It Happens Today

I guess today is the "official" day I become an aunt.  My BIL texted my hubby this morning to say that they're in the hospital and hope to have the baby around noon today.  There's no more avoiding them in real life.  The baby is coming early, as they were due on Valentine's Day ... a day which my MIL on FB said "Was so, so perfect for the first Grandchild" or some crap like that.

I must have known something was up yesterday, b/c I got really angry and upset last night and lashed out at my husband.  We were out running errands and for some reason, I brought up the topic of BIL & SIL & new baby.  Which led to the comment from me about being lapped ... again!  Which led him to say that ... well, your BFF with twins was "older" & "why do I compare myself to her and others?".  Which made me angrier.  I told him you don't say that to an infertile person (actually, I've told him this twice before last night, too).  It wasn't a great night.

This morning as I was getting ready for work, hubby told me they were in the hospital.  I read hubby's texts when he was in the shower ... apparently it was a mass text-message to everyone but me (thank goodness!) ... about the progress of SIL & her labor.  As I was getting ready, my mind flashed this morning to all the happenings in the future.  Of course, we'll have to go see the baby here soon.  We'll have to coo and ooohhh and ahhhhh over him.  Its not like he won't be cute or undeserving of the attention and praise, but rather, my heart will be breaking inside.  He'll be the center of attention when we go back to MIL & FIL's for a family gathering.  Everything will revolve around him ... especially knowing MIL.  There will be so many comments about baby.  All the while ignoring the infertile person who will hear them.  I want to scream at them all that "I have been trying to get pregnant for 5-1/2 years ... don't you know the hurt I feel?" ... 'cause they don't know.  Obviously.  They have sex one time when their birth control didn't work, they weren't "trying" and poof ... a baby ... who didn't come according to their plans.  Well ... I wouldn't know ANYTHING about that!

After hubby got out of the shower, my anger erupted again (I had time to think ... which is not always good).  I yelled at hubby.  I didn't want to get updates.  Who is their right mind would think I would?  I thought I had accepted what was going to happen, but I guess I really didn't.  You see, I had practiced the super-effective technique of "avoidance" ... but now I can't avoid it anymore (in reality, its not so effective ... don't try that yourself.) 

I don't know where the anger comes from.  I'm mad at God.  I wonder when will it be my turn?  How long do I have to wait?  Why do others who don't want a baby get one ... not me?  Please understand, I do NOT hate the baby, but I do hate what kind of person I've become.  I can't get rid of the anger and hurt and JEALOUSY.  I'm mad at the fact that no one IRL understands my infertility and thinks about whether or not I have to be included for some things, or hear certain comments for that matter.  They are all super-fertile, so of course that's not on their radar.

This morning, hubby said "You're going to have to get used to it."  I find his comments unhelpful.  Of course, he doesn't feel like being helpful or kind once I've yelled at him, either, so if I'm thinking straight, I can't blame him.  How do I "get used to it?"  How do I swallow my anger/hurt/jealousy towards my BIL, SIL & MIL?  I'm going to need some coping tips.

Congrats & A Video Link

Congrats to G @ Renewing Moments for her new adorable, baby daughter that she met on Friday, Jan 13th!  Who says Friday the 13th is unlucky?  :-)  Head over to her blog to congratulate G and her family!


I just *HAD* to share this amazing video graciously posted by Jen @ Forever, For Always, No Matter What!  You'll have to watch it, then watch it again.  Share it and make those around you THINK!

Updates

I've had alot of posts that I've written in my head that have never actually made it to the blog  (they're the best ones!) ... but I wanted to do a quick update on what's been going on in my life.

I finally decided this year to write a Christmas letter to our families and friends.  In the letter, we disclosed the news that we are adopting and have been approved to do so.  We also included the following paragraph to help people see a little of what our struggle was.

"As many of you know, we have desperately wanted to start our family for years now.  After Amanda’s surgeries last year, we thought they would do the trick, along with various medicines, but there are still underlying issues that we haven’t found.  Although we are still open to life, we desire to be parents more than we wish to have a biological child.  Because of this, we have spent the last six months researching, doing paperwork and completing a home study so we can adopt a child.  As of October 21, we are officially approved to be adoptive parents should a birth mother choose us!  We are using a local agency, coupled with a lawyer, in hopes that we can have more exposure.  It has been difficult watching as our family and friends begin and expand their families as we still wait to become parents.  We ask for your prayers as we carry this cross, as well as for God’s guidance in the adoption process, both for us and for all birth parents, who have difficult decisions to make."

