The evening of receiving the Mother-in-Law email, I was still in a funk. I felt lonely, discouraged and hurt. I tried to talk to my hubby to see how he was feeling. It didn't work very well. He doesn't feel the same way I do. He doesn't understand why I'm so bitter towards his family. I'm just trying to protect myself from getting hurt, but I end up lashing out at him, which I end up doing pretty often anymore. I told him he needed to talk to his mom about not talking about the new baby to me anymore. He wrote her an email that said:
Mom,
I just want to ask you to please not talk to Amanda a bunch about baby stuff/info. She is having a very rough time with being infertile and seeing babies everywhere and hearing people talk about babies.
It is not that she is hateful or wishes bad things to happen to others, but she is having a tough time dealing with seeing God give everyone else what she wants so badly and Him making her unable to conceive. She keeps seeing other people who are getting pregnant and say they aren't even trying, while she is doing everything humanly possible to be fertile.
I just want you to keep her feelings in mind when you send emails and talk to her. She would probably prefer if there were no baby talk. I know it is going to happen when all the family is together and she just has to deal with it, but if you are just talking to her or sending emails, please keep this in mind.
We both love you and dad. We are not mad, I would just appreciate you choosing the right time and place for some conversations.
I hope you are not mad. Amanda is just very sad/emotional about being infertile. She said she was crying today after reading the email today about the baby appointment tomorrow. I am just trying to save her from some of those moments by limiting what she reads and hears about. I know you are happy and we are too, but it brings sad feelings too, as it is a constant reminder of our pain.
I think it is hard for people who haven't gone through this to fully understand the pain involved.
You can update me on the stuff going on and I can pass it along when I can.
Thank you.
Love,
J
__________________________________________________________________________
His mom wrote back to him:
J…I am not upset ... but I was thinking ... I, personally am on the other side of the "life coin" here ... I am an ADOPTED child ... who had to handle alot of stuff growing up ... from alot of people ...
I also might add ... I watched almost everyone I knew ...have their "real" Mom and Dad ... and I had to deal with that.
So, while I'm not upset ... I would encourage Amanda and you to keep praying for God's will for "your lives" ... and He will bring a child however He wants to bless you.
I have not totally given up on you two having your own ... and perhaps God has not either ... Just don't "you two" give up.
I LOVE YOU BOTH ... and will NEVER do anything purposfully to hurt either one of you.
__________________________________________________________________________
While I appreciate the kindness and thoughtfulness of his mother, being adopted does not compare in any way to being infertile. Its two different things. I can certainly empathize about being made fun of about being adopted. I hurt for my hubby's mom feeling like that. But it is not the same hurt.
All this being said ... I am EXTREMELY PROUD of my husband for standing up for me and my feelings. Although I am not 100% cured of crazy infertility emotions, I appreciate beyond words what my hubby did for me. I am beyond blessed to have him in my life.
Way to go, husband! You da man!
ReplyDeleteI don't get the relevance of the adopted thing. Maybe she was trying to sympathize, but it also comes across to me as if she is trying to diminish your feelings or something. Maybe I'm just overly sensitive.
IMHPFP -- I don't think you're being overly sensitive. That's the feeling I got from it too.
ReplyDeleteYay for sensitive husbands! ( I have one of my own).
ReplyDeleteI wish family members would just take a walk in our shoes instead of trying brush feelings aside.
I agree, I felt the "I'm adopted" part came off as slightly more polite "get over it."
ReplyDeleteYou're husband's e-mail was just fantastic. I know a lot of men wouldn't want to stand up to their family, especially over something like this. Good job husband! :)
What a great approach to your MIL...coming from your husband. Obviously, she still doesn't understand since she threw in the she's adopted thing. Oh well. At least, hopefully, she won't fill your inbox with baby talk!
ReplyDeleteWhat a great hubby- Wow! I'm so glad you have him protecting you. Anytime there is a BUT in that type of response, there is a bit of defensiveness. So glad your hubby is filtering emails ;)
ReplyDeletewow what a great letter. I may have to borrow some of it to send to my parents to help me deal with my sisters 2nd new pregnancy. It was so well written and it speaks for all of us going through this. WOW is all I can say. I can't imagine my dh coming up with those words. You are blessed to have him by your side. I hope that this helps the situation a little.
