I'm not sure what to do. My friend who told me a few short days ago that she's pregnant again, this time with twins, wants to talk to me on the phone tomorrow afternoon (Sunday). I'm not scared of talking to her, I'm scared of the topic of conversation. She is the type of friend who likes to talk, and so in our conversations, I always end up listening most of the time. If you've ever watched Sex & the Ci.ty, then my friend is most like Carrie ... every show (aka conversation) revolves around her at some point. I've been friends with her since I was 16, so it has been a 14 year friendship, and she's known about my struggles with infertility, my surgeries, etc.
At the end of her "big announcement text" a few days ago, she wrote "please don't hate me," so I'm sure the gist of Sunday's conversation will be "how do you feel," and "this is how I feel." She's already been telling me in additional messages how tired she is, etc. When I texted her back after her shocking news, I did say "all the right things" ... Congratulations! ... I'll bet you were surprised ... How is your little boy reacting? ... etc. I told her that I wasn't mad at her, but I'm not sure I'm ready to open up this wound.
From the RESOLVE website: (emphasis mine)
It would be rare to find a woman experiencing infertility who has not, at one time or another, found herself feeling unwanted emotions such as anger or envy toward other women for their pregnancies. Many women find this aspect of infertility the most difficult. Women in general tend to have great difficulty with experiences such as competition and envy; they are more comfortable connecting with each other through collaboration and support. The experience of infertility often results in women suddenly feeling separate and “on the outside,” without the support and understanding that they have grown to rely upon from trusted friends. Women experiencing infertility are often unable to provide support to their pregnant friends because it is simply too painful to do so. The onslaught of painful, primitive emotions that women experiencing infertility may feel in response to other women’s pregnanacies can be quite shocking: Some women may feel that they no longer recognize themselves. Often, women pull away and isolate, suffering in loneliness and silence. It is this isolation and pain that often drives people to find RESOLVE. (Its true ... I spent all morning looking at their website!)
Do I email my friend and say that I'm not ready to talk yet?
Do I be brave and talk about her new babies even though I don't want to?
There is a phrase on the RESOLVE website under Infertility Etiquette that is written to a pregnant fertile about their infertile friend: "The fact that an infertile friend is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate a new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her." This phrase really sticks with me ... so maybe I should just endure my pain for the sake of her happiness?
Advice? I just don't know what to do.
This is a tough situation. I know it is not exactly the same but my sister is almost 5 months pregnant and usually I do okay chatting with her about baby stuff. But some days I simply cannot handle it. Fortunately, she is super sensitive to my emotions and we always have a lot of other stuff to talk about besides babies and my infertility. She knows that if I change the subject quickly because I am having a bad day to not push the "baby talk" If you do decide to chat with your friend tomorrow maybe you could let her know that some days are better than others and to be aware of your feelings as well. I am sure you could say it such a way without appearing bitter and upset. It is okay to NOT want to talk to your friend tomorrow. Certain pregnant women "get it" when it comes to IF but a lot have NO idea. Go with your heart. I will pray for you at Mass tomorrow morning. By the way, I have attended a few local RESOLVE support group meetings and they have been beneficial. Not sure if you have a local branch or not.......
ReplyDeleteThat's a tough one. I would say if you're not ready to emotionally handle talking with your friend, I would wait until it's a better time for you (ie. one where you are feeling emotionally stronger). I guess that's how I sort of handled pregnant friends who didn't get it. There were some days that I just didn't have the strength to talk with them. Or- if you do talk with her...have something planned at a certain time, so that you have a natural out to ending the conversation after it's gone on so long. Just a few thoughts. Hope you decide what's best!
ReplyDeleteA - This is such a hard situation. I commented the other day on your last post, but it must not have gone through or something, because it is not there now.
ReplyDeleteMy very best friend in the whole wide world called me back in Feb/March to tell me she was pregnant. I blogged about it, I didn't know they had started trying again and it hit me like 500 tons of bricks. Not too long later because of complications she found out she was having twins. It was like a double whammy. She has 2 children, and now was having twins. It was so hard. I talked when she called but couldn't call her myself. It was just devastating for me to know be completely overjoyed for my very best friend because it hurt so much.