We celebrated Christmas with our families in our hometowns, spending a few days with each family.  We started with the hubby's parents in northern Kansas up to Christmas Eve.  Hubby's brother that hadn't been to a family Christmas in 2 years showed up and it was great to see him again!  It was a good time with his family ... up to the opening of the Christmas presents.  We draw names to buy just one gift and that went well.  Then at the end, was "Baby J" gift time, for the new grandbaby-to-be.  Hubby's mom had wrapped up a monogrammed suitcase with the baby's name on it and had stuffed it with baby clothes out the whazoo.  We spent about 15 minutes watching the new parents-to-be pull out outfit after outfit.  While it was worse than having my wisdom teeth pulled, no one else realized it was (Hello!  Didn't they read my letter?).  Hubby gave up feigning interest and decided to play on his iPad.  I gave up looking in their direction at all and began counting everything in sight to keep from crying and tried to think of all the people that had requested prayers and tried to offer up my situation for them.  I wasn't in the greatest of moods after that and it really affected my mood the next day at my parent's house.

My dad, ever so thoughtfully, had read an article in the Columbia magazine about a couple's use of NFP, adopting, and then seeking treatment from the Pope Paul VI Institute.  After their first adopted son, they had four more kids with the help of PPVI.  He had saved the magazine article and gave it to me to read after we arrived.  It may have been uplifting to some, but at the time, I wasn't having it and got sad at the fact that not all stories end up with such a happy ending.  I know that someday I'll have a baby, but it seems to take forever to get there!

After Christmas celebrations with the family, we came back home and I wrote Thank You's (yes, I believe in Thank You's for all gifts) to my family and apologized for my lack of enthusiasm and "Pouty Patty" attitude.  Sometimes its easier to get out my feelings in writing rather than in words, as I would cry before anyone could understand what I was saying.  This week, I got the most wonderful, handwritten card back from my dad (that I'm saving for all eternity).  I received it at work, so was a mess after I read it.  Here are a few snippets that make me weepy:

"As a parent, I can feel the pain you are experiencing, as for us it took over three years to conceive you and the emptiness you feel in waiting ... You and DH have done all the right things up to this point and continue on with them.  As humans, we want things to happen on our time schedule, but the Lord has His plan and it is a much better one.  I know the both of you have faith in the Lord & Blessed Mother and you have shown the love you have for them and for each other.  So what you need to do now is to HOPE ... and that takes a deep committment.  God has heard your pleading and petitions and He will answer you, for where two or three ask in His name, He will respond.  I had read just recently that after having received Holy Communion, and as well as when going to Mass, to ask God for a special intention, for that is when He is close to you.  I am saying a daily prayer for you to St. Joseph, as he had lived a life of trust and great virtue and is always at our side to help ... I don't think DH's mom had meant to hurt your feelings, but that has happened and it is hard to overlook ... Continue to pray as I am for you and one day it will be sweet success."

I can't tell you how good it felt (and still feels) to be validated in my feelings to become a mother.

One of our other big Christmas Letter Announcements is that we are also working with a lawyer in a larger town about 1-1/2 hours south of us, in addition to our caseworker at Catholic Charities in our town.  They have more exposure and we didn't have to do much more than write a single letter for the both of us (a total of 2 pages, vs 3-5 pages) and narrow our pictures down to six.  It was hard, considering we'd made Mixb.ooks of photos and stories of us, and had just ordered eight more.  The lawyer said that they want everyone to be on an "equal" playing field.  Well, I don't!  I want the care and detail I went into to be reflected in how much I desire to become a mom and for that to be evident.  Oh well.  I will have eight momentos now.  Our lawyer has afforded us with more exposure and opportunities, as in my last post.  THANK YOU to all who commented and prayed.  We haven't heard more about that opportunity, but decided to include our profile in the running.  In addition to that opportunity, we have had several other times to have our profile shown, and are just praying that we'll know when the "right one" comes along.  That ... and we need to save more money!  The big number at the end is scary!!!

