Although I should have started yesterday, I'm going to pray the St. Gerard Magella novena in anticipation of St. Gerard's Feast Day on October 16th.
In addition to my own intentions, I'm adding the intentions of all the lovely ladies whose blogs I read. You will be in my prayers.
Link to St. Gerard Prayer
Information about St. Gerard
How to Pray a Novena
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Saturday, October 8, 2011
My Hubby, My Hero!
Thank you everyone for you kind words on my last post. They mean so very much!
The evening of receiving the Mother-in-Law email, I was still in a funk. I felt lonely, discouraged and hurt. I tried to talk to my hubby to see how he was feeling. It didn't work very well. He doesn't feel the same way I do. He doesn't understand why I'm so bitter towards his family. I'm just trying to protect myself from getting hurt, but I end up lashing out at him, which I end up doing pretty often anymore. I told him he needed to talk to his mom about not talking about the new baby to me anymore. He wrote her an email that said:
Mom,
I just want to ask you to please not talk to Amanda a bunch about baby stuff/info. She is having a very rough time with being infertile and seeing babies everywhere and hearing people talk about babies.
It is not that she is hateful or wishes bad things to happen to others, but she is having a tough time dealing with seeing God give everyone else what she wants so badly and Him making her unable to conceive. She keeps seeing other people who are getting pregnant and say they aren't even trying, while she is doing everything humanly possible to be fertile.
I just want you to keep her feelings in mind when you send emails and talk to her. She would probably prefer if there were no baby talk. I know it is going to happen when all the family is together and she just has to deal with it, but if you are just talking to her or sending emails, please keep this in mind.
We both love you and dad. We are not mad, I would just appreciate you choosing the right time and place for some conversations.
I hope you are not mad. Amanda is just very sad/emotional about being infertile. She said she was crying today after reading the email today about the baby appointment tomorrow. I am just trying to save her from some of those moments by limiting what she reads and hears about. I know you are happy and we are too, but it brings sad feelings too, as it is a constant reminder of our pain.
I think it is hard for people who haven't gone through this to fully understand the pain involved.
You can update me on the stuff going on and I can pass it along when I can.
Thank you.
Love,
J
__________________________________________________________________________
His mom wrote back to him:
J…I am not upset ... but I was thinking ... I, personally am on the other side of the "life coin" here ... I am an ADOPTED child ... who had to handle alot of stuff growing up ... from alot of people ...
The evening of receiving the Mother-in-Law email, I was still in a funk. I felt lonely, discouraged and hurt. I tried to talk to my hubby to see how he was feeling. It didn't work very well. He doesn't feel the same way I do. He doesn't understand why I'm so bitter towards his family. I'm just trying to protect myself from getting hurt, but I end up lashing out at him, which I end up doing pretty often anymore. I told him he needed to talk to his mom about not talking about the new baby to me anymore. He wrote her an email that said:
Mom,
I just want to ask you to please not talk to Amanda a bunch about baby stuff/info. She is having a very rough time with being infertile and seeing babies everywhere and hearing people talk about babies.
It is not that she is hateful or wishes bad things to happen to others, but she is having a tough time dealing with seeing God give everyone else what she wants so badly and Him making her unable to conceive. She keeps seeing other people who are getting pregnant and say they aren't even trying, while she is doing everything humanly possible to be fertile.
I just want you to keep her feelings in mind when you send emails and talk to her. She would probably prefer if there were no baby talk. I know it is going to happen when all the family is together and she just has to deal with it, but if you are just talking to her or sending emails, please keep this in mind.
We both love you and dad. We are not mad, I would just appreciate you choosing the right time and place for some conversations.
I hope you are not mad. Amanda is just very sad/emotional about being infertile. She said she was crying today after reading the email today about the baby appointment tomorrow. I am just trying to save her from some of those moments by limiting what she reads and hears about. I know you are happy and we are too, but it brings sad feelings too, as it is a constant reminder of our pain.
I think it is hard for people who haven't gone through this to fully understand the pain involved.
You can update me on the stuff going on and I can pass it along when I can.
Thank you.
Love,
J
__________________________________________________________________________
His mom wrote back to him:
J…I am not upset ... but I was thinking ... I, personally am on the other side of the "life coin" here ... I am an ADOPTED child ... who had to handle alot of stuff growing up ... from alot of people ...
I also might add ... I watched almost everyone I knew ...have their "real" Mom and Dad ... and I had to deal with that.
So, while I'm not upset ... I would encourage Amanda and you to keep praying for God's will for "your lives" ... and He will bring a child however He wants to bless you.
I have not totally given up on you two having your own ... and perhaps God has not either ... Just don't "you two" give up.
I LOVE YOU BOTH ... and will NEVER do anything purposfully to hurt either one of you.
