Thanksgiving Weekend

I know its been awhile since I last posted.  Aside from work and traveling home to our parents' houses for Thanksgiving celebrations, we've been living a pretty boring lives.

Morgan @ Life as We Know It ... Robbins Style gifted me with the Liebster Award!  Morgan was my prayer buddy during Summer Prayer Buddies.  She's an awesome, funny, prayerful gal who is also waiting to become a mom someday.  I feel a real connection and friendship with her.  Thanks, Morgan!  I'll be paying you back with prayer!  :-)

As far as an update on our first adoption situation, we're counting that situation as a loss.  We never heard anything back from the case worker, so they didn't pick us.  Its OK.  It wasn't the right one.  We're still optimistic.  I talked to Sue, our adoption worker last week and she said that we can network with other agencies or lawyers and give them our profile book / letters.  My MIL knows of an agency in a larger town south of us that helped a friend of a friend.  You know the story.  But I think I'll call there tomorrow and check it out.  I'm not sure what road we're supposed to take on this adoption journey ... if we're supposed to sit and be patient ... but I feel better being proactive, so we're going to go lawyer-exploring.  Hopefully we won't have to pay unless we're matched.  And hopefully we find some reputable lawyers!

We spent Thanksgiving and the Friday after at my parents' house.  My youngest sister, her fiancé and my little brother were there, but we were missing my middle sister, who celebrated Thanksgiving in South Dakota (and spent 24 hours in a car that week, no fun!).   It was a pretty fun time.  We ate a lot (of course) and hung out.  We visited my grandma, who wasn't feeling too good and didn't come over to my parents' house on Thanksgiving.  I know she is lonely and missing my Grandpa, who has been gone 4 years now.  We talked with my parents about how our adoption process was going and I told them about our first situation that didn't happen.  I was happy that they asked, although its a little uncomfortable to talk about ... everyone's eyes are on me, while I tell myself that "I will not cry when I tell this story."

Thanksgiving at my in-laws this year was HARD!  We drove down on Friday night about 10 pm and the whole way down, I was dreading spending the next few days there.  This was the first time I was going to see my pregnant SIL, L, who would be showing now ... my MIL was going to probably be talking all about the new grand baby ... and I was going to have to participate in family events.  My stomach was in knots on the drive down and once we drove into town, all I could do was try not to cry, while praying to St. Anne and St. Therese over and over again to please be with me and help me handle this.  I thought of all you bloggers who are IF and were enduring holidays like mine and tried to tell myself that I wasn't alone.  It kind of worked.  I was still super-nervous. (I like to blow up situations in my head that usually don't end up happening quite like I imagine.)  I saw L for the first time, smiled and said "hi."  My MIL did enough talking for the rest of the night and I called it a night early.

The next day, at their Thanksgiving dinner, my hubby's grandma showed up.  I was excited to see her, as she's the grandma who is IF and adopted her sister's two kids (one of which is hubby's mom; his grandma's sister kept another two).  Great-Grandma was excited about the new great-grandbaby (I can't blame her; I love her anyway.  She's 92 and has given thanks to God no matter what her situation).  So my BIL, C, who's the baby's daddy, was talking SUPER LOUD to Great Grandma about how "yes, L's STILL pregnant and she's due in Feb. on the 14th, what a special Valentine's Day present, etc" while they're right next to me ... ignoring the fact that I don't want to be a part of this conversation, let alone hear it.  I left that end of the living room and headed towards my hubby, where I sat and stared at the TV, trying to watch the football game that was on, even though I don't really like sports.  I was engrossed, trying not to cry.  My favorite "trick" to not cry is to count.  I count anything ... pictures, vases, lights ... anything with a number.  I count these objects over and over again, to try and remove myself from the emotions that are this.close to exploding out of my eyes and are currently breaking my heart.  Then I see the picture frame with the letters "Jay.den" cut out and framed.  Its the new baby's name.  Displayed in a picture frame that says "Grandparents" on the entertainment center shelving, next to the TV.  I couldn't help it.  The tears started to fall.  My sweet hubby handed me a kleenex and I tried to stop crying.  Then, my oblivious BIL & SIL came over to try and talk to the both of us.  I had to look away, because of my red, watery eyes.  Thankfully, hubby answered most of the questions & tried to take the attention off of me.

The "baby" topic of conversation continued throughout the day ... at the table, on the phone, during games, etc.  My MIL is now going to have an unwrapping of "teeny-tiny baby clothes" at Christmas, that I am supposed to be excited about (or something), b/c she winked at me, like I would look forward to this display of fabric.  All weekend, whenever the baby topic began, I would find an excuse to get up from the area and head off to do something else.  It kind of worked.  I still was upset, but I didn't cry anymore.  I could still hear their conversations, though.

I take that back.  I didn't cry anymore until the last hour with my in-laws.  Everyone else had gone home.  We were sitting there at the table, chatting.  All weekend, the baby talk had been spoken with my pregnant BIL & SIL, and now here we were with my MIL asking about how our adoption was going.  She told me about a lawyer who, when he and his wife found out they were infertile, decided they were going to "save children and adopt them."  It was that topic and a few other things.  I began to count.  Then I tried to multiply in my head.  It was a rather large number.  I am bad at math.  I couldn't help it.  I just couldn't.  I began to cry.  It was too much.  It hurt.  My MIL gave me a hug, but I still couldn't stop crying.  I didn't say much, because it was hard to talk when crying, but I just told her between sobs that I hurt.  I told her that it was hard to be patient.  I hope that she got the message.  She apologized and said that she wanted to know about our adoption process, but wasn't sure what to say.  I know she meant well.  And I'm not mad that I cried.  I'm actually happy that she can see how much I HURT waiting to be a mom.  I'm not proud of not "waiting well," but I can't bottle up my emotions either.

I told my husband that I'm making myself a shirt to wear for Christmas.  I'm not sure what goes on the front of it, but on the back, in big letters it says this, "If you can see me, I can hear you!  And I don't want to hear about no babies!"  Its not the nicest shirt in the world, but it was honestly how I felt after getting through Thanksgiving that weekend.  I'm not sure how I'm going to get through Christmas.  I'm probably the most upset at the oblivious BIL & SIL, but I know I'm raining on their parade by being such a baby-grinch, so don't worry, I won't make the t-shirt.