Frustration

So, I've been staying off of Facebook for several reasons ... I don't want to see anyone's ultrasound picture and I don't want to hear/read about babies.  I'm blissfully ignorant.
Tonight, my sister calls me and in the process of our conversation asks me if I saw M&K who had posted their infertility story on FB and others had shared their link.  I go to check it out and its about how they want to win a "Free IVF Cycle" at one of the clinics ... vote for us!
They had made and edited a video of "their story" and it was well produced and all, but I couldn't shake the disgust I felt when watching it.  These are two people I grew up with, both attending the same Catholic High School I went to.  What I can't follow is how we apparently didn't attend the same religion classes, b/c they can't figure out that as Catholics, we believe that IVF is a mortal sin!  I think this would be their third attempt and they've posted that they've had 4th miscarriages from IUI's & an IVF before.
I feel compelled to say something.  It wasn't just them who were asking for votes, it was the rest of my fellow thought-to-be-Catholic classmates and mothers-of-classmates who were sharing the link and actually VOTING for them!  Like they, as Catholics, didn't know WHY they shouldn't (the super disgusting / disturbing thing is that many of them go to Communion without a second thought).  Ummm, maybe prayer is the answer, not voting for an IVF win.  Isn't this voting for them is some way a sin of sorts?
UGHHHHH!!!  I'm so disgusted.  I feel bad for M&K because they have lost babies, but I just want to scream at them through my computer and post something irrational.  I had to close the site before I did something stupid, but this situation drives me NUTS!!!   I'd better get off the internet before I post something in FB that I can't take back.

I'm sure there are blog readers who support IVF, but as a Catholic, I do not.  It is leaves God out of the act of conception.  If you don't believe the same as I do, please don't comment.  I don't want to debate you on your belief system.  This is my opinion and its not gonna be changed.

Thank You!

I thought I'd post an update to let you know how the talk went with my friend.  It didn't.  I expected her to give me a call, as I let her know what a good time was to call, but she never did.  I figured maybe she fell asleep or something.  I distracted myself today with reading blogs and budgeting, but secretly, I hoped all day that she wouldn't call.  I am a bit of a chicken, but I'm glad that I have more time before talking to her.
I want to say a HUGE Thank You to all of you who have prayed and lifted me up in prayer as I faced the aftermath of my emotions due to her announcement and as I asked for help in what to do regarding her phone call!!!  I am humbled at your friendship, your kind words and your prayers for me. Just a few days ago, I was so horribly angry and upset.  Thanks to your advice & prayers, I can say that today I don't feel such raw emotions ... even after spending the morning with my pregnant SIL & BIL who spent the night last night and half the day with us.  I even had pleasant conversation with them!  Gasp!  Seeing her baby bump was mildly irritating, because I want a baby too, but I tried to be happy for them and it didn't hurt quite so bad as I thought.  I hope these feelings will stay after today.
Thank you for all your comments and sharing your experiences.  Each and every comment means so much to me and I will be following the wonderful suggestions you provided when I talk to my pregnant friend next.  It just helps SO MUCH to know that I'm not alone and what I'm feeling is normal.

Internal Debate

I'm not sure what to do.  My friend who told me a few short days ago that she's pregnant again, this time with twins, wants to talk to me on the phone tomorrow afternoon (Sunday).  I'm not scared of talking to her, I'm scared of the topic of conversation.   She is the type of friend who likes to talk, and so in our conversations, I always end up listening most of the time.  If you've ever watched Sex & the Ci.ty, then my friend is most like Carrie ... every show (aka conversation) revolves around her at some point.  I've been friends with her since I was 16, so it has been a 14 year friendship, and she's known about my struggles with infertility, my surgeries, etc.

At the end of her "big announcement text" a few days ago, she wrote "please don't hate me,"  so I'm sure the gist of Sunday's conversation will be "how do you feel," and "this is how I feel."  She's already been telling me in additional messages how tired she is, etc. When I texted her back after her shocking news, I did say "all the right things" ... Congratulations! ... I'll bet you were surprised ... How is your little boy reacting? ... etc.  I told her that I wasn't mad at her, but I'm not sure I'm ready to open up this wound.

