I guess today is the "official" day I become an aunt. My BIL texted my hubby this morning to say that they're in the hospital and hope to have the baby around noon today. There's no more avoiding them in real life. The baby is coming early, as they were due on Valentine's Day ... a day which my MIL on FB said "Was so, so perfect for the first Grandchild" or some crap like that.
I must have known something was up yesterday, b/c I got really angry and upset last night and lashed out at my husband. We were out running errands and for some reason, I brought up the topic of BIL & SIL & new baby. Which led to the comment from me about being lapped ... again! Which led him to say that ... well, your BFF with twins was "older" & "why do I compare myself to her and others?". Which made me angrier. I told him you don't say that to an infertile person (actually, I've told him this twice before last night, too). It wasn't a great night.
This morning as I was getting ready for work, hubby told me they were in the hospital. I read hubby's texts when he was in the shower ... apparently it was a mass text-message to everyone but me (thank goodness!) ... about the progress of SIL & her labor. As I was getting ready, my mind flashed this morning to all the happenings in the future. Of course, we'll have to go see the baby here soon. We'll have to coo and ooohhh and ahhhhh over him. Its not like he won't be cute or undeserving of the attention and praise, but rather, my heart will be breaking inside. He'll be the center of attention when we go back to MIL & FIL's for a family gathering. Everything will revolve around him ... especially knowing MIL. There will be so many comments about baby. All the while ignoring the infertile person who will hear them. I want to scream at them all that "I have been trying to get pregnant for 5-1/2 years ... don't you know the hurt I feel?" ... 'cause they don't know. Obviously. They have sex one time when their birth control didn't work, they weren't "trying" and poof ... a baby ... who didn't come according to their plans. Well ... I wouldn't know ANYTHING about that!
After hubby got out of the shower, my anger erupted again (I had time to think ... which is not always good). I yelled at hubby. I didn't want to get updates. Who is their right mind would think I would? I thought I had accepted what was going to happen, but I guess I really didn't. You see, I had practiced the super-effective technique of "avoidance" ... but now I can't avoid it anymore (in reality, its not so effective ... don't try that yourself.)
I don't know where the anger comes from. I'm mad at God. I wonder when will it be my turn? How long do I have to wait? Why do others who don't want a baby get one ... not me? Please understand, I do NOT hate the baby, but I do hate what kind of person I've become. I can't get rid of the anger and hurt and JEALOUSY. I'm mad at the fact that no one IRL understands my infertility and thinks about whether or not I have to be included for some things, or hear certain comments for that matter. They are all super-fertile, so of course that's not on their radar.
This morning, hubby said "You're going to have to get used to it." I find his comments unhelpful. Of course, he doesn't feel like being helpful or kind once I've yelled at him, either, so if I'm thinking straight, I can't blame him. How do I "get used to it?" How do I swallow my anger/hurt/jealousy towards my BIL, SIL & MIL? I'm going to need some coping tips.
Many prayers for what you are going through. Try to look at this child for what it is...a blessing from the Lord (whether or not you agree with how "easy" it was for them to get pregnant.) Let your heart be open so you can allow all the love in! No one except the Lord has the answers you're looking for. It always helps me to listen to uplifting music and turn to the word. It doesn't take the pain away but it can put it into perspective. Your day will come and when it does all these feelings will be a distant memory.
ReplyDeleteEcc 3:11 He has made everything beautiful in His time; also He has set eternity in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God makes from the beginning to the end.
Your emotions are so normal. Please don't be too hard on yourself. And our husbands don't say the right things sometimes but it doesn't mean that they disregard our feelings. I wish I had the perfect words for you on how to cope with this situation but I don't. Focus on the baby and not on the parents who will probably not be sensitive to your emotions at this joyful time for them. Unfortunately, my coping mechanism with my super insensitive SIL has been avoidance, but this isn't always possible. I have tears in my eyes thinking of what you are feeling right now.....trust me I understand. I HATE the jealously and bitterness. I have been there. I will pray for you. Your time is coming.
