Husbands & Vitamins ... not a good combo!

I am SO MAD at my husband.  ARGH!
It all started tonight when it was time to take my daily meds: my thyroid meds, T3, several pills to enhance my CM, my multivitamin and my Omega3 pills ... quite the handful!  I split my stash into three gulps, because some of them are huge and I have a fear of myself choking on one that gets lodged in my throat.  After half a glass of liquid, I get them down.
My hubby has two day-of-the-week cases ... one by the computer (for the morning)  & one by the couch in the living room  (for the evening) that I pre-sort for him ... how convenient for him!  I only have him taking three pills, twice a day ... one for a multi-vitamin, a Vitamin C and Ferti.lAid.  That's it.
I ask him if he would like to take his evening pills too.  They are right next to him on the coffee table.  All he's got to do is reach over and pop the cover off the pre-sorted pill box, pop them in his mouth and wash them down with water, which is (conveniently) sitting on the same coffee table.  He moans and groans about taking them.  "They make me burp and I can taste them all evening," he says.  WAHHHHH!
Does he know what I do to try and be healthy to conceive a baby?  I take handfuls of pills twice a day at specific intervals, chart my CM all the time at each bathroom visit, get wanded twice a month (hello, super fun - not!), get progesterone shots five days a month and have to keep up with all the doctors, meds and tests ... and he is upset because all he has to do is take some stupid pills twice a day ... which he NEVER does anyway?  Did I mention that I've had three surgeries to try and fix my broken self?
It is just so frustrating and I know I'm angry and shouldn't be posting this, but I just need to vent.  Its bad enough that I AM the broken one and its up to me to fix everything.  HE's fine, his little guys are just great, so he doesn't need to take vitamins.  He's Mr. Perfect.  I'm Ms. Broken.  Little does he know how hurt I am that he can't contribute in this small way to the possible conception of a child.  I'm doing everything in MY power and he's got not a care in the world.
Its nothing to stay mad over ... so I'm not going to be ... but do any of your husbands give you grief over this kind of trivial stuff?

I am a Liebster Blog Award Winner!

Jess @ When the Music Fades has generously awarded me with the Liebster Blog Award!  Thanks so much, Jess!!!  You're so sweet!!!

The Liebster Award spotlights up and coming bloggers who generally have less than 200 followers. 


My Liebster Blog Award Winners are:
1.  C @ Patiently Waiting .... Kinda
2.  G @ Renewing Moments
3.  E @ A Martha trying to be Mary
4.  M @ Finally Parents
5.  I Must Have Prayed for Patience


Upon receipt of the Liebster Blog Award, there are a few very simple rules: 
1. Copy and paste the award on your blog
2. Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you
3. Reveal your top 5 picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.
4. Hope that your followers will spread the love to other bloggers.

No News Yet

Just wanted to let you all know that there is no news yet.  We don't know anything one way or the other.  I'm not sure whether or not to call Sue and ask her how long the process takes in which the birth parents decide who they select.  I guess as an adoption "novice," I could.  I would imagine that she'll let us know even if we don't get picked.  How long does the "selection" process by the birth parents take?

I had a thought on Monday night that perhaps this is God's way of getting me through Thanksgiving with my pregnant sister-in-law, "L".  I have the possibility of being a mother ... until I hear otherwise.  I can pretend that the birth parents are picking us.  I am hoping it will lessen the pain and jealousy I might feel when seeing "L's" pregnant self over the holiday weekend.

Please Pray with Us!

I haven't posted too much in the last week or so, but I've been reading everyone's posts.  Lunch is my favorite part of the day ... I eat and read blogs.  :-)

Not much has been happening in our lives.  I was bitten by the "I'm getting fat" bug, so I've been trying to move around more and eat less, without actually doing exercising moves.  I mowed the lawn and cut down all the dead flowers for the winter ... so that was a productive Saturday.  Then yesterday, the hubby and I cleaned our cars out and did errands for the week, as well as two little fix-it projects around the house.  I'm trying to do a little thing each day and hope it makes a difference.  Plus, I need to get motivated to actually get to the gym.  At my last cycle review on Friday, Dr. Keefe increased my thyroid med dosage, so I hope that gets me more in gear than I've been.  Most nights, I crash on the couch by 8:30 pm b/c I'm pooped!