__________________________________________________________________________
While I appreciate the kindness and thoughtfulness of his mother, being adopted does not compare in any way to being infertile. Its two different things. I can certainly empathize about being made fun of about being adopted. I hurt for my hubby's mom feeling like that. But it is not the same hurt.
All this being said ... I am EXTREMELY PROUD of my husband for standing up for me and my feelings. Although I am not 100% cured of crazy infertility emotions, I appreciate beyond words what my hubby did for me. I am beyond blessed to have him in my life.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
The Mother-in-Law Strikes Again
I've been mulling over writing a post in my head about bitterness. How its engulfed my life. And envy too. I feel this way the most towards my sister-in-law, although she doesn't deserve any of it. I don't know why I feel this way. No matter what I try ... prayer, holy hour, putting myself in her shoes ... I am usually reminded of what I'm missing out on by another person (insert my mother-in-law and first-time grandma-to-be) just about the time I think that I can deal with my SIL's pregnancy and a new niece or nephew.
Just today, I received this email from my MIL saying:
Just today, I received this email from my MIL saying:
"TOMORROW is the DAY….we'll all hear whether it's a boy or girl. Either
way, I'll be happy…but …THINK PINK…along with me. :) LOL
C said their appointment is in the afternoon, I think. Anyway…. I
know WHICHEVER it is…..God will be blessing us AGAIN…real SOON…and THAT makes me
happy TOO :) "
Yes, its not the most damning statement, and certainly no reason for spite, but it is the reason I feel hurt and have tears streaming down my cheeks this afternoon. Its the fact that the knowledge is put out there without my request to see it. It is intertwined in a casual email so I would never suspect a thing. Like a car wreck, I cannot look away and stop reading.
Yes, my MIL is happy that "God will be blessing us again soon" with a potential adoption (sometime in the next few years ... who knows), but the fact that I wanted to have a baby when we married five years ago doesn't help me think rationally. Doesn't she remember how excited we were to be parents from the beginning? Can I ask her (or have my hubby tell his mother) that I don't wish for any grandbaby updates? My MIL can pass things along through him.
I used to get "copied" on any emails sent to my hubby from his family b/c he usually forgot to tell me that his parents were coming down or that we had a family event to attend. I nipped that in the bud last week when the following phrase was added at the end of the email from you-know-who:
"NEXT SUMMER….we'll ALL HAVE TO GO SWIMMING
with the NEW BABY :) NOW…THAT will be FUN :) SPLASHIE….SPLASHIE…..
I'm PRACTICING UP! LOL
LOVE TO ALL … MOM (grandma to be) :) "
The baby talk is inserted into EVERY CONVERSATION!!!!! Even those IRL. Can't I just escape from this and come back when the baby is 6 months old? For some reason, I do well with older babies/toddlers. Its easier to forget that someone was pregnant / just born. I'd like to think that if I was a mom, it would be easier to cope. Hopefully it will be, because I need to find a way to deal with this before my BIL & SIL surprise us again with baby #2.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Almost the End
We are getting to the end of our Home Study for our Adoption. We made our Adoption Photo Books, finalized our letters and turned them in to Sue, our case worker. Now, we are at the super fun process of watching videos online (we each have 4 to watch) about Adoption. Some of the videos are good ... some are bad. BTW, we paid $188 for this privilege ... (sigh) ... The hoops we jump through. I am learning a few things, though, so its not a total waste of money.
I'm not sure what's our next step in the Adoption process. Sue says that we owe her some more money (of course!) and I think we have all our paperwork turned in. Somehow, she manages to add one more document out of the blue that we need to get. Since the time we contacted her (mid-July), there haven't been any babies available for adoption. This is both scary and good. At least we didn't miss any opportunities to be matched, but its scary, because what if we picked the wrong agency (this is a small agency in a town of about 50,000). What if we're throwing money away on this or wasting a year when we could have just taken a loan out and headed to another larger agency with "guaranteed" results? I wish I could KNOW that we're heading down the right path.
Any advice on waiting or knowing you're at the right place? How long do you stay with an agency without any results? I know I'm getting ahead of myself, but I don't want to mess this up!
I'm not sure what's our next step in the Adoption process. Sue says that we owe her some more money (of course!) and I think we have all our paperwork turned in. Somehow, she manages to add one more document out of the blue that we need to get. Since the time we contacted her (mid-July), there haven't been any babies available for adoption. This is both scary and good. At least we didn't miss any opportunities to be matched, but its scary, because what if we picked the wrong agency (this is a small agency in a town of about 50,000). What if we're throwing money away on this or wasting a year when we could have just taken a loan out and headed to another larger agency with "guaranteed" results? I wish I could KNOW that we're heading down the right path.
Any advice on waiting or knowing you're at the right place? How long do you stay with an agency without any results? I know I'm getting ahead of myself, but I don't want to mess this up!