ReplyDeleteYea Hubby! This post made me think about some past feelings I wrote about around this time last year. I'm including the link...maybe your hubby can pass it down (or cut and past) to your MIL. http://myheartexults.blogspot.com/2010/11/what-is-it-that-i-expect.html
ReplyDeleteWhen I was struggling with the things that my MIL (and my own mom) have done or said, someone told me that "sometimes, people don't know how to love us, they just do." Even when they say and do all the wrong things, they still love us. But it sure would be nice if they had all the perfect words, right?! {{{Hugs}}}
Here is the other post I mentioned earlier.
ReplyDeletehttp://myheartexults.blogspot.com/2010/11/dear-friends-and-family.html
Your husband gets a big pat on the back for that one! Go him! And clearly, your MIL has a long way to go in learning to empathize, but I hope that this leads to better, less thoughtless communication between all of you.
ReplyDelete-January
What a great letter your husband wrote. I got all teary reading it. So considerate and thoughtful! Too bad your MIL didn't quite understand. Oh well, even if she doesn't, hopefully she will be more in tune with your feelings.
ReplyDeleteMy Heart Exults ... Thank you for the links you gave AND your kind words. Your posts are spot-on for my feelings! These are definitely being sent on!
ReplyDeleteWhat a well written letter. I have struggled with my in-laws as well in this area and I find it so much harder to communicate with them as compared to my own family. I constantly blame myself for the strained relationships, but I am beginning to realize that both sides play a role. I hope your MIL sees the reality of the whole situation. God bless you and your husband!
ReplyDeleteYour hubby is a man of God! Husbands are supposed to step up and protect/defend their wives to all. Even/especially the MIL, I think. Unfortunately, most women aren't blessed with a man who will do this for them. Glad you were very blessed! I think the letter was perfectly kind-heartedly written. Her response, not quite so perfect. But, at least she is aware now, and hopefully limits what she gushes about to you two.
ReplyDeleteYes, it was awesome of your husband to speak for you like this. I can't even imagine how hard this is not having fertility issues myself. It is only in the last few years that I've learned a little bit of what this particular cross is like through a couple of good friends with fertility problems.
ReplyDeleteNovember
Hi,
ReplyDeleteI found you through searching for Catholic infertility support. I have PCOS and am relieved to finally find a few blogs that aren't IUI/IVF obsessed.
This whole infertility world can be so lonely sometimes and other people (family included) can't always understand. It's not that you're not happy for other people, it's just that you can't always separate your own sorrow. Good for you for knowing your limits. Hubby and I are probably not going to the larger family get together at Christmas this year. It'll just be too hard to be around everyone. Stay strong!
Ania@
mcdonnell418.blogspot.com
I’m sorry but I really feel like I need to comment on this post. I’m not even sure how I arrived on your blog, sometimes I blog hop without remembering where I started. I comment anonymously as I do not have a blog of my own. I do not mean to sound hurtful or demeaning or belittle your struggle in any way, so I pray my comment does not come across as such.
ReplyDeletePerhaps your MIL is comparing her pain of being adopted with your pain of infertility. However to say one is more painful than the other is like comparing apples to oranges. God gives each of us different struggles and crosses to bear and while it may look like someone else’s cross is lighter or easier, we can never truly gauge that, only God can. Obviously I don’t know your MIL’s heart but I know in my own life when someone is dealing with something very difficult sometimes I, without knowing, say the most inept thing and later in retrospect I realize (or sometimes may never realize) that my words or actions may have been perceived as insensitive. This is where we need to err on the side of grace toward each other, especially if the other person is not going out of their way to say or do spiteful things. I totally agree with the poster above (My Heart Exults) and feel like her 2nd paragraph is spot on. While your MIL’s comments about infertility may come across as insensitive since it doesn’t sound like she has struggled with infertility, she may be very good at comforting someone who has feelings of abandonment (from a spouse or parent) as she has walked this road herself.
