Heartbreak

It's been quite the emotional last few days for me. Aside from the physical stress of my 16 year old little brother being down for the week and managing to "help" remodel by basically tearing our basement apart ... and an evil customer at work ... I get to complete my week with a surprise announcement.
We head back to Josh's parents house (which is on the way to drop my brother back off at my parents, as he's 16 and it's a 3 hour drive for a newbie driver) and we stop off at Josh's parents house. We meet his brother there and chat for a bit. Nothing special. Then out of the blue, Josh's brother says "We're expecting." And silence. I squeak out the words "a baby?" and he nods and grins. My stomach drops. My heart breaks. I didn't even know they were trying. He's a teacher, she has 1 year to go in pharmacy school, they're only 25 and have been married for 3 years. "We were thinking about trying in another year" is what Josh's mom fills in. Now that's just great.
Everyone looks at me, waiting for me to say something. I try and smile and say "Congratulations" and hope the conversation changes course. Oh no, it's Josh's mom's first grandchild. "We just know you'll have one soon," his mom says. And she tears up, and I just can't take it anymore, so I tear up too (but for different reasons), holding back the gut wrenching sobs I want to make. And so I apologize for raining on their parade, for what's a jealous infertile to say? What I really think? No. That wouldn't be good.
More baby talk. Josh's brother and sister-in-law are due on Feb 14, and we are filled in on all the details. Why the hell do I have to listen to this? Josh's mom has posted this on Facebook and is proudly announcing her new status to all. Today, she announced it in church that she's a grandma (Thank God I wasn't there). Tonight we went to a potluck fundraiser in their small town with several people who went to church that morning. They all say "Congratulations". Its hard to hear. We end up sitting at the table right across from the new parents and all night, people stop by and give their best wishes. And we are sitting right across the table. It was tough. I was asked, "Aren't you excited to be an aunt?" Fake smile and nod. That should be us. Why hasn't God blessed US with a child after almost 5 years of marriage? We ourselves have prayed, solicited others for prayers in last years Christmas cards and have had other people we dont even know pray for us. Nothing! Why do we still wait, when some people don't even really try and they get pregnant?
I couldn't get past this latest news. It has consumed my thoughts for the last two days. Last night, I had an ugly cry ... in in my old bedroom at my parents house ... If I could have seen the future back then, would I have thought this would be my life? Today, I'm a little more accepting of the new situation. I know it's going to be harder once she starts showing, especially with all the holidays coming up (and a very excited first-time Grandma), and then of course, after the baby is born. I don't hold anything against the new parents, they will be great and I do love them both, it's just that my human side wins out right now. I'm angry and I'm mad. I'm jealous. I'll admit that. I wish it were that easy for me. It's hard to swallow the "someday" phrases offered by other people when you are taking a billion pills, temps / pulses and shots on specific days and getting wanded up your nether parts several times a month. It's just really hard to be happy when your own life is so different and you know there is nothing you can do. It's all out of your control.
Well, I think I'm done moaning for tonight. This is a much shorter and less profane than it would have been last night, so be thankful for the small things. And just so you all know, I'm offering up my heartache and suffering for all of you in the trenches with me. For what I've been through so far, and what I will endure over the next 24 hours ... because we are all spending the night together at Josh's parents house, and there is a new grandma who likes to drop the "B" bomb at every passing opportunity. I will try and make the most of this and be happy for a new life. However, I will be sending an email out to all potential future parents that are my relatives on how to announce that you are pregnant, because I don't want this to ever happen to me again!