Updates

I've had alot of posts that I've written in my head that have never actually made it to the blog  (they're the best ones!) ... but I wanted to do a quick update on what's been going on in my life.

I finally decided this year to write a Christmas letter to our families and friends.  In the letter, we disclosed the news that we are adopting and have been approved to do so.  We also included the following paragraph to help people see a little of what our struggle was.

"As many of you know, we have desperately wanted to start our family for years now.  After Amanda’s surgeries last year, we thought they would do the trick, along with various medicines, but there are still underlying issues that we haven’t found.  Although we are still open to life, we desire to be parents more than we wish to have a biological child.  Because of this, we have spent the last six months researching, doing paperwork and completing a home study so we can adopt a child.  As of October 21, we are officially approved to be adoptive parents should a birth mother choose us!  We are using a local agency, coupled with a lawyer, in hopes that we can have more exposure.  It has been difficult watching as our family and friends begin and expand their families as we still wait to become parents.  We ask for your prayers as we carry this cross, as well as for God’s guidance in the adoption process, both for us and for all birth parents, who have difficult decisions to make."

We celebrated Christmas with our families in our hometowns, spending a few days with each family.  We started with the hubby's parents in northern Kansas up to Christmas Eve.  Hubby's brother that hadn't been to a family Christmas in 2 years showed up and it was great to see him again!  It was a good time with his family ... up to the opening of the Christmas presents.  We draw names to buy just one gift and that went well.  Then at the end, was "Baby J" gift time, for the new grandbaby-to-be.  Hubby's mom had wrapped up a monogrammed suitcase with the baby's name on it and had stuffed it with baby clothes out the whazoo.  We spent about 15 minutes watching the new parents-to-be pull out outfit after outfit.  While it was worse than having my wisdom teeth pulled, no one else realized it was (Hello!  Didn't they read my letter?).  Hubby gave up feigning interest and decided to play on his iPad.  I gave up looking in their direction at all and began counting everything in sight to keep from crying and tried to think of all the people that had requested prayers and tried to offer up my situation for them.  I wasn't in the greatest of moods after that and it really affected my mood the next day at my parent's house.

My dad, ever so thoughtfully, had read an article in the Columbia magazine about a couple's use of NFP, adopting, and then seeking treatment from the Pope Paul VI Institute.  After their first adopted son, they had four more kids with the help of PPVI.  He had saved the magazine article and gave it to me to read after we arrived.  It may have been uplifting to some, but at the time, I wasn't having it and got sad at the fact that not all stories end up with such a happy ending.  I know that someday I'll have a baby, but it seems to take forever to get there!

After Christmas celebrations with the family, we came back home and I wrote Thank You's (yes, I believe in Thank You's for all gifts) to my family and apologized for my lack of enthusiasm and "Pouty Patty" attitude.  Sometimes its easier to get out my feelings in writing rather than in words, as I would cry before anyone could understand what I was saying.  This week, I got the most wonderful, handwritten card back from my dad (that I'm saving for all eternity).  I received it at work, so was a mess after I read it.  Here are a few snippets that make me weepy:

"As a parent, I can feel the pain you are experiencing, as for us it took over three years to conceive you and the emptiness you feel in waiting ... You and DH have done all the right things up to this point and continue on with them.  As humans, we want things to happen on our time schedule, but the Lord has His plan and it is a much better one.  I know the both of you have faith in the Lord & Blessed Mother and you have shown the love you have for them and for each other.  So what you need to do now is to HOPE ... and that takes a deep committment.  God has heard your pleading and petitions and He will answer you, for where two or three ask in His name, He will respond.  I had read just recently that after having received Holy Communion, and as well as when going to Mass, to ask God for a special intention, for that is when He is close to you.  I am saying a daily prayer for you to St. Joseph, as he had lived a life of trust and great virtue and is always at our side to help ... I don't think DH's mom had meant to hurt your feelings, but that has happened and it is hard to overlook ... Continue to pray as I am for you and one day it will be sweet success."

