The Decision

I got a phone call at work on Wednesday afternoon from the lady at Lutheran Family Services (LFS).  She said the words I was afraid to hear.  "There were so many wonderful couples, but unfortunately, we cannot extend you an invitation to our adoption program at this time."  We were invited to reapply in August of this year when they would be looking for couples again if they had spots open.

In a way, I expected it.  I was anxious about why it was already Tuesday and we hadn't been called; DH was telling me that they were probably making decisions.  When it became Wednesday, DH said that they hadn't met yet ... or maybe they met and they were calling the couples who were invited first.  I asked him why it wouldn't be the other way around, and he said that they would want to call those whom they wanted first in case they changed their mind.  Then they could extend the option to someone who wouldn't have made the cut.  It made sense.  I think I knew then.

DH and I had prayed that if it was God's will that we would work with LFS, then it was His will and we would be ok either way.  I'd prayed that during many Holy Hours.  We had others pray.   Although I "expected" that we probably wouldn't make the cut (we had a 1 in 3 chance), it was still deflating to get the actual "No, you didn't make it" speech.  It still stung.  My heart hurt a little bit and I didn't know why.

I took yesterday evening to process their decision.  I fell asleep at 8:30 pm on the couch.  I was too exhausted to even get ready for bed and walk 10 steps into the bedroom.  I couldn't articulate it, but I think it was a little bit of loss and hopelessness of what could have been.  I didn't feel like doing anything but sleeping.

Today I drove to a customer's house to measure.  The drive was "only" 3 hours round trip, so I had a lot of windshield time.  (Don't get me started on how *so* not worth it it was to drive to that person's house - ugh!  Anyway ...)  I was listening to the radio and thinking and trying to process where we were going to go from here (do we continue to try domestic infant adoption or should we look into foster to adopt ... where is my sign, Lord?).  I am a person who likes to have a plan.

In my head (and heart), I was upset at all the time "wasted", as we had waited since November (and prior) to have the chance to interview in February ... all to not get in to the agency.  I hate wasting time and not being able to have that back or have made progress during that time.  I was frustrated that I hadn't contacted multiple agencies to see about also interviewing for their programs at the same time.  I wanted progress.  I felt like we had put all our eggs into one basket and then our hopes were dashed and now we had to start over from square one.

I realized ... this is (similar to) how I felt when we were TTC in those 3 + years before Luke.  The up and down cycle.  The hope at the beginning of the cycle.  The let down at the end when there was no second line on the HPT.

In the almost three years since we have been Luke's parents, I haven't worried about pregnancy tests or getting pregnant or even hoping each month that some miracle would happen.  Nope.  None.  I'm realistic that way, I guess.   If it wouldn't happen with an arsenal of medicine and surgeries, it won't happen without it.

But the *hope* of getting signed up with this adoption agency and the "no" that followed is just like getting a "not pregnant" on a pregnancy test.  Your heart sinks.  Your hope evaporates.

All so you can try again "next time".

And we will.  Where there's a will, there's a way.  You can count on that.