I've also been talking (over email) to my BFF, who recently told me she was pregnant with twins.  I disclosed my hate/hate relationship with Faceb.ook and why I don't check it anymore (too much baby stuff) ... and also how I don't handle baby situations well.  She is surprisingly ok with it and even volunteered to come see me in the next few months.  I'm really considering it, and might to decide to drive to see her, as I'm sure traveling isn't fun while pregnant, but especially not with twins.  I'm trying to think of it from the flip side of the coin, and I'm glad that she is too.  I told her about the suitcase full of baby clothes and how I was hurt and she agreed that she would have felt the same and probably stormed off.  I'm glad God is working with us (me especially) on our relationship and preserving it.

Today is my SIL's baby shower (for baby J).  I decided not to go.  I'm sure some of you will think that cowardly and some of you not, but for me, its what I need to do right now.  I hope that if my SIL were in my shoes, she would understand how painful it would be to attend.  I'm sure enough happy people (like my going overboard MIL) will be there that she will have a great time anyway.
                           _____________________________________________________

Awhile ago, I had the opportunity to pick a saint for 2012 ... mine is St. Francis Xavier Cabrini.  She is the patron of immigrants, emigrants, hospital administrators, orphans & against malaria.  I'm not sure quite how that fits, but I am sort of an "administrator" at work ... I'm the hub and information person ... so maybe that's why.

Inspired by the grace of God, we join the saints in honoring the holy virgin Frances Xavier Cabrini. She was a humble woman who became outstanding not because she was famous or rich or powerful, but because she lived a virtuous life. From the tender years of her youth, she kept her innocence as white as a lily and preserved it carefully with the thorns of penitence; as the years progressed, she was moved by a certain instinct and supernatural zeal to dedicate her whole life to the service and greater glory of God. She welcomed delinquent youths into safe homes, and taught them to live upright and holy lives. She consoled those who were in prison, and recalled to them the hope of eternal life. She encouraged prisoners to reform themselves, and to live honest lives. She comforted the sick and the infirm in the hospitals, and diligently cared for them. She extended a friendly and helping hand especially to immigrants, and offered them necessary shelter and relief, for having left their homeland behind, they were wandering about in a foreign land with no place to turn for help. Because of their condition, she saw that they were in danger of deserting the practice of Christian virtues and their Catholic faith. Undoubtedly she accomplished all this through the faith which was always so vibrant and alive in her heart; through the divine love which burned within her; and finally, through constant prayer by which she was so closely united with God from whom she humbly asked and obtained whatever her human weakness could not obtain. Although her constitution was very frail, her spirit was endowed with such singular strength that, knowing the will of God in her regard, she permitted nothing to impede her from accomplishing what seemed beyond her strength. 

- from a homily at the Canonization of Saint Frances Xavier Cabrini by Pope Pius XII

How do you decide?

We have had some opportunities in the last month or so about whether we are interested in having our profile shown to a birth mom who has used drugs.  One has used heroin for the first 4 months of her pregnancy.

What has been your experience with this?  Has anyone adopted children exposed to drug use, especially serious drug use?  I'm praying for God's guidance, but can't figure out what to do in those situations.

Any & all advice is greatly appreciated!

Prayer Buddy Reveal

I had the privilege of praying for CM at Confessions of a Catholic Mutt. I enjoyed praying for her intentions to find that special someone and have enjoyed offering up what I can for her, including the St. Andrew Chaplet, rosaries and the daily inconveniences and hurts. CM, know that I will keep you in my prayers! Please have faith that God will hear your prayer!

NaPro vs. IVF

On my last post, there were a few questions about why IUI and IVF are wrong.  I've copied what I wrote to the question-asker, but I thought you all might provide more input too.  Please comment what I'm missing or miss-stating.  I'm not eloquent in my defense, but I hope it makes sense.  There's a lot of ground to cover.  I'm not offended at all by the question ... I just want to make sure I cover the topic thoroughly and accurately to provide good information.