ReplyDeleteUgh! I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. I've been in your shoes many a times...with 3 babies born to SILs and not in the best of situations/living arrangements either. I'm with PW....my coping mechanism has been avoidance, but then again, when you live far away like we do, it's easier to do that. I know the anger and jealousy too well, and in fact, still find those emotions cropping up with SILs even now with a child in my womb. How is that for crazy?!? You are definitely not alone. Try not to dwell on or be too consumed with all the baby stuff. Focus on the other areas of your life that you are passionate about and involved in. I guess that's another coping mechanism I've used....don't think about it. Whatever you decide....hang in there. You are a strong, amazing, incredible woman!!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for this suffering you're experiencing. Your feeling is normal, you have so much love to give to a child. For me, I'm learning that the only way to cope with the anger, hurt and those ugly feelings is to lash them out...I mean it..lash them out, not to any people, but to your Beloved. He'll understand, and He can take them. No, He won't be angry back at you, He'll smile and touch your wound. Don't swallow them, because satan can use them. Bring them to the Light. Open your heart as wide as possible, let Him see it, cry if you need to. You might have to do this over and over and over again, but I'm sure He can take all your anger lovingly. I'll be praying for you
ReplyDeleteI'm so very sorry- know exactly how you feel. When my dad and I were talking about my sister being pregnant, he said, "Don't worry honey, your life will pop someday." How very hurtful (on many levels) from a person I love so much. And then there was the 9 years hubby didn't want another child. Oh dear. Looking back on it the things that helped me the most were: 1) Practicing gratitude, 2) Praying the Rosary- especially the Joyful Mysteries because they helped me reflect that even when you have a baby, life is full of sorrow and pain and that the key to it all is accepting God's will and 3) Reciting the Litany of Humility. None of these work quickly. But, they bring peace eventually. Everyone is on a different path- maybe this list will help, maybe it won't. Know I'm praying for you during this hard time.
ReplyDeleteI can relate. When my stepson and his girlfriend told us they were pregnant (around 20 weeks) I was a mess. Then I avoided it. I didn't think about it. I pretended it wasn't real. Then the phone call came that she was in labor. I was not prepared to deal with it at.all. I had been in denial, so when the baby actually came, I was not able to cope.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I had 3 months to prepare myself to meet baby. I think that was my only saving grace. I had 3 months to grieve, to give myself a pep talk, to try and be happy for my husband who was now grandpa (like it or not). Then when I finally met the baby, there were tears. I'm not going to lie, it hurt. (because really really, who wants to be a grandma before they're a mom.)
I'm not sure how I came around to being OK with it, but I am (most of the time). I don't want to punch people that call me grandma anymore. :)
The only coping mechanisms I know, are time and prayer. I'm sorry you're in such pain.
I'm sorry! I know exactly how you feel. With 12 very fertile sisters in law, it is never ending. The only thing I know to do is to pray that God take those feelings away from me. And, also just being able to write or say how you feel helps. Having someone to just listen somehow makes it a little better. I guess maybe it helps to just get the words out there instead of them just running back and forth in your head. I agree with Amelia about pouring your feelings out to the Lord. If you have perpetual adoration near you, it might ease the pain to go and talk to the Lord. Also, know that I am praying for you that you will feel peace and hope and soon be blessed with your own sweet baby.
ReplyDeleteNo matter how it happens, or who it happens to, it's just plain hard. It's OKAY and definitely normal to be upset by it. It doesn't make you a bad person, and it doesn't mean you aren't happy for them. It's a perfectly normal reaction! I wish I could give you some advice on coping, but to be honest, I was horrible at coping. I just faked it the whole time I was at the hospital and then would fall apart in the car and unload on my hubby. :( I like the other commentors' suggestions though. Prayer is really the best thing. You are in my prayers!!
ReplyDeleteIt is things like this that I think are the hardest part of this journey to explain to someone whose never experienced it. I think because even in our own heads, we know that any new life is a good thing, and that if our own circumstances were different, we would be reacting differently, and yet, they aren't and we don't. It is just all. so. hard.
ReplyDeletePrayers for you!!!!
Ugh. Agree... with everyone. I HATE this feeling.
ReplyDeleteLet me just say you are one of the strongest people I know. I CAN'T even imagine 5+ years! You are SO brave. I'd be falling apart too, how can you not? It's devastating. I echo what Amelia said, the Lord can handle it. I agree with Rebecca as well, it's so hard b/c of our circumstances. Hang in there, hang in there. I'll be praying!!!
ReplyDeleteI am so, so sorry. It's so difficult when it's something you want so badly and others know you're hurting yet disregard your feelings. I think the only thing that really helps me when jealousy rears its ugly head is to pray. Sometimes I don't even want to pray, but if I can force myself, I remember that crosses happen for a reason, even if I don't understand them. I wish that none of us had to go through this...
ReplyDeleteKnow that you have so many people praying for you. Hugs.
I'm so sorry! I wish I had something helpful to say, but I don't because it just SUCKS. Praying for you!
ReplyDeleteMany many prayers for you today. I have no way of knowing how difficult the day has been or the coming days will continue to be. But I do understand husbands who say really unhelpful things. Sometimes they just don't get it.
ReplyDeleteOh the anger, pain, jealousy and hurt....it's all too familiar. I hate feeling that way also and it seems to be something that, at times, is impossible to control.
ReplyDeleteI will say, for me, usually once I finally see the baby and family it's not as bad. There's something about pregnancy and the anticipation of, and the of course the birth, that leave me feeling not so great. But like I said, after the baby is here...for me at least, it wasn't as bad.
Praying that it's that way for you! Praying for you in general..I'm so sorry you are having to experience this right now, my heart hurts for you!
Praying for you, especially that you get a match soon and can forget about other people's babies cause you will have one of your own.
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