Now I don't know if this would be the right thing to do ( since you say she is a little all about herself) but, when my friend and I talked about the twin thing, I just cried and told her exactly how I felt. And She really heard me. She actually cried too because she wanted it for me so badly.
I think you should go with heart. If you really don't think you can do it, just tell her you aren't ready. If there is any part of you that thinks you can do it. Do it. Get it over with. And then know that you don't have to do it at a later date.
Just make sure if you do, that you tell her that you are happy for her but don't think you can handle all sorts of details along the way. ie sickness, tired, etc. I didn't explain that to another friend and she thought I wanted to hear that stuff... Like she was including me.
I am here for you and praying for the right decision and that if and when you do talk He gives you strength and the right words to say. :)
This is tough... if it were me, I'd endure the conversation but have an "out". My fear is always alienating myself... making others uncomfortable and resulting in their pity/awkwardness around me. Yet, you have to take care of yourself too. I like the suggestion of scheduling that time, and keeping it brief. Also, I try to remind myself of all we're doing to build a family... it makes me feel "part of the club" of family builders even if we don't have news yet.
ReplyDeleteThis is really hard. You do what you feel like you have to do. You need to protect yourself first. I would probably avoid her phone call until I was ready to talk to her without crying. I have a friend that got pregnant while I was still struggling and I completely avoided her until I was ready. I think she understood that. I would text her every once in a while because I didn't want her to think I wasn't excited for her, I was, but it doesn't take away your pain. I'm so sorry you have to go through it, and then to think about how to balance your authentic self without hurting your friend's feelings. That is tough. I hope you find solace in your decision, whatever you choose to do...
ReplyDeleteYou know yourself the best and it's apparent through your writing that you are a VERY loving person. The fact that you're struggling shows how much you love your friend. Loving means loving yourself though too. I'm learning that honesty is the best policy. It's not to ask others to walk around on eggshells, it's to communicate how they can love you. Some people don't know how unless you tell them.
ReplyDeleteMy sister's fiance just went back to Afganistan and the whole time he's been gone she's been having a hard time. I have a difficult time relating b/c it's not something I'll ever experience. It really helped me when she told me what helps and what hurts. While I can't relate, at least now I know I'm loving her and she knows it too.
I'd say pray about it. You can't go wrong with that. God hears your heart.
You've been given really good advice. If she is a good friend, she will understand if you don't want to talk right now. You could send her an email to explain. And praying will definitely give you strength!
ReplyDeleteI know it's a bit late but I hope you did whatever you were comfortable with.. Praying that God helps you and guides you.
ReplyDeleteI'm late chiming in here, but the advice you have received is wonderful. Follow your heart- if you can't talk to her now, don't. A true friend will understand that. And, yes, pray and pray about this. And, remember your family story isn't completely written yet. Even though it is next to impossible to believe that in times like these, God is still so able and willing to work miracles to build families. I'm sorry. I feel the sting for you in this situation.
ReplyDeleteThat section you copied from RESOLVE is helpful. I have a friend like yours, and I'm not sure how well I would be able to handle hearing about her pregnancy in detail. I'd probably have to wait until mid-cycle so my mood is at its best. :) I hope you post what you decided and how it went.
ReplyDeleteI know this hurt because I have experienced it over and over and over again for about two decades. I do try to find friends who talk about other things besides their children (and now grandchildren). I do not talk to one friend because I cannot handle listening to her speak of her wonderful boyfriend. I have been at holiday dinners where I have excused myself, gone into the bathroom and sat on the floor and cried.
ReplyDeleteIt's okay to set time limits and boundaries. And give yourself a little treat and be nice to yourself.
I am late in responding because I was out of town. From my own personal experience, if she is a true friend, she will understand if you are not ready to talk. My best friend just told me today while we were at lunch that she is expecting again, and she had tears in her eyes telling me because she prays so much for me and she knows how much it hurts for me to hear of other people's pregnancies. It hurts for me to see her hurting, and it hurts for me to hear the announcement. If your friend loves you, she is probably hurting a little too. I think she will understand if you are not ready to talk. And, hopefully, she would understand that you are happy for her while at the same time feeling all the emotions that come along with struggling with infertility.
ReplyDeleteYou were in my thoughts and prayers today. I hope all went well no matter what you decided to do. God Bless!
ReplyDeleteI prayed for you today!!! I hope it went well or she understood why you couldn't talk. :)
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