From the RESOLVE website:  (emphasis mine)
It would be rare to find a woman experiencing infertility who has not, at one time or another, found herself feeling unwanted emotions such as anger or envy toward other women for their pregnancies. Many women find this aspect of infertility the most difficult. Women in general tend to have great difficulty with experiences such as competition and envy; they are more comfortable connecting with each other through collaboration and support. The experience of infertility often results in women suddenly feeling separate and “on the outside,” without the support and understanding that they have grown to rely upon from trusted friends. Women experiencing infertility are often unable to provide support to their pregnant friends because it is simply too painful to do so. The onslaught of painful, primitive emotions that women experiencing infertility may feel in response to other women’s pregnanacies can be quite shocking: Some women may feel that they no longer recognize themselves. Often, women pull away and isolate, suffering in loneliness and silence. It is this isolation and pain that often drives people to find RESOLVE.  (Its true  ... I spent all morning looking at their website!)

Do I email my friend and say that I'm not ready to talk yet?

Do I be brave and talk about her new babies even though I don't want to?

There is a phrase on the RESOLVE website under Infertility Etiquette that is written to a pregnant fertile about their infertile friend:  "The fact that an infertile friend is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate a new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her."  This phrase really sticks with me ... so maybe I should just endure my pain for the sake of her happiness? 

Advice?  I just don't know what to do.

Blown out of the Water

Well, I got the most unexpected news of the year this morning.  One of my best friends just told me that she's pregnant again ... with twins.  This is the best friend who I told over three years ago that we had been trying for awhile to get pregnant.  This is the best friend who had her little boy two years ago.  Now she is pregnant with twins.
I'm not sure how to feel ... of course I'm happy for her, I guess, somewhere deep inside.  But the hurt of her being pregnant AGAIN, of being lapped twice, of her being blessed with two babies when I just want one, just hurts me to the core.  I'm so unbelievably upset right now.  And I'm so MAD.  I hate this stupid unfairness where people just want one baby ... they'll do anything ... and other people, not even trying, get the privilege of bringing children into the world.
I don't know how I'm going to make it through mass tonight.  I don't even feel like going.  I unfortunately read the email at work, so I've got to process this during the workday.  Oh, yeah, and its CD2 today.  Talk about pissed off and hormones.
Prayer buddy, please pray for strength for me.  Cause I really need some right now.

Asking for your Prayers (UPDATED)

I'm asking for prayers, if you could spare them, for my co-worker, Amber.  She went to the ER this morning as she is having headaches, loss of vision in her left eye, numbness on the left side of her face & dizziness.  She's a wife & mother to two little kids - and everyone is scared of what may be wrong.
If you could spare some prayers for God to heal her and provide the doctors with the knowledge of what's wrong, I would appreciate it so much.

UPDATE:  Amber found out she had a visual migrane (in the eye) after doing some testing.  If you could instead pray for financial security for her and her family, it would still be wonderful.  I know she's stressed about paying the bills, as her husband had to have an unexpected surgery last month and has been off work the last two months and will continue to be until his leg heals.  Thank you so much for your prayers!  They always work!

Thanksgiving Weekend

I know its been awhile since I last posted.  Aside from work and traveling home to our parents' houses for Thanksgiving celebrations, we've been living a pretty boring lives.

Morgan @ Life as We Know It ... Robbins Style gifted me with the Liebster Award!  Morgan was my prayer buddy during Summer Prayer Buddies.  She's an awesome, funny, prayerful gal who is also waiting to become a mom someday.  I feel a real connection and friendship with her.  Thanks, Morgan!  I'll be paying you back with prayer!  :-)

As far as an update on our first adoption situation, we're counting that situation as a loss.  We never heard anything back from the case worker, so they didn't pick us.  Its OK.  It wasn't the right one.  We're still optimistic.  I talked to Sue, our adoption worker last week and she said that we can network with other agencies or lawyers and give them our profile book / letters.  My MIL knows of an agency in a larger town south of us that helped a friend of a friend.  You know the story.  But I think I'll call there tomorrow and check it out.  I'm not sure what road we're supposed to take on this adoption journey ... if we're supposed to sit and be patient ... but I feel better being proactive, so we're going to go lawyer-exploring.  Hopefully we won't have to pay unless we're matched.  And hopefully we find some reputable lawyers!

