But is this weekend too soon? BIL & SIL live about 2-1/2 hours east of us (they won't get as much snow). Of course, the baby's grandparents and one of hubby's brothers have been there already and may be there over the weekend too. I anticipate lots of other friends & family visiting this weekend as well. I guess if we went this weekend to see the baby instead of driving into the bad weather for the wedding reception, it would take the spotlight off of us saying much of anything, but I'm wondering if its too soon for me. I know I will visit at some point (within the next few months, I'm sure), but want my heart to heal a bit. I'm afraid of all the excited baby-crazed people and their off-hand comments that I might take to heart too much. I'm also afraid of the gushing of the new parents over their baby. I'm afraid of crying when I hold him, because I long for a baby too. But I also know in the back of my mind that I shouldn't steal their joy ... but if I'm not there to cry or be hurt, then I can't do that, right?
In your opinion, when do you think we should drive over to see the parents and baby?
I would plan a time to visit when there are not as many people around...just for protection from the off-hand comments. No sense in making it harder than it already is. But, I would also plan to visit when maybe one other person will be there (preferrably someone who is understanding of you).
ReplyDeleteI find that babies that I can hold and see don't bother me as much pregnant bellies or conversations about babies. Yes, the ache for one of my own is there, but that sweet face so new from heaven most often seems to make it a little better. It's definitely a choice to focus on the baby and not my own pain, but when I've been able to do it it has been so worth it.
(Don't misunderstand, the tears always come, in the car on the way home.)
Ok, but as I rethink this, I might be inclined to go when there are lots of people, expect the offhand comments and remind myself ahead of time "they know not what they do" and enjoy being able to just blend in without any eyes watching how I'll react.
Gee, I was lots of help, huh?
Prayers! I can offer those...so you have them.
Oh the anxiety leading up to meeting your sweet nephew!! I'm sure it feels like a huge boulder is on your chest!!
ReplyDeleteI would say, the sooner the better (in my opinion), because until then you will be worrying oh so much about this first visit!!
Also-the nerves will most likely be there until you get to hold him. For me, it's always the moment that baby is set in my arms, and regardless of its s dear friends baby or a niece or nephew, I think that I would kill for this little one-and no, not like kill to take the baby ;) but do Anythibg I could to protect them!!
I don't know if the feeling will be the same for you but I pray it will be...and if not, I'm sure with time you will fall in love with this new family member!!
Like I said, I'm praying for you!!! It's crazy, before every "meeting of a new one" I've had the anxiety and pain, but by the grace of God that pain went away when I actually met them! One would imagine I would just learn to trust but I guess IF causes deep rooted pains that don't ever truly heal.
There's no easy answer. But I think FMTP is right--the longer you put it off, the more anxiety you'll have beforehand. Plus, if you go when a lot of people are there (despite that you'll have to listen to all their comments) maybe you won't feel quite as much in the spotlight. Plus, if you try to hold the baby and it's too hard, you can always pass him off to someone else and pretend like it's only b/c you don't want to hog the baby...I used to do that. I'm a bad person to give advice, b/c I used to handle these things terribly. :( If it helps, it was always easier with my nephews than with other people's babies. Praying for ya!
ReplyDeleteso hard to say what to do. can you just send a gift? lol. I wish that were the case. I'm sure you do, too. There are pros and cons on both sides. I think I would probably end up flipping a coin.
ReplyDeleteWhen my niece had her baby, we went two days later to see her. I was surprised that I didn't cry when I held her. I know it was God who was helping me get through it. For some reason holding the baby didn't hurt as much as seeing her pregnant. I actually felt very proud of myself for going and visiting them. I felt very empowered that I overcame my fear. I did tear up as soon as we got in the car and so did my husband. It was emotional, but I was so glad I didn't wait to see the new baby. My mom said something very true to me: "She said that I know it hurts that you can't have a baby right now, but don't ignore the beautiful babies that are being born around you. Enjoy others kids until you can enjoy your own." At first I was very upset with this comment my mom made to me, but the more I thought about it, the more I started to agree with her. I can choose to avoid all these beautiful blessings or I can choose to be a part of these beautiful blessings.
ReplyDeleteIt will be hard to go visit that new baby. If you cry, don't worry about it. Before I even wanted to have children, I cried when my nephews were born because I was so happy and excited to be an Aunt.
Hang in there. I will pray that God gives you a sense of peace and the strength to overcome this.
This might sound crazy, but what do you think about doing a quick video chat session with them? Saying you really want to see the baby but you don't know if you'll be able to do it this weekend because of the wedding and other busy life stuff, and schedule it to be just 10 minutes or so. You can congratulate them, look at the baby, and then say goodbye. Then the first difficult time will be over and you'll still be at home with your hubby, where you can feel safe.
ReplyDeleteAnother suggestion I have is praying for the baby on your way to go see them, so that when you see the baby and hold him, you'll already have this connection, where you're praying for this little soul and that God will always take care of him (him? I forget!). You're the baby's aunt, you are connected to each other in a special way. Plus, saying a rosary is a great way to meditate and help you have peace when you get our of the car to face everyone.
Just some thoughts. I'm praying for you!
