St. Therese of Lisieux

This is an excerpt written by St. Therese of Lisieux in "The Story of a Soul."  It's about the day St. Therese thought would have been her entrance day into the Carmelites.  This was shared by "Mari" on the Yahoo Catholic IF site, and after I read it this morning, I was so moved that I just had to share it with you (emphasis mine).


"My heart was broken when going to Midnight mass; I was counting so much on assisting at it behind Carmel's grilles!  This trial was very great for my faith, but the One who watches even when he sleeps made me understand that to those whose faith is like that of a mustard seed He grants miracles and moves mountains in order to strengthen this faith which is still small; but for His intimate friends, for His Mother, He works no miracles before having tried their faith.   Did He not allow Lazarus to die even after Martha and Mary told Him he was sick?  At the wedding of Cana when the Blessed Virgin asked Jesus to come to the help of the head of the house, didn't He answer her that His hour had not yet come? But after the trial, what a reward?  The water was changed into wine & Lazarus was raised from the dead!"  Thus Jesus acted toward His little Therese: after having tried her for a long time, He granted all the desires of her heart.

"If God hasn’t answered your prayer yet, perhaps He is strengthening your heart for something greater.”   - Nick Vujicic (Author of "Life Without Limbs")

Approved to Adopt & St. Jude Novena

Well, its official!  Sue, our adoption worker said that "As soon as you give us your Adoption Learning Partners Course Certificates, you will be ready to adopt." Guess what I just emailed off?!?!?!?!?  :)  The hubby and I buckled down tonight to spend three hours watching videos so we could receive our certificates and email our "proof" off to the correct authority.  Sue's words definitely got these two procrastinators in gear!  Its exciting and a little scary for this milestone to be complete.

Now I'm trying to figure out how long the waiting game will be.  I realize its all in God's hands, but I am beginning to pray for our unknown Birthmother and her decision to choose us to raise her child.  Does anyone have any good prayers for this?  It might be better than my rambling thoughts each night.  :)

Also, the feast of St. Jude Thaddeus is October 28th.  St. Jude is acknowledged to be the patron saint of forgotten causes, impossible causes and lost causes (hello ... infertility and motherhood!!!).  This novena is what I am starting tonight.  I figure the more novenas I pray, the more apt I will be to finish all nine days!  It is usually a struggle. Perhaps I could add an alarm on my phone .... but it might be confusing with my three "wake up" alarms *and* the ones for my medicine twice a day.  There aren't enough "good" ringtones to keep it all straight.  :)

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Also, the feast of Blessed Pope John Paul II is this Saturday, October 22nd (thanks to Jeremiah 29:11 for the info - it's also her birthday! - how special!).  Here is a prayer for the intercession of this soon-to-be-Saint:

O Blessed Trinity,
We thank you for having graced the Church with Pope John Paul II and for allowing the tenderness of your Fatherly care, the glory of the cross of Christ, and the splendor of the Holy Spirit, to shine through him.

Trusting fully in Your infinite mercy and in the maternal intercession of Mary, he has given us a living image of Jesus the Good Shepherd, and has shown us that holiness is the necessary measure of ordinary Christian life and is the way of achieving eternal communion with you.

Grant us, by his intercession, and according to Your will, the graces we implore, hoping that he will soon be numbered among your saints.  Amen.

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Congratulations to G @ Renewing Moments!

Please congratulate G @ Renewing Moments on the birth of her second daughter, Rosie!  I meant to blog about it last week ... but will do it this week instead.
Please keep her in your prayers as she adjusts to being a mom of two!  They just arrived home and she promises to write soon about Rosie's birth ... but in the meantime, check out her blog to catch up on her adoption story!

Inspiration Worth Remembering

Provided by Donna @ What if God Says No   

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"I'm learning more about surrendering to God's will -- which doesn't have to mean "giving up."  

"I'm taking my soul on a journey its never been on before. It's exciting and scary, all at once."  

 - Lavished with Lemons

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Waiting is not an unanswered prayer.   Waiting IS the answer.   For now.