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Prayer Buddy Reveal
I had the honor and privilege of praying for Snarky at Snarky's Op-Ed. I enjoyed getting to "know" her as I hadn't read her blog before. It was great to read about her life, her First Wedding Anniversary and her Blog-aversary. But most of all, it was great to read about (and pray for) Snarky's new job! :)
I invite you all to click on over and read her fabulous blog!
I invite you all to click on over and read her fabulous blog!
Saturday, September 24, 2011
I'm Confused
Its been awhile since I've thought I had a double peak. But this month, it seems that I am having one.
Day 10 - 6CK x2
Day 11 - 10CKL x1 (1-1/2" stretch)
Day 12 - 4AD
Day 13 - 10KL x1 (1-1/4" stretch) ... Peak Day
Day 14 - 4AD
Day 15 - 4AD
Day 16 - 6PC AD
The last four months I have peaked on Day 13, Day 10, Day 12 & Day 12, respectively. I thought nothing of it. I took my Ammoxicillan & Mucinex 3x per day as directed. I stopped 2 days after my Peak on Day 15.
Imagine my surprise when on Day 17, my P+4, when I'm supposed to get a IM Progesterone shot, I see a 10KL (1" stretch)! I thought it was a fluke. I wanted to disregard it. My hubby and I had quite a discussion on how to treat it ... as a fluke -OR- we actually pay attention and count it as a fertile sign. I'm not much for shots, so it was easy to convince me that YES! It was a fertile sign.
Imagine my surprise again, when today (Day 18) I also saw a 10CKL (1-1/2" stretch). I guess my body is being totally weird this month! I'm not any mucus enhancing drugs at all either (I typically MUST be on them to see ANYTHING!). The only (gross) thing about all this is ... even during my fertile time this month ... I only see the mucus after a bowel movement. I must be an alien life form.
My question ... AM I right? Do I consider this a "double-peak" and start my shots in 4 days and do my P+7 bloodwork in 7 days?
Just when I thought my cycles were getting to be somewhat "normal" ..... they're not!
Day 10 - 6CK x2
Day 11 - 10CKL x1 (1-1/2" stretch)
Day 12 - 4AD
Day 13 - 10KL x1 (1-1/4" stretch) ... Peak Day
Day 14 - 4AD
Day 15 - 4AD
Day 16 - 6PC AD
The last four months I have peaked on Day 13, Day 10, Day 12 & Day 12, respectively. I thought nothing of it. I took my Ammoxicillan & Mucinex 3x per day as directed. I stopped 2 days after my Peak on Day 15.
Imagine my surprise when on Day 17, my P+4, when I'm supposed to get a IM Progesterone shot, I see a 10KL (1" stretch)! I thought it was a fluke. I wanted to disregard it. My hubby and I had quite a discussion on how to treat it ... as a fluke -OR- we actually pay attention and count it as a fertile sign. I'm not much for shots, so it was easy to convince me that YES! It was a fertile sign.
Imagine my surprise again, when today (Day 18) I also saw a 10CKL (1-1/2" stretch). I guess my body is being totally weird this month! I'm not any mucus enhancing drugs at all either (I typically MUST be on them to see ANYTHING!). The only (gross) thing about all this is ... even during my fertile time this month ... I only see the mucus after a bowel movement. I must be an alien life form.
My question ... AM I right? Do I consider this a "double-peak" and start my shots in 4 days and do my P+7 bloodwork in 7 days?
Just when I thought my cycles were getting to be somewhat "normal" ..... they're not!
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Learning How to be Patient ...
Our photo book and "Dear Birthmother" letters are complete!!! Ok, maybe they could be proofread again, but I really feel a sense of accomplishment on just having them 99% done. We made the "big push" to get them done late last night because Sue, our adoption case worker, was coming to our house this afternoon to review our homestudy and we wanted to show them to her for her opinion. I just found out over the noon hour that she won't be able to make it today, she has pneumonia. That's a little serious! We re-scheduled until next Monday afternoon. Hmmm. One more chance to learn the art of patience.
Sue had mailed us a copy of the homestudy paperwork she's written up so we could review it and correct any errors. In reading over our homestudy paperwork, lets just say that she had a LOT of errors! I guess I'm a little surprised at how many times we were asked questions about our family/schooling/whatever on two separate occasions and she still has that info incorrect. I know she wrote it down both times. I'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt, though too. I know she has alot going on at her job, however, accuracy is sure important! We have lots of crossing out and arrows. :) Hopefully this has happened to several of you regarding paperwork inaccuracies? Sue is the greatest lady, but I'm starting to wonder ....
The one thing I did enjoy reading was the snippets of nice things our references said about our abilities to be parents. The final paragraph of the paperwork was Sue's own recommendation that she sees us as great parents-to-be. When I first read that, I cried. Its like we're finally getting somewhere. Someone recognizes our potential as parents.