And in other EXCITING NEWS ... I just got the first call only ten minutes ago from our case worker, Sue, that they will be showing our profile book / letter to one set of birthparents.  Now, I know this does not mean anything serious, as adoption situations fall through all the time or other couples are picked instead ... but to me, it is EXCITING as I am realizing that my dream of being a mother MAY ACTUALLY BE POSSIBLE and not just something out of my grasp.  I am not telling my family yet, as who knows what will happen ... so you all get to be the first to know (after my hubby, of course)!!!  I would like to ask for your prayers to join with ours ... with the specific intention for the birth family that they pick the right family, whether that is us or not.

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart; and lean not upon your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct your path.”  Proverbs 3:5-6 

St. Therese of Lisieux

This is an excerpt written by St. Therese of Lisieux in "The Story of a Soul."  It's about the day St. Therese thought would have been her entrance day into the Carmelites.  This was shared by "Mari" on the Yahoo Catholic IF site, and after I read it this morning, I was so moved that I just had to share it with you (emphasis mine).


"My heart was broken when going to Midnight mass; I was counting so much on assisting at it behind Carmel's grilles!  This trial was very great for my faith, but the One who watches even when he sleeps made me understand that to those whose faith is like that of a mustard seed He grants miracles and moves mountains in order to strengthen this faith which is still small; but for His intimate friends, for His Mother, He works no miracles before having tried their faith.   Did He not allow Lazarus to die even after Martha and Mary told Him he was sick?  At the wedding of Cana when the Blessed Virgin asked Jesus to come to the help of the head of the house, didn't He answer her that His hour had not yet come? But after the trial, what a reward?  The water was changed into wine & Lazarus was raised from the dead!"  Thus Jesus acted toward His little Therese: after having tried her for a long time, He granted all the desires of her heart.

"If God hasn’t answered your prayer yet, perhaps He is strengthening your heart for something greater.”   - Nick Vujicic (Author of "Life Without Limbs")

Approved to Adopt & St. Jude Novena

Well, its official!  Sue, our adoption worker said that "As soon as you give us your Adoption Learning Partners Course Certificates, you will be ready to adopt." Guess what I just emailed off?!?!?!?!?  :)  The hubby and I buckled down tonight to spend three hours watching videos so we could receive our certificates and email our "proof" off to the correct authority.  Sue's words definitely got these two procrastinators in gear!  Its exciting and a little scary for this milestone to be complete.

Now I'm trying to figure out how long the waiting game will be.  I realize its all in God's hands, but I am beginning to pray for our unknown Birthmother and her decision to choose us to raise her child.  Does anyone have any good prayers for this?  It might be better than my rambling thoughts each night.  :)

Also, the feast of St. Jude Thaddeus is October 28th.  St. Jude is acknowledged to be the patron saint of forgotten causes, impossible causes and lost causes (hello ... infertility and motherhood!!!).  This novena is what I am starting tonight.  I figure the more novenas I pray, the more apt I will be to finish all nine days!  It is usually a struggle. Perhaps I could add an alarm on my phone .... but it might be confusing with my three "wake up" alarms *and* the ones for my medicine twice a day.  There aren't enough "good" ringtones to keep it all straight.  :)

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Also, the feast of Blessed Pope John Paul II is this Saturday, October 22nd (thanks to Jeremiah 29:11 for the info - it's also her birthday! - how special!).  Here is a prayer for the intercession of this soon-to-be-Saint:

O Blessed Trinity,
We thank you for having graced the Church with Pope John Paul II and for allowing the tenderness of your Fatherly care, the glory of the cross of Christ, and the splendor of the Holy Spirit, to shine through him.

Trusting fully in Your infinite mercy and in the maternal intercession of Mary, he has given us a living image of Jesus the Good Shepherd, and has shown us that holiness is the necessary measure of ordinary Christian life and is the way of achieving eternal communion with you.

Grant us, by his intercession, and according to Your will, the graces we implore, hoping that he will soon be numbered among your saints.  Amen.

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Congratulations to G @ Renewing Moments!

Please congratulate G @ Renewing Moments on the birth of her second daughter, Rosie!  I meant to blog about it last week ... but will do it this week instead.
Please keep her in your prayers as she adjusts to being a mom of two!  They just arrived home and she promises to write soon about Rosie's birth ... but in the meantime, check out her blog to catch up on her adoption story!

Inspiration Worth Remembering

Provided by Donna @ What if God Says No   

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"I'm learning more about surrendering to God's will -- which doesn't have to mean "giving up."  

"I'm taking my soul on a journey its never been on before. It's exciting and scary, all at once."  

 - Lavished with Lemons

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Waiting is not an unanswered prayer.   Waiting IS the answer.   For now.