"Lord, please change the way we see waiting.  Help us to see that it is not our enemy, but a part of Your wonderful, divine plan for us.  Teach us to look for its hidden treasures and to conquer our feelings of doubt and impatience.  Help us to look back on our waiting with fond memories as we recall how You led us through this difficult time."

 - Patiently Waiting ... Kinda

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"God knows when something glorious in the future necessitates something difficult in the present. Because He knows the glory will be worth it, God will risk being misunderstood." - Beth Moore

 - Dusty and Amy

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“Because sometimes in the waiting for what we long for, we praise God long when the gift comes at long last. Sometimes God has his people wait long, so our gratitude becomes deeper and wider.”   - Ann Voskamp, The Jesse Tree Journey

It was chosen for me – the waiting.  I choose my response.  I can – without seeing – love my children, bless them, and expect them.  My first act as mother – to release them to God’s timing.  Full of watchful, patient expectation, I trust God and praise Him for the gift I cannot yet see, but believe is coming.   - (in)Courage "Waiting in My Wings"
“But those who wait on the Lord will find new strength. They will fly on wings like eagles.”  Isaiah 40:31 
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What Sew Would Say....
What the present SewPregnant would tell the formerly SewInfertile . . .

Three days before your wedding you heard God's whisper that it would take you awhile to conceive. That is when the cultivating of your soul started to take place, when the Master Gardener stepped in to make you more fruitful, but first he must make you barren.

It will not come without pain or years of waiting. Yes, Sew, I said years, but you will need every single one of them. You will come to the end of yourself many times. Don't lay of the floor to long and sulk because the Master must get to every corner of your barren soul. Yet sit still and watch the Master at work, even if you can't see through the veil of your eye....Trust that He is preparing eternity.

Read the remainder here .... 

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Many, many thanks to the ladies that provided the words that so perfectly say what I cannot.  These ladies' inspirational words get me through the worst of days, so I thought I would share them with you ....

                                                                                   - All in His Perfect Timing

"None of the trials which have come upon you is more than a human being can stand. You can trust that God will not let you be put to the test beyond your strength, but with any trial will also provide a way out by enabling you to put up with it."          1 Corinthians 10:13

St. Gerard Novena

Although I should have started yesterday, I'm going to pray the St. Gerard Magella novena in anticipation of St. Gerard's Feast Day on October 16th.
In addition to my own intentions, I'm adding the intentions of all the lovely ladies whose blogs I read.  You will be in my prayers.

Link to St. Gerard Prayer
Information about St. Gerard
How to Pray a Novena

My Hubby, My Hero!

Thank you everyone for you kind words on my last post.  They mean so very much!
The evening of receiving the Mother-in-Law email, I was still in a funk.  I felt lonely, discouraged and hurt.  I tried to talk to my hubby to see how he was feeling.  It didn't work very well.  He doesn't feel the same way I do.  He doesn't understand why I'm so bitter towards his family.  I'm just trying to protect myself from getting hurt, but I end up lashing out at him, which I end up doing pretty often anymore.  I told him he needed to talk to his mom about not talking about the new baby to me anymore.  He wrote her an email that said:


Mom,
I just want to ask you to please not talk to Amanda a bunch about baby stuff/info.  She is having a very rough time with being infertile and seeing babies everywhere and hearing people talk about babies.
It is not that she is hateful or wishes bad things to happen to others, but she is having a tough time dealing with seeing God give everyone else what she wants so badly and Him making her unable to conceive.  She keeps seeing other people who are getting pregnant and say they aren't even trying, while she is doing everything humanly possible to be fertile.
I just want you to keep her feelings in mind when you send emails and talk to her.  She would probably prefer if there were no baby talk.  I know it is going to happen when all the family is together and she just has to deal with it, but if you are just talking to her or sending emails, please keep this in mind.
We both love you and dad.  We are not mad, I would just appreciate you choosing the right time and place for some conversations.
I hope you are not mad.  Amanda is just very sad/emotional about being infertile. She said she was crying today after reading the email today about the baby appointment tomorrow.  I am just trying to save her from some of those moments by limiting what she reads and hears about.  I know you are happy and we are too, but it brings sad feelings too, as it is a constant reminder of our pain. 
I think it is hard for people who haven't gone through this to fully understand the pain involved.
You can update me on the stuff going on and I can pass it along when I can.
Thank you.
Love,
J
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His mom wrote back to him:
J…I am not upset ... but I was thinking ... I, personally am on the other side of the "life coin" here ... I am an ADOPTED child ... who had to handle alot of stuff growing up ... from alot of people ...