In other news, at my Endocrinologist appointment, I found out that my T4 (and something else, I forgot) was low, so this gal is now taking Synthroid at 50 mcg. So much for not taking any thyroid meds! I was in hopes that my right half of the thyroid would supplement for my missing left half, but that's just how my body seems to be ... breaking down. I'm not looking forward to getting older and MORE medical problems. :)
Sue had mailed us a copy of the homestudy paperwork she's written up so we could review it and correct any errors. In reading over our homestudy paperwork, lets just say that she had a LOT of errors! I guess I'm a little surprised at how many times we were asked questions about our family/schooling/whatever on two separate occasions and she still has that info incorrect. I know she wrote it down both times. I'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt, though too. I know she has alot going on at her job, however, accuracy is sure important! We have lots of crossing out and arrows. :) Hopefully this has happened to several of you regarding paperwork inaccuracies? Sue is the greatest lady, but I'm starting to wonder ....
The one thing I did enjoy reading was the snippets of nice things our references said about our abilities to be parents. The final paragraph of the paperwork was Sue's own recommendation that she sees us as great parents-to-be. When I first read that, I cried. Its like we're finally getting somewhere. Someone recognizes our potential as parents.
In other news, at my Endocrinologist appointment, I found out that my T4 (and something else, I forgot) was low, so this gal is now taking Synthroid at 50 mcg. So much for not taking any thyroid meds! I was in hopes that my right half of the thyroid would supplement for my missing left half, but that's just how my body seems to be ... breaking down. I'm not looking forward to getting older and MORE medical problems. :)
Friday, September 9, 2011
I Survived Last Weekend!
Of course, you all knew I would survive. :)
It was a long night at the K-State game on Saturday, which was L.O.N.G. and boring until the last 3 minutes of the game. I swear there were a full three quarters where the score was 0 to 0. It was painful to watch ... both teams need more practice. My pregnant SIL, her hubby and I ended up sitting by each other in a row ... me next to her. Even after I begged and pleaded with my DH to please *NOT* have me sit by them, he leaves for a drink and they come down to sit in the seats beside me, so my DH has to sit in the seats a few rows up where they were. We made small talk. Our seats were pretty high up in the stadium and when I thought about the gift my SIL & BIL were given (it was in the front of my mind all the time), I teared up ... BUT I thought about all the generous ladies who were praying for me and I felt better. I wasn't alone that day. I'm not alone with my feelings. I'm not alone in my journey. Your prayers helped SO much! Thank you!!!
We had a quick trip the next morning to CO for my cousin's wedding ... 7 hours in a car on Sunday AM with the wedding that night & then we turned around and left the next day about 11 am and drove back 7 hours. I don't think I want to do that again for a long time. It was a beautiful wedding! My cousin's dress was gorgeous, the decorations were super cute and the reception site and dinner were fabulous! All this within view of the mountains.
I took the next day (Tuesday) off and did practically nothing. :) Well, I did end up finishing my adoption picture book & am now 2.5 pages into my Dear Birthmother letter (my husband is only one paragraph in, oh dear!). I think that I can finish the rest up this weekend ... that is my goal. We have a meeting with our Adoption Case Worker on Tuesday afternoon to review our homestudy, so I thought I'd go over our letters and photo book and she can let us know what to change. I also might google Dear Birthmother letter examples thanks to a post from GIMH. I'd never thought of that. :) Like GIMH says, I just need help knowing what to say & putting it into words. Some people write things out so eloquently.
My BIL in the National Guard has been stationed in our city for the last three weeks and spending every night with us (he does leave to sleep at the barracks). Its been hard to be productive around the house as well as exercise, but I enjoy his company. My sister (his wife) is coming down tonight to spend the weekend with us/him. I'm looking forward to it. We'll have alot more time to hang out than last weekend's trip.
I found out a few days ago (from my military BIL) that my sister & him are having trouble conceiving, which I kind of wondered about. I'd assumed they used birth control (I know, I know ... I'm assuming ... I know how much it irks me when people assume). They're Catholic, but I'm not sure exactly how much they adhere to everything in the family planning department. Anyway, they've been married for 4 years as of June 2nd. He just got back this last June from a year overseas and was deployed about 5-6 years ago for a year as well. In my conversation with him, he's not sure whether its him (with all the stuff they vaccinate/expose them to in the military) or my sister (we are quite the sterile family, huh?). I told them that NaPro & PPVI is working for us (although we've yet to get pregnant), but he thinks that he'll get tested and if nothing's wrong, then my sister will get shots that help you get pregnant. Huh? I couldn't figure out what that meant. Clomid? HCG? IUI? He didn't know either. I wasn't sure what to say to him, as his mind sounded made up. I do plan to say something before they start any "shots" b/c I would hate to see them jump to anything immoral (like an IUI) and/or get pregnant and lose the baby b/c there's an underlying medical condition they didn't know about. That's the only silver lining in my infertility journey, I haven't had to experience the pain of a miscarriage. It would be THE worst thing.