We spent Thanksgiving and the Friday after at my parents' house.  My youngest sister, her fiancé and my little brother were there, but we were missing my middle sister, who celebrated Thanksgiving in South Dakota (and spent 24 hours in a car that week, no fun!).   It was a pretty fun time.  We ate a lot (of course) and hung out.  We visited my grandma, who wasn't feeling too good and didn't come over to my parents' house on Thanksgiving.  I know she is lonely and missing my Grandpa, who has been gone 4 years now.  We talked with my parents about how our adoption process was going and I told them about our first situation that didn't happen.  I was happy that they asked, although its a little uncomfortable to talk about ... everyone's eyes are on me, while I tell myself that "I will not cry when I tell this story."

Thanksgiving at my in-laws this year was HARD!  We drove down on Friday night about 10 pm and the whole way down, I was dreading spending the next few days there.  This was the first time I was going to see my pregnant SIL, L, who would be showing now ... my MIL was going to probably be talking all about the new grand baby ... and I was going to have to participate in family events.  My stomach was in knots on the drive down and once we drove into town, all I could do was try not to cry, while praying to St. Anne and St. Therese over and over again to please be with me and help me handle this.  I thought of all you bloggers who are IF and were enduring holidays like mine and tried to tell myself that I wasn't alone.  It kind of worked.  I was still super-nervous. (I like to blow up situations in my head that usually don't end up happening quite like I imagine.)  I saw L for the first time, smiled and said "hi."  My MIL did enough talking for the rest of the night and I called it a night early.

The next day, at their Thanksgiving dinner, my hubby's grandma showed up.  I was excited to see her, as she's the grandma who is IF and adopted her sister's two kids (one of which is hubby's mom; his grandma's sister kept another two).  Great-Grandma was excited about the new great-grandbaby (I can't blame her; I love her anyway.  She's 92 and has given thanks to God no matter what her situation).  So my BIL, C, who's the baby's daddy, was talking SUPER LOUD to Great Grandma about how "yes, L's STILL pregnant and she's due in Feb. on the 14th, what a special Valentine's Day present, etc" while they're right next to me ... ignoring the fact that I don't want to be a part of this conversation, let alone hear it.  I left that end of the living room and headed towards my hubby, where I sat and stared at the TV, trying to watch the football game that was on, even though I don't really like sports.  I was engrossed, trying not to cry.  My favorite "trick" to not cry is to count.  I count anything ... pictures, vases, lights ... anything with a number.  I count these objects over and over again, to try and remove myself from the emotions that are this.close to exploding out of my eyes and are currently breaking my heart.  Then I see the picture frame with the letters "Jay.den" cut out and framed.  Its the new baby's name.  Displayed in a picture frame that says "Grandparents" on the entertainment center shelving, next to the TV.  I couldn't help it.  The tears started to fall.  My sweet hubby handed me a kleenex and I tried to stop crying.  Then, my oblivious BIL & SIL came over to try and talk to the both of us.  I had to look away, because of my red, watery eyes.  Thankfully, hubby answered most of the questions & tried to take the attention off of me.

The "baby" topic of conversation continued throughout the day ... at the table, on the phone, during games, etc.  My MIL is now going to have an unwrapping of "teeny-tiny baby clothes" at Christmas, that I am supposed to be excited about (or something), b/c she winked at me, like I would look forward to this display of fabric.  All weekend, whenever the baby topic began, I would find an excuse to get up from the area and head off to do something else.  It kind of worked.  I still was upset, but I didn't cry anymore.  I could still hear their conversations, though.

I take that back.  I didn't cry anymore until the last hour with my in-laws.  Everyone else had gone home.  We were sitting there at the table, chatting.  All weekend, the baby talk had been spoken with my pregnant BIL & SIL, and now here we were with my MIL asking about how our adoption was going.  She told me about a lawyer who, when he and his wife found out they were infertile, decided they were going to "save children and adopt them."  It was that topic and a few other things.  I began to count.  Then I tried to multiply in my head.  It was a rather large number.  I am bad at math.  I couldn't help it.  I just couldn't.  I began to cry.  It was too much.  It hurt.  My MIL gave me a hug, but I still couldn't stop crying.  I didn't say much, because it was hard to talk when crying, but I just told her between sobs that I hurt.  I told her that it was hard to be patient.  I hope that she got the message.  She apologized and said that she wanted to know about our adoption process, but wasn't sure what to say.  I know she meant well.  And I'm not mad that I cried.  I'm actually happy that she can see how much I HURT waiting to be a mom.  I'm not proud of not "waiting well," but I can't bottle up my emotions either.