I also might add ... I watched almost everyone I knew ...have their  "real" Mom and Dad ... and I had to deal with that.

So, while I'm not upset ... I would encourage Amanda and you to keep praying for God's will for "your lives" ... and He will bring a child however He wants to bless you.

I have not totally given up on you two having your own ... and perhaps God has not either ... Just don't "you two" give up. 

I LOVE YOU BOTH ... and will NEVER do anything purposfully to hurt either one of you.

              __________________________________________________________________________               

While I appreciate the kindness and thoughtfulness of his mother, being adopted does not compare in any way to being infertile.  Its two different things.  I can certainly empathize about being made fun of about being adopted.  I hurt for my hubby's mom feeling like that.  But it is not the same hurt.

All this being said ... I am EXTREMELY PROUD of my husband for standing up for me and my feelings.  Although I am not 100% cured of crazy infertility emotions, I appreciate beyond words what my hubby did for me.  I am beyond blessed to have him in my life.

The Mother-in-Law Strikes Again

I've been mulling over writing a post in my head about bitterness.  How its engulfed my life.  And envy too.  I feel this way the most towards my sister-in-law, although she doesn't deserve any of it.  I don't know why I feel this way.  No matter what I try ... prayer, holy hour, putting myself in her shoes ... I am usually reminded of what I'm missing out on by another person (insert my mother-in-law and first-time grandma-to-be) just about the time I think that I can deal with my SIL's pregnancy and a new niece or nephew.

Just today, I received this email from my MIL saying:

"TOMORROW is the DAY….we'll all hear whether it's a boy or girl.  Either way, I'll be happy…but …THINK PINK…along with me. :)  LOL

C said their appointment is in the afternoon, I think.    Anyway…. I know WHICHEVER it is…..God will be blessing us AGAIN…real SOON…and THAT makes me happy TOO :)  "

Yes, its not the most damning statement, and certainly no reason for spite, but it is the reason I feel hurt and have tears streaming down my cheeks this afternoon. Its the fact that the knowledge is put out there without my request to see it.  It is intertwined in a casual email so I would never suspect a thing.  Like a car wreck, I cannot look away and stop reading.

Yes, my MIL is happy that "God will be blessing us again soon" with a potential adoption (sometime in the next few years ... who knows), but the fact that I wanted to have a baby when we married five years ago doesn't help me think rationally.  Doesn't she remember how excited we were to be parents from the beginning?  Can I ask her (or have my hubby tell his mother) that I don't wish for any grandbaby updates?  My MIL can pass things along through him.

I used to get "copied" on any emails sent to my hubby from his family b/c he usually forgot to tell me that his parents were coming down or that we had a family event to attend.  I nipped that in the bud last week when the following phrase was added at the end of the email from you-know-who:  

"NEXT SUMMER….we'll ALL HAVE TO GO SWIMMING with the NEW BABY :)     NOW…THAT will be FUN  :)         SPLASHIE….SPLASHIE…..   I'm PRACTICING UP!  LOL  

LOVE TO ALL …   MOM  (grandma to be)   :)  "

The baby talk is inserted into EVERY CONVERSATION!!!!!  Even those IRL.  Can't I just escape from this and come back when the baby is 6 months old?  For some reason, I do well with older babies/toddlers.  Its easier to forget that someone was pregnant / just born.  I'd like to think that if I was a mom, it would be easier to cope.  Hopefully it will be, because I need to find a way to deal with this before my BIL & SIL surprise us again with baby #2.

Almost the End

We are getting to the end of our Home Study for our Adoption.  We made our Adoption Photo Books, finalized our letters and turned them in to Sue, our case worker.  Now, we are at the super fun process of watching videos online (we each have 4 to watch) about Adoption.  Some of the videos are good ... some are bad.  BTW, we paid $188 for this privilege ... (sigh) ... The hoops we jump through.  I am learning a few things, though, so its not a total waste of money.