Lastly, prayer buddies have been working overtime! There have been several great pregnancy announcements lately: Perfect Power in Weakness, Rise & Shine & Give God the Glory, and Matching Moonheads. Hopefully there are more to come! Congratulations, ladies!!!
It was a long night at the K-State game on Saturday, which was L.O.N.G. and boring until the last 3 minutes of the game. I swear there were a full three quarters where the score was 0 to 0. It was painful to watch ... both teams need more practice. My pregnant SIL, her hubby and I ended up sitting by each other in a row ... me next to her. Even after I begged and pleaded with my DH to please *NOT* have me sit by them, he leaves for a drink and they come down to sit in the seats beside me, so my DH has to sit in the seats a few rows up where they were. We made small talk. Our seats were pretty high up in the stadium and when I thought about the gift my SIL & BIL were given (it was in the front of my mind all the time), I teared up ... BUT I thought about all the generous ladies who were praying for me and I felt better. I wasn't alone that day. I'm not alone with my feelings. I'm not alone in my journey. Your prayers helped SO much! Thank you!!!
We had a quick trip the next morning to CO for my cousin's wedding ... 7 hours in a car on Sunday AM with the wedding that night & then we turned around and left the next day about 11 am and drove back 7 hours. I don't think I want to do that again for a long time. It was a beautiful wedding! My cousin's dress was gorgeous, the decorations were super cute and the reception site and dinner were fabulous! All this within view of the mountains.
I took the next day (Tuesday) off and did practically nothing. :) Well, I did end up finishing my adoption picture book & am now 2.5 pages into my Dear Birthmother letter (my husband is only one paragraph in, oh dear!). I think that I can finish the rest up this weekend ... that is my goal. We have a meeting with our Adoption Case Worker on Tuesday afternoon to review our homestudy, so I thought I'd go over our letters and photo book and she can let us know what to change. I also might google Dear Birthmother letter examples thanks to a post from GIMH. I'd never thought of that. :) Like GIMH says, I just need help knowing what to say & putting it into words. Some people write things out so eloquently.
My BIL in the National Guard has been stationed in our city for the last three weeks and spending every night with us (he does leave to sleep at the barracks). Its been hard to be productive around the house as well as exercise, but I enjoy his company. My sister (his wife) is coming down tonight to spend the weekend with us/him. I'm looking forward to it. We'll have alot more time to hang out than last weekend's trip.
I found out a few days ago (from my military BIL) that my sister & him are having trouble conceiving, which I kind of wondered about. I'd assumed they used birth control (I know, I know ... I'm assuming ... I know how much it irks me when people assume). They're Catholic, but I'm not sure exactly how much they adhere to everything in the family planning department. Anyway, they've been married for 4 years as of June 2nd. He just got back this last June from a year overseas and was deployed about 5-6 years ago for a year as well. In my conversation with him, he's not sure whether its him (with all the stuff they vaccinate/expose them to in the military) or my sister (we are quite the sterile family, huh?). I told them that NaPro & PPVI is working for us (although we've yet to get pregnant), but he thinks that he'll get tested and if nothing's wrong, then my sister will get shots that help you get pregnant. Huh? I couldn't figure out what that meant. Clomid? HCG? IUI? He didn't know either. I wasn't sure what to say to him, as his mind sounded made up. I do plan to say something before they start any "shots" b/c I would hate to see them jump to anything immoral (like an IUI) and/or get pregnant and lose the baby b/c there's an underlying medical condition they didn't know about. That's the only silver lining in my infertility journey, I haven't had to experience the pain of a miscarriage. It would be THE worst thing.
Lastly, prayer buddies have been working overtime! There have been several great pregnancy announcements lately: Perfect Power in Weakness, Rise & Shine & Give God the Glory, and Matching Moonheads. Hopefully there are more to come! Congratulations, ladies!!!
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
A Blog Slacker ... but with good reason!
I'm officially a slacker when it comes to blogging. Oops!
I meant to blog on Saturday, but I spent most of the day working on the photo book for our Adoption. We are about 95% done with it. All we have left (besides the daunting "Dear Birthmother" letters) is the "What DH says about me" and "What I say about DH" pages. I'm not sure if we need to include those, but I've seen adoptive parents do this and if I were the birthmom, I would want to know. After my hubby cooked me supper (score!), I vegged out for a few hours in front of the TV (my reward for working on the book) and then crashed. I really enjoyed this last weekend, as it was the only weekend in quite a while that I've been home to enjoy it! I have to work every 3rd weekend and we go to see our parents/siblings once a month (sometimes two if necessary), so it doesn't leave lots of free time. And as a result ..... I take advantage of being a slacker on the weekends I have nothing to do. :) My hubby says that I deserve it ... and I believe him! haha
I meant to blog on Sunday when I was catching up on things (emails, bills, budget and laundry ... oh my!), but I didn't make it. I did talk to my parents and managed to decipher a plan for the exciting trips that are coming up this weekend. These trips include a K-State football game (with the in-laws) and a wedding in Colorado (with the family). For the football game, we're taking my DH, me, my little brother, my brother-in-law B, my pregnant BIL & SIL and my in-laws. How's that for a mix?