Here's a great link about 10 Reasons to Choose NaPro over IVF

I believe IVF is wrong for the fact that the doctors combine the sperm and egg in a petri dish.  They take the marital act between a man & wife out of the equation.  If you've had trans-vaginal ultrasounds (where they wand you up your privates) or any other test that's invasive or impersonal, then I'm sure that's what it feels like to "make" a baby via IVF.  The doctor has you up on stirrups, inserting embryos inside you and hoping they'll take.  The embryos are actually babies, as the sperm and egg have united and have begun cell division, which I (and other Catholics and pro-lifers) acknowledge as a human life.  Also, the doctor will "selectively reduce" the number of embryos  (babies) that he implants in the mother.  That's considered killing.  Its a crime, no matter how small a baby is.  If the embryos don't take, then the babies die.  Now, mind you, it wasn't the intent of the doctor, the mother or the father to let the babies die, but sometimes that's what happens.  There's a disease that's unidentified inside the mother, there's implantation problems that aren't identified ... and a host of other problems.  The IVF (or IUI) doesn't take care of the underlying health problems that are prohibiting conception.  Its all fine and dandy that the doctor has made a viable baby in a petri dish from the mother and father, but there's no guarantee of life for the baby.  To me, that's the heartbreaking part.  To create a life, with no guarantee of a chance at birth is selfish of the parents.  I would not wish a baby that my husband and I created to not be born.  But that happens sometimes when you choose IUI and IVF.  For that reason, just for the plain fact that my husband and I haven't co-created a life and the fact that the baby may not survive are two reasons that I believe IVF is wrong, excluding quotes from the Bible or other sources.  I don't want to play God.  For us, there are plenty of other children that we can parent and love.  For us, we want to be parents ultimately, not just reproduce ourselves.  There are so many people who have had multiple IUI's or IVF's.  Its not a guarantee of a child.  This is to say nothing to the financial cost of IVF or the turmoil it takes on the prospective mother.  There are many drugs/hormones that the prospective mother has to take to produce eggs and create the proper environment for the baby.  When you mess with a woman's hormones, watch out!  :-)

Regarding IUI's, the Catholic Church has not ruled one way or another (to my knowledge) that this is a sin.  What happens in an IUI is that the sperm is deposited up inside by the cervix, bypassing the cervical mucus (which sometimes is the culprit).  My cousin who has been trying for six years had an IUI, which resulted in a baby.  Although it worked for her, for me, it still negates the loving act between a husband and wife of co-creating a child.  If I'm not meant to have a child, that's fine ... but I wish God would send me a sign sometimes instead of me guessing.  We are still open to life, although it hasn't happened yet.  We're building our marriage and strengthening our relationship the "old-fashioned" way.  Once we have a child, we will need the strength of our marriage to make things work.

If my husband and I can't create a life together, we will love the life (lives) that God brings to us.  Perhaps this is our "signal" that God chooses us to be adoptive parents.  This is not a "second choice" for us.  This is the way that we will create our family.  By choosing adoption as the way to build our family, we are sharing all the love we have with a child.  They will be ours, regardless of whether we created them.  Many adoptive moms will tell you the same.  

I don't know if this response addresses all of your questions.  I'm posting this on my blog so that others can comment and provide additional information.  Please don't hesitate to email me back or ask further questions.  I'm more than happy to discuss anything with you.  The journey to parenthood is rocky and we need all the help we can get!  :-)

You might check out the following website for more info on NaPro:  NaPro FAQ   This is the treatment that I use ... NaPro Technology (aka Creighton).  This uses a woman's cervical mucus (CM) to see when she's most fertile, as well as charting the mucus signs.  In doing it this way, the NaPro doctor can see if there are other health issues that are preventing a pregnancy.  I've discovered several things through charting and observing my CM ... hormone issues, a post-ovulation defect, endometriosis.  These are things your normal doctor or an IVF doctor won't check for.  NaPro / Creighton is about treating underlying diseases in a woman so she is overall healthy, which then may result in a pregnancy.  That's also how insurance can cover treatments ... its a general health issue.

I feel like I've skipped around a bit ... this is a lot of information.  Please comment or email me with questions.  And ... please know that I'm praying for you!