I'm not sure what's our next step in the Adoption process.  Sue says that we owe her some more money (of course!) and I think we have all our paperwork turned in.  Somehow, she manages to add one more document out of the blue that we need to get.  Since the time we contacted her (mid-July), there haven't been any babies available for adoption.  This is both scary and good.  At least we didn't miss any opportunities to be matched, but its scary, because what if we picked the wrong agency (this is a small agency in a town of about 50,000).  What if we're throwing money away on this or wasting a year when we could have just taken a loan out and headed to another larger agency with "guaranteed" results?  I wish I could KNOW that we're heading down the right path.

Any advice on waiting or knowing you're at the right place?  How long do you stay with an agency without any results?  I know I'm getting ahead of myself, but I don't want to mess this up!

Prayer Buddy Reveal

I had the honor and privilege of praying for Snarky at Snarky's Op-Ed.  I enjoyed getting to "know" her as I hadn't read her blog before.  It was great to read about her life, her First Wedding Anniversary and her Blog-aversary.  But most of all, it was great to read about (and pray for) Snarky's new job!  :)

I invite you all to click on over and read her fabulous blog!

I'm Confused

Its been awhile since I've thought I had a double peak.  But this month, it seems that I am having one.

Day 10 - 6CK x2
Day 11 - 10CKL x1 (1-1/2" stretch)
Day 12 - 4AD
Day 13 - 10KL x1 (1-1/4" stretch) ... Peak Day
Day 14 - 4AD
Day 15 - 4AD
Day 16 - 6PC AD

The last four months I have peaked on Day 13, Day 10, Day 12 & Day 12, respectively.  I thought nothing of it.  I took my Ammoxicillan & Mucinex 3x per day as directed.  I stopped 2 days after my Peak on Day 15.

Imagine my surprise when on Day 17, my P+4, when I'm supposed to get a IM Progesterone shot, I see a 10KL (1" stretch)!  I thought it was a fluke.  I wanted to disregard it.  My hubby and I had quite a discussion on how to treat it ... as a fluke -OR- we actually pay attention and count it as a fertile sign.  I'm not much for shots, so it was easy to convince me that YES!  It was a fertile sign.

Imagine my surprise again, when today (Day 18) I also saw a 10CKL (1-1/2" stretch).  I guess my body is being totally weird this month!  I'm not any mucus enhancing drugs at all either (I typically MUST be on them to see ANYTHING!).  The only (gross) thing about all this is ... even during my fertile time this month ... I only see the mucus after a bowel movement.  I must be an alien life form.

My question ... AM I right?  Do I consider this a "double-peak" and start my shots in 4 days and do my P+7 bloodwork in 7 days?

Just when I thought my cycles were getting to be somewhat "normal" .....  they're not!

Learning How to be Patient ...

Our photo book and "Dear Birthmother" letters are complete!!!  Ok, maybe they could be proofread again, but I really feel a sense of accomplishment on just having them 99% done.  We made the "big push" to get them done late last night because Sue, our adoption case worker, was coming to our house this afternoon to review our homestudy and we wanted to show them to her for her opinion.  I just found out over the noon hour that she won't be able to make it today, she has pneumonia.  That's a little serious!  We re-scheduled until next Monday afternoon.  Hmmm.  One more chance to learn the art of patience.

Sue had mailed us a copy of the homestudy paperwork she's written up so we could review it and correct any errors.  In reading over our homestudy paperwork, lets just say that she had a LOT of errors!  I guess I'm a little surprised at how many times we were asked questions about our family/schooling/whatever on two separate occasions and she still has that info incorrect.  I know she wrote it down both times.  I'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt, though too.  I know she has alot going on at her job, however, accuracy is sure important!  We have lots of crossing out and arrows.  :)  Hopefully this has happened to several of you regarding paperwork inaccuracies?   Sue is the greatest lady, but I'm starting to wonder ....

The one thing I did enjoy reading was the snippets of nice things our references said about our abilities to be parents.  The final paragraph of the paperwork was Sue's own recommendation that she sees us as great parents-to-be.  When I first read that, I cried.  Its like we're finally getting somewhere.  Someone recognizes our potential as parents.