I told my husband that I'm making myself a shirt to wear for Christmas.  I'm not sure what goes on the front of it, but on the back, in big letters it says this, "If you can see me, I can hear you!  And I don't want to hear about no babies!"  Its not the nicest shirt in the world, but it was honestly how I felt after getting through Thanksgiving that weekend.  I'm not sure how I'm going to get through Christmas.  I'm probably the most upset at the oblivious BIL & SIL, but I know I'm raining on their parade by being such a baby-grinch, so don't worry, I won't make the t-shirt.

Husbands & Vitamins ... not a good combo!

I am SO MAD at my husband.  ARGH!
It all started tonight when it was time to take my daily meds: my thyroid meds, T3, several pills to enhance my CM, my multivitamin and my Omega3 pills ... quite the handful!  I split my stash into three gulps, because some of them are huge and I have a fear of myself choking on one that gets lodged in my throat.  After half a glass of liquid, I get them down.
My hubby has two day-of-the-week cases ... one by the computer (for the morning)  & one by the couch in the living room  (for the evening) that I pre-sort for him ... how convenient for him!  I only have him taking three pills, twice a day ... one for a multi-vitamin, a Vitamin C and Ferti.lAid.  That's it.
I ask him if he would like to take his evening pills too.  They are right next to him on the coffee table.  All he's got to do is reach over and pop the cover off the pre-sorted pill box, pop them in his mouth and wash them down with water, which is (conveniently) sitting on the same coffee table.  He moans and groans about taking them.  "They make me burp and I can taste them all evening," he says.  WAHHHHH!
Does he know what I do to try and be healthy to conceive a baby?  I take handfuls of pills twice a day at specific intervals, chart my CM all the time at each bathroom visit, get wanded twice a month (hello, super fun - not!), get progesterone shots five days a month and have to keep up with all the doctors, meds and tests ... and he is upset because all he has to do is take some stupid pills twice a day ... which he NEVER does anyway?  Did I mention that I've had three surgeries to try and fix my broken self?
It is just so frustrating and I know I'm angry and shouldn't be posting this, but I just need to vent.  Its bad enough that I AM the broken one and its up to me to fix everything.  HE's fine, his little guys are just great, so he doesn't need to take vitamins.  He's Mr. Perfect.  I'm Ms. Broken.  Little does he know how hurt I am that he can't contribute in this small way to the possible conception of a child.  I'm doing everything in MY power and he's got not a care in the world.
Its nothing to stay mad over ... so I'm not going to be ... but do any of your husbands give you grief over this kind of trivial stuff?

I am a Liebster Blog Award Winner!

Jess @ When the Music Fades has generously awarded me with the Liebster Blog Award!  Thanks so much, Jess!!!  You're so sweet!!!

The Liebster Award spotlights up and coming bloggers who generally have less than 200 followers. 


My Liebster Blog Award Winners are:
1.  C @ Patiently Waiting .... Kinda
2.  G @ Renewing Moments
3.  E @ A Martha trying to be Mary
4.  M @ Finally Parents
5.  I Must Have Prayed for Patience


Upon receipt of the Liebster Blog Award, there are a few very simple rules: 
1. Copy and paste the award on your blog
2. Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you
3. Reveal your top 5 picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.
4. Hope that your followers will spread the love to other bloggers.

No News Yet

Just wanted to let you all know that there is no news yet.  We don't know anything one way or the other.  I'm not sure whether or not to call Sue and ask her how long the process takes in which the birth parents decide who they select.  I guess as an adoption "novice," I could.  I would imagine that she'll let us know even if we don't get picked.  How long does the "selection" process by the birth parents take?

I had a thought on Monday night that perhaps this is God's way of getting me through Thanksgiving with my pregnant sister-in-law, "L".  I have the possibility of being a mother ... until I hear otherwise.  I can pretend that the birth parents are picking us.  I am hoping it will lessen the pain and jealousy I might feel when seeing "L's" pregnant self over the holiday weekend.

Please Pray with Us!

I haven't posted too much in the last week or so, but I've been reading everyone's posts.  Lunch is my favorite part of the day ... I eat and read blogs.  :-)

Not much has been happening in our lives.  I was bitten by the "I'm getting fat" bug, so I've been trying to move around more and eat less, without actually doing exercising moves.  I mowed the lawn and cut down all the dead flowers for the winter ... so that was a productive Saturday.  Then yesterday, the hubby and I cleaned our cars out and did errands for the week, as well as two little fix-it projects around the house.  I'm trying to do a little thing each day and hope it makes a difference.  Plus, I need to get motivated to actually get to the gym.  At my last cycle review on Friday, Dr. Keefe increased my thyroid med dosage, so I hope that gets me more in gear than I've been.  Most nights, I crash on the couch by 8:30 pm b/c I'm pooped!