"Lord, please change the way we see waiting.  Help us to see that it is not our enemy, but a part of Your wonderful, divine plan for us.  Teach us to look for its hidden treasures and to conquer our feelings of doubt and impatience.  Help us to look back on our waiting with fond memories as we recall how You led us through this difficult time."

 - Patiently Waiting ... Kinda

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"God knows when something glorious in the future necessitates something difficult in the present. Because He knows the glory will be worth it, God will risk being misunderstood." - Beth Moore

 - Dusty and Amy

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“Because sometimes in the waiting for what we long for, we praise God long when the gift comes at long last. Sometimes God has his people wait long, so our gratitude becomes deeper and wider.”   - Ann Voskamp, The Jesse Tree Journey

It was chosen for me – the waiting.  I choose my response.  I can – without seeing – love my children, bless them, and expect them.  My first act as mother – to release them to God’s timing.  Full of watchful, patient expectation, I trust God and praise Him for the gift I cannot yet see, but believe is coming.   - (in)Courage "Waiting in My Wings"
“But those who wait on the Lord will find new strength. They will fly on wings like eagles.”  Isaiah 40:31 
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What Sew Would Say....
What the present SewPregnant would tell the formerly SewInfertile . . .

Three days before your wedding you heard God's whisper that it would take you awhile to conceive. That is when the cultivating of your soul started to take place, when the Master Gardener stepped in to make you more fruitful, but first he must make you barren.

It will not come without pain or years of waiting. Yes, Sew, I said years, but you will need every single one of them. You will come to the end of yourself many times. Don't lay of the floor to long and sulk because the Master must get to every corner of your barren soul. Yet sit still and watch the Master at work, even if you can't see through the veil of your eye....Trust that He is preparing eternity.

Read the remainder here .... 

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Many, many thanks to the ladies that provided the words that so perfectly say what I cannot.  These ladies' inspirational words get me through the worst of days, so I thought I would share them with you ....

                                                                                   - All in His Perfect Timing

"None of the trials which have come upon you is more than a human being can stand. You can trust that God will not let you be put to the test beyond your strength, but with any trial will also provide a way out by enabling you to put up with it."          1 Corinthians 10:13

St. Gerard Novena

Although I should have started yesterday, I'm going to pray the St. Gerard Magella novena in anticipation of St. Gerard's Feast Day on October 16th.
In addition to my own intentions, I'm adding the intentions of all the lovely ladies whose blogs I read.  You will be in my prayers.

Link to St. Gerard Prayer
Information about St. Gerard
How to Pray a Novena

My Hubby, My Hero!

Thank you everyone for you kind words on my last post.  They mean so very much!
The evening of receiving the Mother-in-Law email, I was still in a funk.  I felt lonely, discouraged and hurt.  I tried to talk to my hubby to see how he was feeling.  It didn't work very well.  He doesn't feel the same way I do.  He doesn't understand why I'm so bitter towards his family.  I'm just trying to protect myself from getting hurt, but I end up lashing out at him, which I end up doing pretty often anymore.  I told him he needed to talk to his mom about not talking about the new baby to me anymore.  He wrote her an email that said:


Mom,
I just want to ask you to please not talk to Amanda a bunch about baby stuff/info.  She is having a very rough time with being infertile and seeing babies everywhere and hearing people talk about babies.
It is not that she is hateful or wishes bad things to happen to others, but she is having a tough time dealing with seeing God give everyone else what she wants so badly and Him making her unable to conceive.  She keeps seeing other people who are getting pregnant and say they aren't even trying, while she is doing everything humanly possible to be fertile.
I just want you to keep her feelings in mind when you send emails and talk to her.  She would probably prefer if there were no baby talk.  I know it is going to happen when all the family is together and she just has to deal with it, but if you are just talking to her or sending emails, please keep this in mind.
We both love you and dad.  We are not mad, I would just appreciate you choosing the right time and place for some conversations.
I hope you are not mad.  Amanda is just very sad/emotional about being infertile. She said she was crying today after reading the email today about the baby appointment tomorrow.  I am just trying to save her from some of those moments by limiting what she reads and hears about.  I know you are happy and we are too, but it brings sad feelings too, as it is a constant reminder of our pain. 
I think it is hard for people who haven't gone through this to fully understand the pain involved.
You can update me on the stuff going on and I can pass it along when I can.
Thank you.
Love,
J
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His mom wrote back to him:
J…I am not upset ... but I was thinking ... I, personally am on the other side of the "life coin" here ... I am an ADOPTED child ... who had to handle alot of stuff growing up ... from alot of people ...

I also might add ... I watched almost everyone I knew ...have their  "real" Mom and Dad ... and I had to deal with that.