As for the Colorado wedding, my cousin is getting married. It will be interesting. Without being to gossipy, it won't be in a church or have a specific religious affiliation. Those are always the interesting ones. I am not looking forward to the drive out there. I loathe car trips ever since we drove home from Chicago once. Twelve hours in a car. Never again! The only good part about that (kinda) was that the hubby drove there himself (for work) and I flew out there. I would SO rather fly than drive. Even though it means waiting in an airport for a short flight. :-)
I meant to blog last night, but my brother-in-law, B, was over. He is in the National Guard who is having training for a month in our city. How ironic ... of all the places, its where WE live! I'm so glad he is able to be somewhere where he knows someone. He's been over at our house two evenings last week and last night as well. B did go home over the weekend to see his wife, my sister. Its nice to have him over, but its also nice to do your own thing, too.
Prayer buddy, I need to ask you a favor. Its been floating around in my head all week .... can you pray for me on Saturday? I'll be at the K-State game. Don't pray for the Wildcats to win (Really! I'm a Husker at heart), but please pray that I can be at peace and not be jealous/envious of my pregnant sister-in-law. Its been awhile since we've seen them (since the shocking announcement) and I'm sure she's showing and I'm sure my mother-in-law (who's also coming) wants to baby-talk alot. I'm really dreading this weekend.
I meant to blog on Saturday, but I spent most of the day working on the photo book for our Adoption. We are about 95% done with it. All we have left (besides the daunting "Dear Birthmother" letters) is the "What DH says about me" and "What I say about DH" pages. I'm not sure if we need to include those, but I've seen adoptive parents do this and if I were the birthmom, I would want to know. After my hubby cooked me supper (score!), I vegged out for a few hours in front of the TV (my reward for working on the book) and then crashed. I really enjoyed this last weekend, as it was the only weekend in quite a while that I've been home to enjoy it! I have to work every 3rd weekend and we go to see our parents/siblings once a month (sometimes two if necessary), so it doesn't leave lots of free time. And as a result ..... I take advantage of being a slacker on the weekends I have nothing to do. :) My hubby says that I deserve it ... and I believe him! haha
I meant to blog on Sunday when I was catching up on things (emails, bills, budget and laundry ... oh my!), but I didn't make it. I did talk to my parents and managed to decipher a plan for the exciting trips that are coming up this weekend. These trips include a K-State football game (with the in-laws) and a wedding in Colorado (with the family). For the football game, we're taking my DH, me, my little brother, my brother-in-law B, my pregnant BIL & SIL and my in-laws. How's that for a mix?
As for the Colorado wedding, my cousin is getting married. It will be interesting. Without being to gossipy, it won't be in a church or have a specific religious affiliation. Those are always the interesting ones. I am not looking forward to the drive out there. I loathe car trips ever since we drove home from Chicago once. Twelve hours in a car. Never again! The only good part about that (kinda) was that the hubby drove there himself (for work) and I flew out there. I would SO rather fly than drive. Even though it means waiting in an airport for a short flight. :-)
I meant to blog last night, but my brother-in-law, B, was over. He is in the National Guard who is having training for a month in our city. How ironic ... of all the places, its where WE live! I'm so glad he is able to be somewhere where he knows someone. He's been over at our house two evenings last week and last night as well. B did go home over the weekend to see his wife, my sister. Its nice to have him over, but its also nice to do your own thing, too.
Prayer buddy, I need to ask you a favor. Its been floating around in my head all week .... can you pray for me on Saturday? I'll be at the K-State game. Don't pray for the Wildcats to win (Really! I'm a Husker at heart), but please pray that I can be at peace and not be jealous/envious of my pregnant sister-in-law. Its been awhile since we've seen them (since the shocking announcement) and I'm sure she's showing and I'm sure my mother-in-law (who's also coming) wants to baby-talk alot. I'm really dreading this weekend.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Adoption Visit #1
I know its been awhile since my last post. Its too bad I can't write them in my head and then they'll magically appear on the screen. That would be cool!
In the last 10 days, we've been rather busy ... housecleaning! We had our first home visit with Sue, our adoption caseworker, on Monday the 15th. I wasn't sure what all she was going to look at, so we cleaned the whole house ... toilets, the office, the basement ... you name it. Unfortunately, when she came for the home visit, our hard work wasn't fully recognized, as she glanced in from the hallway at the bedrooms (if only I would have known! ahhh!). She'll never know about our mad-dash dusting to get the stray cat hair off the dark bedroom end tables. Or how well I cleaned up our gross-really-needed-to-be-cleaned-a-month-ago Master Bathroom. Oh well. It's nice to have a totally clean house for awhile.