Frustration

So, I've been staying off of Facebook for several reasons ... I don't want to see anyone's ultrasound picture and I don't want to hear/read about babies.  I'm blissfully ignorant.
Tonight, my sister calls me and in the process of our conversation asks me if I saw M&K who had posted their infertility story on FB and others had shared their link.  I go to check it out and its about how they want to win a "Free IVF Cycle" at one of the clinics ... vote for us!
They had made and edited a video of "their story" and it was well produced and all, but I couldn't shake the disgust I felt when watching it.  These are two people I grew up with, both attending the same Catholic High School I went to.  What I can't follow is how we apparently didn't attend the same religion classes, b/c they can't figure out that as Catholics, we believe that IVF is a mortal sin!  I think this would be their third attempt and they've posted that they've had 4th miscarriages from IUI's & an IVF before.
I feel compelled to say something.  It wasn't just them who were asking for votes, it was the rest of my fellow thought-to-be-Catholic classmates and mothers-of-classmates who were sharing the link and actually VOTING for them!  Like they, as Catholics, didn't know WHY they shouldn't (the super disgusting / disturbing thing is that many of them go to Communion without a second thought).  Ummm, maybe prayer is the answer, not voting for an IVF win.  Isn't this voting for them is some way a sin of sorts?
UGHHHHH!!!  I'm so disgusted.  I feel bad for M&K because they have lost babies, but I just want to scream at them through my computer and post something irrational.  I had to close the site before I did something stupid, but this situation drives me NUTS!!!   I'd better get off the internet before I post something in FB that I can't take back.

I'm sure there are blog readers who support IVF, but as a Catholic, I do not.  It is leaves God out of the act of conception.  If you don't believe the same as I do, please don't comment.  I don't want to debate you on your belief system.  This is my opinion and its not gonna be changed.

Thank You!

I thought I'd post an update to let you know how the talk went with my friend.  It didn't.  I expected her to give me a call, as I let her know what a good time was to call, but she never did.  I figured maybe she fell asleep or something.  I distracted myself today with reading blogs and budgeting, but secretly, I hoped all day that she wouldn't call.  I am a bit of a chicken, but I'm glad that I have more time before talking to her.
I want to say a HUGE Thank You to all of you who have prayed and lifted me up in prayer as I faced the aftermath of my emotions due to her announcement and as I asked for help in what to do regarding her phone call!!!  I am humbled at your friendship, your kind words and your prayers for me. Just a few days ago, I was so horribly angry and upset.  Thanks to your advice & prayers, I can say that today I don't feel such raw emotions ... even after spending the morning with my pregnant SIL & BIL who spent the night last night and half the day with us.  I even had pleasant conversation with them!  Gasp!  Seeing her baby bump was mildly irritating, because I want a baby too, but I tried to be happy for them and it didn't hurt quite so bad as I thought.  I hope these feelings will stay after today.
Thank you for all your comments and sharing your experiences.  Each and every comment means so much to me and I will be following the wonderful suggestions you provided when I talk to my pregnant friend next.  It just helps SO MUCH to know that I'm not alone and what I'm feeling is normal.

Internal Debate

I'm not sure what to do.  My friend who told me a few short days ago that she's pregnant again, this time with twins, wants to talk to me on the phone tomorrow afternoon (Sunday).  I'm not scared of talking to her, I'm scared of the topic of conversation.   She is the type of friend who likes to talk, and so in our conversations, I always end up listening most of the time.  If you've ever watched Sex & the Ci.ty, then my friend is most like Carrie ... every show (aka conversation) revolves around her at some point.  I've been friends with her since I was 16, so it has been a 14 year friendship, and she's known about my struggles with infertility, my surgeries, etc.

At the end of her "big announcement text" a few days ago, she wrote "please don't hate me,"  so I'm sure the gist of Sunday's conversation will be "how do you feel," and "this is how I feel."  She's already been telling me in additional messages how tired she is, etc. When I texted her back after her shocking news, I did say "all the right things" ... Congratulations! ... I'll bet you were surprised ... How is your little boy reacting? ... etc.  I told her that I wasn't mad at her, but I'm not sure I'm ready to open up this wound.

From the RESOLVE website:  (emphasis mine)
It would be rare to find a woman experiencing infertility who has not, at one time or another, found herself feeling unwanted emotions such as anger or envy toward other women for their pregnancies. Many women find this aspect of infertility the most difficult. Women in general tend to have great difficulty with experiences such as competition and envy; they are more comfortable connecting with each other through collaboration and support. The experience of infertility often results in women suddenly feeling separate and “on the outside,” without the support and understanding that they have grown to rely upon from trusted friends. Women experiencing infertility are often unable to provide support to their pregnant friends because it is simply too painful to do so. The onslaught of painful, primitive emotions that women experiencing infertility may feel in response to other women’s pregnanacies can be quite shocking: Some women may feel that they no longer recognize themselves. Often, women pull away and isolate, suffering in loneliness and silence. It is this isolation and pain that often drives people to find RESOLVE.  (Its true  ... I spent all morning looking at their website!)