I agree with those that seeing the baby is so much better than thinking about seeing the baby. I would tend to think that sooner would be better, and maybe if there are a lot of people around, it would be a good excuse to leave sooner, so that you're not taking up too much of their time. Maybe that's lame, but it's worked for me in the past!
ReplyDeleteMy friend from college just had her second. The first one wasn't hard b/c we weren't trying at all. This time around we were trying long before she conceived and we've been trying the whole time. I love her and her sweet little peanuts, but it's hard. I went to see her in the hospital. Surprisingly I was ok until I held her daughter. I couldn't help it, the tears just came. Some were happy, some were sad. I couldn't separate the two. My friend was heartbroken for me, I could see it in her face. She just said, "Oh Ania, your time will come". She's right it will, but it's still hard waiting.
ReplyDeleteThe only advice I have is to pray and give it to God. He leads from a place of peace and I pray you find it with this decision. We'll all certainly be praying for you. Just be yourself. They may be upset if you don't come, they may be upset if you do come and cry, but you are where you are. Wishing you peace!
I agree with what many others have said... I think putting it off would make it worse. You'd just have more time to worry about your reaction. I don't know that you'd have to stay long either - yes, if more people are around, you can leave so everyone has a chance to greet them.
ReplyDeleteI have a much harder time with the pregnant bellies. It's easier when I can focus on a cute little face!
And maybe plan a great dinner out with your hubby afterwards! Get some good wine and chocolate too, haha! :)
I almost always develop a cough/cold.. before I have to visit my fertile friends & relatives.. so I don't have to hold the little one. That's the most painful part for me.
ReplyDeleteMaybe you will like holding the baby. They can be cute and cuddly. Then when it poops you just hand the little baby right back to the mom. If you have to excuse yourself to go to the bathroom and cry, then that's what you have to do. You don't have to fake being overly excited. You just have to be polite and not drop the baby.
ReplyDeleteMaybe the baby will grow up to be a psychopath, and then the grandma won't be so excited.
Seriously, plan to do something fun with your husband right afterwards. That way you can just say, "We can't stay long because we're on our way to ________." Also, doing a fun activity serves as a reward to yourself for having to go through this painful visit. Then that evening you will get a good night's sleep unlike the mother who will not get a good night's sleep or have time to sit and enjoy a good meal for a very long time.
Hang in there. You've been approved for adoption, so someday the in-laws will be visiting to see your new baby.
I don't think men understand.
I hope my comments help in some small way. Just imagine your blog people with you when you go visiting.
I don't know that I'll add anything others haven't said, but I would definitely plan to go when there won't be a ton of others around.
ReplyDeleteWhen I met my nieces it was just my BIL, SIL, Husband and the baby. It was relaxed and I could garner my own opinion without loads of "doesn't she look just like.." "Isn't she precious?" from others. It may help you to only have to be excited for 2 people who will be tired and in love with their child instead of a room full of people.
And totally have an excuse to bail out quickly. (Weather, activity, you should sleep when the baby sleeps... whatever you need.)
Seeing my best friend's second child was one of the most painful things I had to do and I was so grateful that I was sick at the time. When she had her third child was born I couldn't keep my hands off of him.
ReplyDeleteI know that the biggest part of my reaction was because we had planned to be on maternity leave together and I was still childless.
She did ask us to be her son's godparents and it was one of the most touching things ever in our relationship.
It all depends on how strong you are feeling. I know that when I'm feeling particularly infertile (if you know what I mean), it's so hard to be around little babies. I always make up mysterious illnesses when I have to hold newborns.
I'm praying that you come to a decision soon!
I agree with Rebecca. Go when there aren't so many people as the constant gushing and comments etc will hurt more. And you know no one is going to hold back because of your feelings. It will still be sad but at least you won't feel so left out.
ReplyDeleteOh boy, that is a tough one. I say when you feel at your strongest....but it does seem that having extra people around to make extra comments might be tough...but then again having a few around to make things crazy busy also would be good, I suppose.
ReplyDeleteI would get it over with sooner rather than later. But, again, I would do it ONLY when I was feeling at my strongest. That is a far drive! UGH>>>>>
Hey- I read your last two posts and my heart is aching with you. I have also been infertile over 5 years now, and now matter the excitement and anticpation of adoption, it still hurts, and I think, always will. You are NOT alone. Sorry you are surrounded by others that make you feel that way, though.
ReplyDeleteI suggest you make a phone call/send card to congratulate when you feel up to it, and discuss a visit with them. If you revolve it around them being so busy with other visitors, you may get out of visiting for a while.
Praying for you along the way. Go with your heart and instincts.
Many blessings,
Jessica
What did you end up doing with visiting the baby? I realize I am late to the game on this post. I think you should go and visit whenever you feel comfortable with it and are able to process it. I always found that it was other women's pregnancies that was really, really hard for me. Once they actually had the baby I was way more okay with things and even liked holding the baby, etc after I had given myself time to digest the news. I mean I know it is the baby we all want and long so much, but for me it was about getting and staying pregnant that was my main focus. Plus, I found it hard to be mad or jealous of such cute little things, LOL! :) Hope you feel peace with whatever you decided. xo
ReplyDeleteWe decided to wait to go when we had more time. It ended up being good enough weather to travel to our original wedding destination. I have more peace about when we do visit, though, thanks to such great advice!
DeleteWondering how your visit went.
ReplyDeleteLena