I can't tell you how good it felt (and still feels) to be validated in my feelings to become a mother.

One of our other big Christmas Letter Announcements is that we are also working with a lawyer in a larger town about 1-1/2 hours south of us, in addition to our caseworker at Catholic Charities in our town.  They have more exposure and we didn't have to do much more than write a single letter for the both of us (a total of 2 pages, vs 3-5 pages) and narrow our pictures down to six.  It was hard, considering we'd made Mixb.ooks of photos and stories of us, and had just ordered eight more.  The lawyer said that they want everyone to be on an "equal" playing field.  Well, I don't!  I want the care and detail I went into to be reflected in how much I desire to become a mom and for that to be evident.  Oh well.  I will have eight momentos now.  Our lawyer has afforded us with more exposure and opportunities, as in my last post.  THANK YOU to all who commented and prayed.  We haven't heard more about that opportunity, but decided to include our profile in the running.  In addition to that opportunity, we have had several other times to have our profile shown, and are just praying that we'll know when the "right one" comes along.  That ... and we need to save more money!  The big number at the end is scary!!!

I've also been talking (over email) to my BFF, who recently told me she was pregnant with twins.  I disclosed my hate/hate relationship with Faceb.ook and why I don't check it anymore (too much baby stuff) ... and also how I don't handle baby situations well.  She is surprisingly ok with it and even volunteered to come see me in the next few months.  I'm really considering it, and might to decide to drive to see her, as I'm sure traveling isn't fun while pregnant, but especially not with twins.  I'm trying to think of it from the flip side of the coin, and I'm glad that she is too.  I told her about the suitcase full of baby clothes and how I was hurt and she agreed that she would have felt the same and probably stormed off.  I'm glad God is working with us (me especially) on our relationship and preserving it.

Today is my SIL's baby shower (for baby J).  I decided not to go.  I'm sure some of you will think that cowardly and some of you not, but for me, its what I need to do right now.  I hope that if my SIL were in my shoes, she would understand how painful it would be to attend.  I'm sure enough happy people (like my going overboard MIL) will be there that she will have a great time anyway.
                           _____________________________________________________

Awhile ago, I had the opportunity to pick a saint for 2012 ... mine is St. Francis Xavier Cabrini.  She is the patron of immigrants, emigrants, hospital administrators, orphans & against malaria.  I'm not sure quite how that fits, but I am sort of an "administrator" at work ... I'm the hub and information person ... so maybe that's why.

Inspired by the grace of God, we join the saints in honoring the holy virgin Frances Xavier Cabrini. She was a humble woman who became outstanding not because she was famous or rich or powerful, but because she lived a virtuous life. From the tender years of her youth, she kept her innocence as white as a lily and preserved it carefully with the thorns of penitence; as the years progressed, she was moved by a certain instinct and supernatural zeal to dedicate her whole life to the service and greater glory of God. She welcomed delinquent youths into safe homes, and taught them to live upright and holy lives. She consoled those who were in prison, and recalled to them the hope of eternal life. She encouraged prisoners to reform themselves, and to live honest lives. She comforted the sick and the infirm in the hospitals, and diligently cared for them. She extended a friendly and helping hand especially to immigrants, and offered them necessary shelter and relief, for having left their homeland behind, they were wandering about in a foreign land with no place to turn for help. Because of their condition, she saw that they were in danger of deserting the practice of Christian virtues and their Catholic faith. Undoubtedly she accomplished all this through the faith which was always so vibrant and alive in her heart; through the divine love which burned within her; and finally, through constant prayer by which she was so closely united with God from whom she humbly asked and obtained whatever her human weakness could not obtain. Although her constitution was very frail, her spirit was endowed with such singular strength that, knowing the will of God in her regard, she permitted nothing to impede her from accomplishing what seemed beyond her strength. 

- from a homily at the Canonization of Saint Frances Xavier Cabrini by Pope Pius XII