I am in my early 30s, never married, and have always had a desire for a husband and family. I don’t know if God will ever fulfill that longing in the way I want. All of my siblings are married with children. All of my friends are married, and with the exception of one friend, each of them has been blessed with children as well. It is a daily struggle to desire a husband/family of my own. Every day, wherever I turn, I seem to be reminded that others have what my heart longs for. However to ask to be removed from that part of other people’s lives (i.e. no news of baby, don’t attend bridal showers/weddings, etc) because it’s very painful is damaging to yourself and to others. To shelter our wounded heart from ‘life’ around is Satan’s cruel way of making us think that we are protecting ourselves. If you rejoice with those who rejoice, even when your heart is breaking, God will not abandon you. He will comfort you and help you find joy even in the midst of pain and heartache. This is an incredibly joyful time for your sister-in-law. Rejoice with her, be part of the pregnancy with her, and God may use this time to heal your heart in the process. I know God has been faithful to me as I engage in the lives of those around me who are getting married or giving birth. I love this letter from a MIL to a daughter in law waiting for a baby...it states so eloquently the gist of what I was trying to say in this paragraph. http://www.samuelmay.com/p/waiting-well.html (scroll down about 1/2 way through the post).
Prayerfully a sister in Christ,
Nadine
What a wonderful Husband you have!! =)
ReplyDeletePraise God for a wonderful husband who supports you!
ReplyDeleteOh wow, I should have read the update before commenting. :) This is awesome... your Dh stood up for you. And your MIL is trying, which says a lot. I too agree that her cross is a little different (although not necessarily less painful), though. It does sound like maybe she got a little a bit defensive when she realized she'd hurt you?... hopefully as time goes on, things will get easier.
ReplyDeleteIn response to Nadine - I find your comment ignorant, condescending and lacking in compassion - despite your many references to Our Lord.
ReplyDeleteI have experienced both the pain of wanting to getting married and have a family (and having to wait a very, very long time) and the pain of being married and not being able to have children because of infertility.
They are not the same thing. At all. One is much more painful, much harder and more emotionally difficult than the other.
Comparing the two simply doesn't work.
Why? Because childlessness due to infertility is about capacity. Your situation (i.e. childlessness due to lack of marriage), however, is more about context.
An infertile couple can't have children. The biological capacity for it is broken - in other words, their fertility health doesn't exist (or if it does, it's very fragile).
You, however, have the capacity to get married and (I hope for your sake) have children. It's not that you lack the capacity but rather the context for it to take place.
This distinction is important because, unlike capacity, context can change. You could easily meet someone tomorrow or next week or the week after.
And this has one very important consequence which distinguishes your emotional situation from that of a couple struggling with infertility - and that is 'hope'.
And that, my pious friend, is the key difference in the suffering caused by the two. It is much easier to for a single person to have hope that one day she will find the right man, get married and have kids than it is to be infertile.
When you have a medical condition that won't allow you to have children (i.e. infertility and all it's varied causes), it's very hard to have hope. It is very easy, in fact, to despair.
Which means, of course, that it is in fact easier to feel happy for friends who get married when you are single than it is to be happier for friends who fall pregnant when you are infertile.
It is not cruel or Satanic for Amanda to want to be protected just a little from baby talk by her oblivious and insensitive MIL. The news that others are having children when you can't, can make the suffering much worse.
One can try to be happy. One can try to rejoice for and with others. One can try to do other positive things like adopt. But when you don't yet have a child (biologically or adopted) it is very painful. And - this is key - it can make it HARDER to detach from one's desire for children.
There is nothing inherently wrong in recognizing that one might need a little buffer and getting a little distance. In fact it's probably prudent. Until she's strong enough to deal with this issue in a more detached and reconciled way, it is probably wise for her to be protected from her MIL by her DH.
Amanda - the most insulting part of your MIL's reply is the assumption that your adopted child won't really be 'your own'.
ReplyDeleteAdopting doesn't mean that you've given up on having a biological child. The two aren't mutually exclusive. Ridiculous.