Do I email my friend and say that I'm not ready to talk yet?

Do I be brave and talk about her new babies even though I don't want to?

There is a phrase on the RESOLVE website under Infertility Etiquette that is written to a pregnant fertile about their infertile friend:  "The fact that an infertile friend is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate a new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her."  This phrase really sticks with me ... so maybe I should just endure my pain for the sake of her happiness? 

Advice?  I just don't know what to do.

Blown out of the Water

Well, I got the most unexpected news of the year this morning.  One of my best friends just told me that she's pregnant again ... with twins.  This is the best friend who I told over three years ago that we had been trying for awhile to get pregnant.  This is the best friend who had her little boy two years ago.  Now she is pregnant with twins.
I'm not sure how to feel ... of course I'm happy for her, I guess, somewhere deep inside.  But the hurt of her being pregnant AGAIN, of being lapped twice, of her being blessed with two babies when I just want one, just hurts me to the core.  I'm so unbelievably upset right now.  And I'm so MAD.  I hate this stupid unfairness where people just want one baby ... they'll do anything ... and other people, not even trying, get the privilege of bringing children into the world.
I don't know how I'm going to make it through mass tonight.  I don't even feel like going.  I unfortunately read the email at work, so I've got to process this during the workday.  Oh, yeah, and its CD2 today.  Talk about pissed off and hormones.
Prayer buddy, please pray for strength for me.  Cause I really need some right now.

Asking for your Prayers (UPDATED)

I'm asking for prayers, if you could spare them, for my co-worker, Amber.  She went to the ER this morning as she is having headaches, loss of vision in her left eye, numbness on the left side of her face & dizziness.  She's a wife & mother to two little kids - and everyone is scared of what may be wrong.
If you could spare some prayers for God to heal her and provide the doctors with the knowledge of what's wrong, I would appreciate it so much.

UPDATE:  Amber found out she had a visual migrane (in the eye) after doing some testing.  If you could instead pray for financial security for her and her family, it would still be wonderful.  I know she's stressed about paying the bills, as her husband had to have an unexpected surgery last month and has been off work the last two months and will continue to be until his leg heals.  Thank you so much for your prayers!  They always work!

Thanksgiving Weekend

I know its been awhile since I last posted.  Aside from work and traveling home to our parents' houses for Thanksgiving celebrations, we've been living a pretty boring lives.

Morgan @ Life as We Know It ... Robbins Style gifted me with the Liebster Award!  Morgan was my prayer buddy during Summer Prayer Buddies.  She's an awesome, funny, prayerful gal who is also waiting to become a mom someday.  I feel a real connection and friendship with her.  Thanks, Morgan!  I'll be paying you back with prayer!  :-)

As far as an update on our first adoption situation, we're counting that situation as a loss.  We never heard anything back from the case worker, so they didn't pick us.  Its OK.  It wasn't the right one.  We're still optimistic.  I talked to Sue, our adoption worker last week and she said that we can network with other agencies or lawyers and give them our profile book / letters.  My MIL knows of an agency in a larger town south of us that helped a friend of a friend.  You know the story.  But I think I'll call there tomorrow and check it out.  I'm not sure what road we're supposed to take on this adoption journey ... if we're supposed to sit and be patient ... but I feel better being proactive, so we're going to go lawyer-exploring.  Hopefully we won't have to pay unless we're matched.  And hopefully we find some reputable lawyers!

We spent Thanksgiving and the Friday after at my parents' house.  My youngest sister, her fiancé and my little brother were there, but we were missing my middle sister, who celebrated Thanksgiving in South Dakota (and spent 24 hours in a car that week, no fun!).   It was a pretty fun time.  We ate a lot (of course) and hung out.  We visited my grandma, who wasn't feeling too good and didn't come over to my parents' house on Thanksgiving.  I know she is lonely and missing my Grandpa, who has been gone 4 years now.  We talked with my parents about how our adoption process was going and I told them about our first situation that didn't happen.  I was happy that they asked, although its a little uncomfortable to talk about ... everyone's eyes are on me, while I tell myself that "I will not cry when I tell this story."