So, while I'm not upset ... I would encourage Amanda and you to keep praying for God's will for "your lives" ... and He will bring a child however He wants to bless you.

I have not totally given up on you two having your own ... and perhaps God has not either ... Just don't "you two" give up. 

I LOVE YOU BOTH ... and will NEVER do anything purposfully to hurt either one of you.

              __________________________________________________________________________               

While I appreciate the kindness and thoughtfulness of his mother, being adopted does not compare in any way to being infertile.  Its two different things.  I can certainly empathize about being made fun of about being adopted.  I hurt for my hubby's mom feeling like that.  But it is not the same hurt.

All this being said ... I am EXTREMELY PROUD of my husband for standing up for me and my feelings.  Although I am not 100% cured of crazy infertility emotions, I appreciate beyond words what my hubby did for me.  I am beyond blessed to have him in my life.

The Mother-in-Law Strikes Again

I've been mulling over writing a post in my head about bitterness.  How its engulfed my life.  And envy too.  I feel this way the most towards my sister-in-law, although she doesn't deserve any of it.  I don't know why I feel this way.  No matter what I try ... prayer, holy hour, putting myself in her shoes ... I am usually reminded of what I'm missing out on by another person (insert my mother-in-law and first-time grandma-to-be) just about the time I think that I can deal with my SIL's pregnancy and a new niece or nephew.

Just today, I received this email from my MIL saying:

"TOMORROW is the DAY….we'll all hear whether it's a boy or girl.  Either way, I'll be happy…but …THINK PINK…along with me. :)  LOL

C said their appointment is in the afternoon, I think.    Anyway…. I know WHICHEVER it is…..God will be blessing us AGAIN…real SOON…and THAT makes me happy TOO :)  "

Yes, its not the most damning statement, and certainly no reason for spite, but it is the reason I feel hurt and have tears streaming down my cheeks this afternoon. Its the fact that the knowledge is put out there without my request to see it.  It is intertwined in a casual email so I would never suspect a thing.  Like a car wreck, I cannot look away and stop reading.

Yes, my MIL is happy that "God will be blessing us again soon" with a potential adoption (sometime in the next few years ... who knows), but the fact that I wanted to have a baby when we married five years ago doesn't help me think rationally.  Doesn't she remember how excited we were to be parents from the beginning?  Can I ask her (or have my hubby tell his mother) that I don't wish for any grandbaby updates?  My MIL can pass things along through him.

I used to get "copied" on any emails sent to my hubby from his family b/c he usually forgot to tell me that his parents were coming down or that we had a family event to attend.  I nipped that in the bud last week when the following phrase was added at the end of the email from you-know-who:  

"NEXT SUMMER….we'll ALL HAVE TO GO SWIMMING with the NEW BABY :)     NOW…THAT will be FUN  :)         SPLASHIE….SPLASHIE…..   I'm PRACTICING UP!  LOL  

LOVE TO ALL …   MOM  (grandma to be)   :)  "

The baby talk is inserted into EVERY CONVERSATION!!!!!  Even those IRL.  Can't I just escape from this and come back when the baby is 6 months old?  For some reason, I do well with older babies/toddlers.  Its easier to forget that someone was pregnant / just born.  I'd like to think that if I was a mom, it would be easier to cope.  Hopefully it will be, because I need to find a way to deal with this before my BIL & SIL surprise us again with baby #2.

Almost the End

We are getting to the end of our Home Study for our Adoption.  We made our Adoption Photo Books, finalized our letters and turned them in to Sue, our case worker.  Now, we are at the super fun process of watching videos online (we each have 4 to watch) about Adoption.  Some of the videos are good ... some are bad.  BTW, we paid $188 for this privilege ... (sigh) ... The hoops we jump through.  I am learning a few things, though, so its not a total waste of money.

I'm not sure what's our next step in the Adoption process.  Sue says that we owe her some more money (of course!) and I think we have all our paperwork turned in.  Somehow, she manages to add one more document out of the blue that we need to get.  Since the time we contacted her (mid-July), there haven't been any babies available for adoption.  This is both scary and good.  At least we didn't miss any opportunities to be matched, but its scary, because what if we picked the wrong agency (this is a small agency in a town of about 50,000).  What if we're throwing money away on this or wasting a year when we could have just taken a loan out and headed to another larger agency with "guaranteed" results?  I wish I could KNOW that we're heading down the right path.

Any advice on waiting or knowing you're at the right place?  How long do you stay with an agency without any results?  I know I'm getting ahead of myself, but I don't want to mess this up!