife,
   help us to live chastely. 
You who know God’s will for the family,
   keep all families close to you.
You who suffered without children,
   intercede for all infertile couples.
You who trusted in God’s will,
   help us to respect God’s gift of fertility.
You who gave birth to the Blessed Mother,
   inspire couples to be co-creators with God.
You who taught the Mother of God,
   teach us to nurture children in holy instruction.
You whose hearts trusted in God,
   hear our prayers for . . . (mention your requests here)
Pray with us for the ministry of Catholic family life.
Pray with us for the ministry of Natural Family Planning.
Pray with us for all who give their time, talent and treasure to this good work.
 
Hail Mary. . . Our Father. . . Glory Be to the Father. . .
 
God of our fathers, you gave Saints Anne and Joachim the privilege of being the parents of Mary, the mother of your incarnate Son.  May their prayers help us to attain the salvation you have promised to your people. We ask this through Christ our Lord.  Amen.


Information about Saints Joachim & Anne:
     Novenas to saints Joachim and Ann, as the parents of the Virgin Mary and the grandparents of Jesus Christ, are known for their intense power. Having suffered almost every trial a couple on earth may experience, they are approachable for the solving of any family crisis.
     Shamed by infertility, they were married for twenty years before they had their only child. They faced their daughter’s unexpected pregnancy and her near-desertion by her fiancé with great faith and tolerance. After Saint Joachim died, Saint Ann, in the throes of widowhood, watched as her beloved grandson became a prisoner and was crucified. Saints Joachim and Ann offer the loving acceptance and wisdom of grandparents, and one should never be ashamed to turn to them for any reason.
     Very little factual information is available about the parents of the Virgin Mary. Saint Ann is said to have been twenty years old when she married the forty-nine-year-old Joachim. Comfortable financially, they lived in Nazareth and were faithful followers of the Jewish religion. Each year they divided their income into thirds, offering the first part to the temple for the worship of God, distributing the second to the poor, and keeping the third to maintain their moderate lifestyle. Their great misfortune was their barrenness. At the time, this was considered a divine punishment, and it led ultimately to Joachim’s offering being refused at the temple. Their community began to snub them, considering them inferior. Both Ann and Joachim made a vow to the Lord that if they did have a child, they would consecrate it to his service.
     After twenty years of marriage and no children, and once again humiliated when his offering to the temple was rejected, Joachim, too ashamed to return home, went to live among his shepherds. There, an angel came to him, ordered him to return to his wife, and told him that she was pregnant, saying, “Delayed conceptions and infertile childbearing are all the more wonderful! Your wife will bear you a daughter and you will call her Mary. As you have vowed, she will be consecrated to the Lord from infancy and filled with the Holy Spirit from her mother’s womb.”  Simultaneously, Saint Ann had been given the same news. She gave birth to the Virgin Mary at the age of forty. Saint Joachim was sixty-nine.
     Devoted to God, they raised Mary accordingly. True to their promise, they sent her to live in the temple to serve God when she was three years old. This was an extremely difficult act of faith on their part, surrendering the one thing they cherished most to God. So it was that Mary never lived among common people. She was given extraordinary parents and a sheltered, religious life in the service of God.
     Saint Ann is the better known of the two saints and her cult goes back to the beginning of the church. She is the patroness of housewives and women in labor. Because she kept her home in perfect order, she is the patron of cabinetmakers. In Brittany, Saint Ann has an exalted place. There were many sightings of her there in the 1600s. She is also the patroness of Canada.
     Saint Ann is the patron Saint of: Housewives, Pregnancy, Family Crisis, Cabinetmakers, Brittany and Canada. She is invoked against: Infertility.  Together, Saints Ann and Joachim are the Patron Saints of Parents and Grandparents.  Their Feast Day is July 26.


(Source:  http://novena.com/2009/07/21/509/)