We sat in the Living Room and answered questions, some of which Sue had asked us before on our initial appointment. There were a few head-scratcher questions that were really ambiguous, but for the most part, we didn't have to think too much ... we just responded. My favorite was the "how many animals do you have?" question. When I said that we had 4 cats ... all she said was "oh my!" We did have the youngest (and friendliest) cat, Biker, come out to sniff around her feet during her visit. I hoped he wouldn't get up on the counter or lay on the table like he usually does ... and he didn't! Biker was well-behaved. Thank you, God!
I did ask Sue if she thought our selection chances by the birthparents were slimmer since I will have to go back to work after the adoption. She thought it wasn't an issue, which made me relax a little bit ... but I'm still nervous about that. I know there are many women able to stay at home, but unfortunately, I'm not going to be one of them. It pulls at my heart that I can't be at home, but I know alot of kids that go to daycare/babysitters have turned out just fine. That is my hope, anyway.
We are in-progress with our picture book, which I am making on MixB.ook, an online website. It is actually really cool (you should check it out) ... they have templates available that you can select from, but you can also add shapes/designs/colors onto your pages (as well as text). I will be working on that this weekend and hopefully get that done. Then ... its the daunting Dear Birthmother letters. I'm saving the hardest for last.
In the last 10 days, we've been rather busy ... housecleaning! We had our first home visit with Sue, our adoption caseworker, on Monday the 15th. I wasn't sure what all she was going to look at, so we cleaned the whole house ... toilets, the office, the basement ... you name it. Unfortunately, when she came for the home visit, our hard work wasn't fully recognized, as she glanced in from the hallway at the bedrooms (if only I would have known! ahhh!). She'll never know about our mad-dash dusting to get the stray cat hair off the dark bedroom end tables. Or how well I cleaned up our gross-really-needed-to-be-cleaned-a-month-ago Master Bathroom. Oh well. It's nice to have a totally clean house for awhile.
We sat in the Living Room and answered questions, some of which Sue had asked us before on our initial appointment. There were a few head-scratcher questions that were really ambiguous, but for the most part, we didn't have to think too much ... we just responded. My favorite was the "how many animals do you have?" question. When I said that we had 4 cats ... all she said was "oh my!" We did have the youngest (and friendliest) cat, Biker, come out to sniff around her feet during her visit. I hoped he wouldn't get up on the counter or lay on the table like he usually does ... and he didn't! Biker was well-behaved. Thank you, God!
I did ask Sue if she thought our selection chances by the birthparents were slimmer since I will have to go back to work after the adoption. She thought it wasn't an issue, which made me relax a little bit ... but I'm still nervous about that. I know there are many women able to stay at home, but unfortunately, I'm not going to be one of them. It pulls at my heart that I can't be at home, but I know alot of kids that go to daycare/babysitters have turned out just fine. That is my hope, anyway.
We are in-progress with our picture book, which I am making on MixB.ook, an online website. It is actually really cool (you should check it out) ... they have templates available that you can select from, but you can also add shapes/designs/colors onto your pages (as well as text). I will be working on that this weekend and hopefully get that done. Then ... its the daunting Dear Birthmother letters. I'm saving the hardest for last.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Happy 5th Anniversary & LUFS
We celebrated our 5th Wedding Anniversary on Friday, August 5th. I can't believe its been FIVE YEARS already! Where does the time go? In putting our adoption photo book together last night, we were looking at our honeymoon pictures in Hawaii. Back then, we were just happy-go-lucky people who hadn't the slightest idea of what life would throw our way.
Josh & I celebrated with a dinner out at Applebees. He gave me flowers, chocolate and the cutest card (with cats on it, of course) with a handwritten note inside ... the perfect gifts! Josh is the most wonderful, thoughful, perfect man that I am SO very blessed to be married to. I think about how impatient I was to get married or I would be an old maid (I was only 24 when I met him and 25 when we married). But I do see how it truly was planned by God. Josh will be a wonderful father someday.
Last year at this time, I was having a Laparoscopy on our 4th Anniversary at PPVI. It was quite the celebration, let me tell you, especially with the bowel prep the night before! ("Happy Anniversary, honey, now give me an enema!")
Ironically, a nurse from PPVI called me the day before our anniversary this year and said that with both this cycle and the cycle before, I had a Lutenized Unruptured Follicle (LUF) ... which means I didn't ovulate. Great. I wonder how long THAT has been happening. I've been on Femara the last few months, so I'm not sure if that's a reason for the LUF. Argh!!! Just one more kink.
When I had my ultrasound series at PPVI a year ago, they did say that I did ovulate. I wonder if that was a freak cycle or if these last ones were. I am taking IM Progesterone (100 mg) on P+4,7,10 to "shrink" the follicle (hoping that works, but I doubt it). I have an ultrasound on Day 3 of my next cycle to check out what's going on inside.
