Just today, I received this email from my MIL saying:
"TOMORROW is the DAY….we'll all hear whether it's a boy or girl. Either
way, I'll be happy…but …THINK PINK…along with me. :) LOL
C said their appointment is in the afternoon, I think. Anyway…. I
know WHICHEVER it is…..God will be blessing us AGAIN…real SOON…and THAT makes me
happy TOO :) "
Yes, its not the most damning statement, and certainly no reason for spite, but it is the reason I feel hurt and have tears streaming down my cheeks this afternoon. Its the fact that the knowledge is put out there without my request to see it. It is intertwined in a casual email so I would never suspect a thing. Like a car wreck, I cannot look away and stop reading.
Yes, my MIL is happy that "God will be blessing us again soon" with a potential adoption (sometime in the next few years ... who knows), but the fact that I wanted to have a baby when we married five years ago doesn't help me think rationally. Doesn't she remember how excited we were to be parents from the beginning? Can I ask her (or have my hubby tell his mother) that I don't wish for any grandbaby updates? My MIL can pass things along through him.
I used to get "copied" on any emails sent to my hubby from his family b/c he usually forgot to tell me that his parents were coming down or that we had a family event to attend. I nipped that in the bud last week when the following phrase was added at the end of the email from you-know-who:
"NEXT SUMMER….we'll ALL HAVE TO GO SWIMMING
with the NEW BABY :) NOW…THAT will be FUN :) SPLASHIE….SPLASHIE…..
I'm PRACTICING UP! LOL
LOVE TO ALL … MOM (grandma to be) :) "
The baby talk is inserted into EVERY CONVERSATION!!!!! Even those IRL. Can't I just escape from this and come back when the baby is 6 months old? For some reason, I do well with older babies/toddlers. Its easier to forget that someone was pregnant / just born. I'd like to think that if I was a mom, it would be easier to cope. Hopefully it will be, because I need to find a way to deal with this before my BIL & SIL surprise us again with baby #2.
Oh have I been in your shoes! I am so sorry your heart is hurting. Even now, after our daughter has been home for 3 1/2 years, notifications of pregnancies aren't any easier!
ReplyDeleteI don't think it's wrong to ask to be left off of email updates. Hopefully your MIL will understand your feelings and honor your request. It's so hard! Unless you've been there someone can't fully understand your feelings.
((hugs))
Oh, I know how you feel! I'm so sorry your MIL keeps doing that. It is so hard having fertile sisters in law. Trust me, I've got 12 of 'em, and they are like rabbits, and only 2 care about what we are going through. I don't have any real answers either on how to get rid of or deal with those feelings you mention. Hang in there and keep praying, I guess. I do try to focus on thinking it doesn't matter what happens with other people, God's plan for me is HIs plan and it is meant for my benefit, and other people's life plans are for them. But, sometimes it all just sucks, and I ease the pain with shopping. :)
ReplyDeleteThat is really difficult and rather insenstive of her. She obviously doesn't understand the pain IF causes. I am praying for you. Be Not Afraid
ReplyDeleteBitterness and envy...way too familiar emotions lately. And every time I start feeling this way, I end up crying about feeling that way and being a horrible person. I do NOT want to be a bitter and jealous person, and usually I am not but those bad emotions certainly sneak in at times. I told my husband tonight that it is NOT that I don't want "them" to be pregnant, it is that I want to be pregnant/adopt too! Such a selfish way of thinking, I know. Please know that this post helped me so much. I truly have been hating on myself for a few days now and I finally see a turn for the better. You are a wonderful human being with normal emotions...AND I would choose not to be part of the e-mails either. Adoration really helped me today....I will pray for you at my next adoration hour for sure.
ReplyDeleteUgh! That is so difficult. I'm so sorry. It sounds like your MIL truly does not understand your pain and probably never will, unfortunately. I wonder if you can just delete all emails you receive from her without opening them. Would that be a possibility and/or do you think that would help?
ReplyDeleteI can totally understand. Except my situation is with my younger sister. I think you said it very well that every time you read one of those messages it reminds you of your pain. It also starts to become the only thing that people in the family talk about and you start to drown in it. Most people do not understand the pain of IF so they cannot understand why someone would feel sad to hear another person is pg.
ReplyDeleteIt is ok to get off the email list and take a breather from all of that.
I'm so sorry. And, I'll tell you that after almost five years of infertility and finally adopting (and even expecting my own right now!) it does not get easier. I went through a really hard time with my mother the year we married. We wanted a baby then so badly, and that very year, all four of my sister in laws got pregnant... and two were in high school. I was engulfed by bitterness and it was really not good for me. It was so hard to hear my mom gushing all the time about her grandchildren-to-be and every conversation would turn to what she was buying for them, or making for the babies, or how excited she was. And, I was hurting so badly and felt just invisible.
ReplyDeleteI say protect yourself as much as possible. My husband was great about stepping in, even with my mom, and letting her know that I needed a break from the babytalk. I needed to be left off emails, and allowed to skip baby showers at that time. It was just where I was emotionally, so it was really hard. If you need to tell your MIL to stop copying you on the emails there's nothing wrong with that.
I wish we could easily fix those feelings of jealousy and feeling broken, but so far, I've not found out how.
Big hugs-
"expecting my own" should read "expecting on my own"
ReplyDeleteSorry- typed too fast!
My heart hurts for you; I'm sorry that you've got the added burden of insensitive family members to deal with. It hasn't happened to me yet (at least not since my husband and I have been married) but I know that when more babies start coming from my SIL and the first little ones enter the scene my own side of the family, I am not going to handle it well.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds fair to me to ask your MIL to not mention forthcoming children at all around you, because it just hurts too much. I'll say a prayer for your strength to make it through this!
-January
I know that pain of sadness and jealousy as well as not being able to be around newborns but for me it was once they were walking around one year that I could handle it. With our first miscarriage three of my SILS were pregnant too amd none were tried for I was a basketcase I tell you. Time heals and you will have your baby so keep faith and keep strong!
ReplyDeleteUm, wow. I would have a VERY hard time with this too if my mom or MIL or stepmother did this. I realize she probably has good intentions, but someone may need to clue her in that this is insensitive. That said, I hear you on the envy, bitterness... and for me, fear. The worst is I get envious and bitter and then get mad at myself for being that way, which makes me more envious and bitter that I even am in a position to have this internal battle? Lol. You're not alone!
ReplyDelete