In other news, at my Endocrinologist appointment, I found out that my T4 (and something else, I forgot) was low, so this gal is now taking Synthroid at 50 mcg.  So much for not taking any thyroid meds!  I was in hopes that my right half of the thyroid would supplement for my missing left half, but that's just how my body seems to be ... breaking down.  I'm not looking forward to getting older and MORE medical problems.  :)

I Survived Last Weekend!

Of course, you all knew I would survive.  :)

It was a long night at the K-State game on Saturday, which was L.O.N.G. and boring until the last 3 minutes of the game.  I swear there were a full three quarters where the score was 0 to 0.  It was painful to watch ... both teams need more practice.  My pregnant SIL, her hubby and I ended up sitting by each other in a row ... me next to her.  Even after I begged and pleaded with my DH to please *NOT* have me sit by them, he leaves for a drink and they come down to sit in the seats beside me, so my DH has to sit in the seats a few rows up where they were.  We made small talk.  Our seats were pretty high up in the stadium and when I thought about the gift my SIL & BIL were given (it was in the front of my mind all the time), I teared up ... BUT I thought about all the generous ladies who were praying for me and I felt better.  I wasn't alone that day.  I'm not alone with my feelings.  I'm not alone in my journey.  Your prayers helped SO much!  Thank you!!!

We had a quick trip the next morning to CO for my cousin's wedding ... 7 hours in a car on Sunday AM with the wedding that night & then we turned around and left the next day about 11 am and drove back 7 hours.  I don't think I want to do that again for a long time.  It was a beautiful wedding!  My cousin's dress was gorgeous, the decorations were super cute and the reception site and dinner were fabulous!  All this within view of the mountains.

I took the next day (Tuesday) off and did practically nothing.  :)  Well, I did end up finishing my adoption picture book & am now 2.5 pages into my Dear Birthmother letter (my husband is only one paragraph in, oh dear!).  I think that I can finish the rest up this weekend ... that is my goal.  We have a meeting with our Adoption Case Worker on Tuesday afternoon to review our homestudy, so I thought I'd go over our letters and photo book and she can let us know what to change.  I also might google Dear Birthmother letter examples thanks to a post from GIMH.  I'd never thought of that.  :)  Like GIMH says, I just need help knowing what to say & putting it into words.  Some people write things out so eloquently.

My BIL in the National Guard has been stationed in our city for the last three weeks and spending every night with us (he does leave to sleep at the barracks).  Its been hard to be productive around the house as well as exercise, but I enjoy his company.  My sister (his wife) is coming down tonight to spend the weekend with us/him.  I'm looking forward to it.  We'll have alot more time to hang out than last weekend's trip.

I found out a few days ago (from my military BIL) that my sister & him are having trouble conceiving, which I kind of wondered about.  I'd assumed they used birth control (I know, I know ... I'm assuming ... I know how much it irks me when people assume).  They're Catholic, but I'm not sure exactly how much they adhere to everything in the family planning department.  Anyway, they've been married for 4 years as of June 2nd.  He just got back this last June from a year overseas and was deployed about 5-6 years ago for a year as well.  In my conversation with him, he's not sure whether its him (with all the stuff they vaccinate/expose them to in the military) or my sister (we are quite the sterile family, huh?).  I told them that NaPro & PPVI is working for us (although we've yet to get pregnant), but he thinks that he'll get tested and if nothing's wrong, then my sister will get shots that help you get pregnant.  Huh?  I couldn't figure out what that meant.  Clomid?  HCG?  IUI?  He didn't know either.  I wasn't sure what to say to him, as his mind sounded made up.  I do plan to say something before they start any "shots" b/c I would hate to see them jump to anything immoral (like an IUI) and/or get pregnant and lose the baby b/c there's an underlying medical condition they didn't know about.  That's the only silver lining in my infertility journey, I haven't had to experience the pain of a miscarriage.  It would be THE worst thing.

Lastly, prayer buddies have been working overtime!  There have been several great pregnancy announcements lately:  Perfect Power in Weakness, Rise & Shine & Give God the Glory, and Matching Moonheads.  Hopefully there are more to come!  Congratulations, ladies!!!