Are there questions I should be asking my doctor? Are there medicines I should bring up? I know Dr. Keefe at PPVI knows what she's talking about, but it feels like my wheels are spinning sometimes and I'm not getting anywhere.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Jealousy & a Lightbulb Moment
I just heard from our adoption case worker, Sue, that she is back from her vacation and is working on getting our file opened and filled out! Hooray!!! Before she left, she sent out reference request letters and commented yesterday that she was surprised to have them all back. Of course! My references know how important this is to me (and ... you gave them a two week timeframe).
In my adoration hour this morning (think 2 am!), I poured my heart out to Jesus to have mercy on me in this infertility journey. I spent most of the hour in tears. I'm just upset, discouraged, jealous ... all nasty, mean feelings. My BIL & SIL (the ones who just announced their pregnancy) have been posting wonderful vacation photos on FB. The first thing I do is look to see if she's "showing." Of course, she is ... a little bit. I don't know why I can't keep the jealousy feelings at bay. This last week has been rough. I don't know why I'm so fixated on this. I am a big enough person to say "it is wrong to feel jealous," but then I feel that way anyway. Ugh. I hope I'm not the only one that has problems with subduing negative emotions this way. I lifted this up to God last night and asked for His help to stay positive about that situation and be truly happy. Its hard.
One thing that clicked a few months ago when I was praying before mass is that perhaps I "invited" my suffering on myself. Let me (try to) explain. My dad has always been for sick as long as I can remember. It was either not-feeling-good-stay-in-bed kind of sick or it was I-really-don't-feel-good-lets-go-to-the-hospital kind of sink. He's had several operations as well. Our lives revolved around his sickness. My dad pushed himself hard regardless of being sick to be a good provider, but I know he never felt good. One time when I was in college, when he was in the hospital, we almost lost him. It was horrible. I remember asking God then if I could take on some of my dad's pain to help him feel better. I would do it. I love my dad to death. He is my hero. Eventually, my dad recovered, life happened and I forgot about my request.
Then came the "Lightbulb Moment" in church. Is this infertility I'm experiencing in a way "helping" to relieve my dad's suffering? When I think of it like that, I can push through this. I can "do" infertility. My dad pushes through each day, so why can't I?
I do have to tell you that my dad has been doing really well these last 6-8 years. He found a doctor at the Mayo.Clinic in Minnesota who has been wonderful in treatment. He hasn't been in the hospital or very sick in about that long (although he still has his bad-stay-in-bed kind of days).
I guess I do need to say that I know my prayer to God didn't "cause" me to be infertile, but I do wonder sometimes if my infertility struggle has anything to do with my dad's health and my request to God so long ago. Because for my dad, I would give up having a baby the "natural" way so he could feel better every day.
In my adoration hour this morning (think 2 am!), I poured my heart out to Jesus to have mercy on me in this infertility journey. I spent most of the hour in tears. I'm just upset, discouraged, jealous ... all nasty, mean feelings. My BIL & SIL (the ones who just announced their pregnancy) have been posting wonderful vacation photos on FB. The first thing I do is look to see if she's "showing." Of course, she is ... a little bit. I don't know why I can't keep the jealousy feelings at bay. This last week has been rough. I don't know why I'm so fixated on this. I am a big enough person to say "it is wrong to feel jealous," but then I feel that way anyway. Ugh. I hope I'm not the only one that has problems with subduing negative emotions this way. I lifted this up to God last night and asked for His help to stay positive about that situation and be truly happy. Its hard.
One thing that clicked a few months ago when I was praying before mass is that perhaps I "invited" my suffering on myself. Let me (try to) explain. My dad has always been for sick as long as I can remember. It was either not-feeling-good-stay-in-bed kind of sick or it was I-really-don't-feel-good-lets-go-to-the-hospital kind of sink. He's had several operations as well. Our lives revolved around his sickness. My dad pushed himself hard regardless of being sick to be a good provider, but I know he never felt good. One time when I was in college, when he was in the hospital, we almost lost him. It was horrible. I remember asking God then if I could take on some of my dad's pain to help him feel better. I would do it. I love my dad to death. He is my hero. Eventually, my dad recovered, life happened and I forgot about my request.
Then came the "Lightbulb Moment" in church. Is this infertility I'm experiencing in a way "helping" to relieve my dad's suffering? When I think of it like that, I can push through this. I can "do" infertility. My dad pushes through each day, so why can't I?
I do have to tell you that my dad has been doing really well these last 6-8 years. He found a doctor at the Mayo.Clinic in Minnesota who has been wonderful in treatment. He hasn't been in the hospital or very sick in about that long (although he still has his bad-stay-in-bed kind of days).
I guess I do need to say that I know my prayer to God didn't "cause" me to be infertile, but I do wonder sometimes if my infertility struggle has anything to do with my dad's health and my request to God so long ago. Because for my dad, I would give up having a baby the "natural" way so he could feel better every day.
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