Thanksgiving at my in-laws this year was HARD!  We drove down on Friday night about 10 pm and the whole way down, I was dreading spending the next few days there.  This was the first time I was going to see my pregnant SIL, L, who would be showing now ... my MIL was going to probably be talking all about the new grand baby ... and I was going to have to participate in family events.  My stomach was in knots on the drive down and once we drove into town, all I could do was try not to cry, while praying to St. Anne and St. Therese over and over again to please be with me and help me handle this.  I thought of all you bloggers who are IF and were enduring holidays like mine and tried to tell myself that I wasn't alone.  It kind of worked.  I was still super-nervous. (I like to blow up situations in my head that usually don't end up happening quite like I imagine.)  I saw L for the first time, smiled and said "hi."  My MIL did enough talking for the rest of the night and I called it a night early.

The next day, at their Thanksgiving dinner, my hubby's grandma showed up.  I was excited to see her, as she's the grandma who is IF and adopted her sister's two kids (one of which is hubby's mom; his grandma's sister kept another two).  Great-Grandma was excited about the new great-grandbaby (I can't blame her; I love her anyway.  She's 92 and has given thanks to God no matter what her situation).  So my BIL, C, who's the baby's daddy, was talking SUPER LOUD to Great Grandma about how "yes, L's STILL pregnant and she's due in Feb. on the 14th, what a special Valentine's Day present, etc" while they're right next to me ... ignoring the fact that I don't want to be a part of this conversation, let alone hear it.  I left that end of the living room and headed towards my hubby, where I sat and stared at the TV, trying to watch the football game that was on, even though I don't really like sports.  I was engrossed, trying not to cry.  My favorite "trick" to not cry is to count.  I count anything ... pictures, vases, lights ... anything with a number.  I count these objects over and over again, to try and remove myself from the emotions that are this.close to exploding out of my eyes and are currently breaking my heart.  Then I see the picture frame with the letters "Jay.den" cut out and framed.  Its the new baby's name.  Displayed in a picture frame that says "Grandparents" on the entertainment center shelving, next to the TV.  I couldn't help it.  The tears started to fall.  My sweet hubby handed me a kleenex and I tried to stop crying.  Then, my oblivious BIL & SIL came over to try and talk to the both of us.  I had to look away, because of my red, watery eyes.  Thankfully, hubby answered most of the questions & tried to take the attention off of me.

The "baby" topic of conversation continued throughout the day ... at the table, on the phone, during games, etc.  My MIL is now going to have an unwrapping of "teeny-tiny baby clothes" at Christmas, that I am supposed to be excited about (or something), b/c she winked at me, like I would look forward to this display of fabric.  All weekend, whenever the baby topic began, I would find an excuse to get up from the area and head off to do something else.  It kind of worked.  I still was upset, but I didn't cry anymore.  I could still hear their conversations, though.

I take that back.  I didn't cry anymore until the last hour with my in-laws.  Everyone else had gone home.  We were sitting there at the table, chatting.  All weekend, the baby talk had been spoken with my pregnant BIL & SIL, and now here we were with my MIL asking about how our adoption was going.  She told me about a lawyer who, when he and his wife found out they were infertile, decided they were going to "save children and adopt them."  It was that topic and a few other things.  I began to count.  Then I tried to multiply in my head.  It was a rather large number.  I am bad at math.  I couldn't help it.  I just couldn't.  I began to cry.  It was too much.  It hurt.  My MIL gave me a hug, but I still couldn't stop crying.  I didn't say much, because it was hard to talk when crying, but I just told her between sobs that I hurt.  I told her that it was hard to be patient.  I hope that she got the message.  She apologized and said that she wanted to know about our adoption process, but wasn't sure what to say.  I know she meant well.  And I'm not mad that I cried.  I'm actually happy that she can see how much I HURT waiting to be a mom.  I'm not proud of not "waiting well," but I can't bottle up my emotions either.

I told my husband that I'm making myself a shirt to wear for Christmas.  I'm not sure what goes on the front of it, but on the back, in big letters it says this, "If you can see me, I can hear you!  And I don't want to hear about no babies!"  Its not the nicest shirt in the world, but it was honestly how I felt after getting through Thanksgiving that weekend.  I'm not sure how I'm going to get through Christmas.  I'm probably the most upset at the oblivious BIL & SIL, but I know I'm raining on their parade by being such a baby-grinch, so don't worry, I won't make the t-shirt.