And in other EXCITING NEWS ... I just got the first call only ten minutes ago from our case worker, Sue, that they will be showing our profile book / letter to one set of birthparents.  Now, I know this does not mean anything serious, as adoption situations fall through all the time or other couples are picked instead ... but to me, it is EXCITING as I am realizing that my dream of being a mother MAY ACTUALLY BE POSSIBLE and not just something out of my grasp.  I am not telling my family yet, as who knows what will happen ... so you all get to be the first to know (after my hubby, of course)!!!  I would like to ask for your prayers to join with ours ... with the specific intention for the birth family that they pick the right family, whether that is us or not.

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart; and lean not upon your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct your path.”  Proverbs 3:5-6 

St. Therese of Lisieux

This is an excerpt written by St. Therese of Lisieux in "The Story of a Soul."  It's about the day St. Therese thought would have been her entrance day into the Carmelites.  This was shared by "Mari" on the Yahoo Catholic IF site, and after I read it this morning, I was so moved that I just had to share it with you (emphasis mine).


"My heart was broken when going to Midnight mass; I was counting so much on assisting at it behind Carmel's grilles!  This trial was very great for my faith, but the One who watches even when he sleeps made me understand that to those whose faith is like that of a mustard seed He grants miracles and moves mountains in order to strengthen this faith which is still small; but for His intimate friends, for His Mother, He works no miracles before having tried their faith.   Did He not allow Lazarus to die even after Martha and Mary told Him he was sick?  At the wedding of Cana when the Blessed Virgin asked Jesus to come to the help of the head of the house, didn't He answer her that His hour had not yet come? But after the trial, what a reward?  The water was changed into wine & Lazarus was raised from the dead!"  Thus Jesus acted toward His little Therese: after having tried her for a long time, He granted all the desires of her heart.

"If God hasn’t answered your prayer yet, perhaps He is strengthening your heart for something greater.”   - Nick Vujicic (Author of "Life Without Limbs")

Approved to Adopt & St. Jude Novena

Well, its official!  Sue, our adoption worker said that "As soon as you give us your Adoption Learning Partners Course Certificates, you will be ready to adopt." Guess what I just emailed off?!?!?!?!?  :)  The hubby and I buckled down tonight to spend three hours watching videos so we could receive our certificates and email our "proof" off to the correct authority.  Sue's words definitely got these two procrastinators in gear!  Its exciting and a little scary for this milestone to be complete.

Now I'm trying to figure out how long the waiting game will be.  I realize its all in God's hands, but I am beginning to pray for our unknown Birthmother and her decision to choose us to raise her child.  Does anyone have any good prayers for this?  It might be better than my rambling thoughts each night.  :)

Also, the feast of St. Jude Thaddeus is October 28th.  St. Jude is acknowledged to be the patron saint of forgotten causes, impossible causes and lost causes (hello ... infertility and motherhood!!!).  This novena is what I am starting tonight.  I figure the more novenas I pray, the more apt I will be to finish all nine days!  It is usually a struggle. Perhaps I could add an alarm on my phone .... but it might be confusing with my three "wake up" alarms *and* the ones for my medicine twice a day.  There aren't enough "good" ringtones to keep it all straight.  :)

                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Also, the feast of Blessed Pope John Paul II is this Saturday, October 22nd (thanks to Jeremiah 29:11 for the info - it's also her birthday! - how special!).  Here is a prayer for the intercession of this soon-to-be-Saint:

O Blessed Trinity,
We thank you for having graced the Church with Pope John Paul II and for allowing the tenderness of your Fatherly care, the glory of the cross of Christ, and the splendor of the Holy Spirit, to shine through him.

Trusting fully in Your infinite mercy and in the maternal intercession of Mary, he has given us a living image of Jesus the Good Shepherd, and has shown us that holiness is the necessary measure of ordinary Christian life and is the way of achieving eternal communion with you.

Grant us, by his intercession, and according to Your will, the graces we implore, hoping that he will soon be numbered among your saints.  Amen.

                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~