Disclaimer: I know weight and the size you are is a sensitive topic. If you happen to be overweight, this post is not about you! It is only about me. This post is literally the thoughts in my head. I need to capture them today so that I can go back and remind myself why I'm doing this and hopefully in the future, just how far I've come.
Fat.
I swore to not be a fat person. My mom was/is overweight and I didn't want to be like her.
I thought I was fat when I was younger ... about 16. Ha! Not even!
I thought I was fat when I was in college. I'd love to be that "fat" again.
I thought I was fat before and after we adopted Luke. Nope. I got fatter.
Why?
Wine. Food. No willpower. No exercise. No good eating habits.
I ate and drank to escape. I still do. But it has to stop.
I am 259 lbs. I am 6'1". I am 33 years old. When I had my kidney stones and went into the hospital, I was defined as "obese" on their paperwork. Mind blowing. I wasn't supposed to be obese. And that was 15 pounds ago. In the last three months, I've gained 15 pounds. At my wedding (age 25), I was 180 pounds.
I've got to get a handle on things.
After Luke goes to bed is when I have some wine. Then some snacks. Then more wine. It is "my" time, between the hours of 9 pm and 12 am. Sometimes I stay up until 1 am. I watch TV shows. I drink. I eat. I escape. I don't have to be the problem solver at work. I don't have to be wife or mom. I let food and drink make me feel good and the TV to escape into another world.
In confession yesterday, when I confessed that I drink frequently, Father listened. He actually gave me counsel regarding my drinking (all the other priests have skipped over that part - it has been a frequently confessed sin). I wanted counsel. I have never said that I wanted counsel. But in my heart, I want it and needed to have someone actually hear my problems and pain and talk to me about it.
Father said I was medicating with alcohol.
But medicating what?
I have a good life. We make sufficient money for all of our needs (and some of our wants). I have a good job. DH has a good job. We have a wonderful son. We have a beautiful home. We are living close to family. We have good friends. We are in a good church. I visit Jesus each week in Adoration.
What IS my problem???
The only downside that I can think of in my life right now is weight and sometimes, the stress of my job. (Yes ... I have a LOT to be thankful for.)
I've determined that I need to "grow" more willpower.
I need to give up wine. It is not helping me at all. Last night was my last drink.
I need to give up snacking late at night. I need to give up unhealthy snacks. I need to limit myself on the quantity of food that I consume. I don't need to eat in front of the TV. I am re-starting My Fitness Pal to track calories.
I need to exercise. I need to sleep. I am determined to get up in the mornings and exercise. If I don't do it at the beginning of my day, I won't do it. The beginning of my day is full of plans and promises. I need to *keep* my promise to exercise. Something physical. I never learned how to make exercise part of my routine. My parents never exercised. We had PE in school, but after grade school, I didn't do much for sports. DH doesn't exercise. I have been lazy and obviously put other things ahead of my health.
I need to get my body healthy. My husband and my son deserve a healthy, happy wife/mom. I don't want to have 80 extra pounds on me, making it hard to run, climb stairs and do physical things. I had a hard time mowing my lawn last year. I would be out of breath and had to take a break in between mowing the front yard and going to the back. I laid on my living room floor with the fan on me for 30 minutes, trying to catch my breath. I have a hard time carrying Luke up the stairs in our house. His added 35 pounds to my already overweight frame make me out of breath when I get to the top.
When Luke was 2 and we had his birthday party, I saw pictures of myself then and thought, "wow, I'm fat." And I vowed to change. Now Luke is going to be 3 in a few months and I have done nothing to change. Nothing.
I have to change for me. *I* deserve to be happy.
And I'm determined to grow some willpower.
Thanks for listening.
this was really beautiful. your raw honesty is beautiful. my self medications are different (I escape with the Internet and facebook) but i understand the addiction and that change of habits are needed. I pray you find the grace and willpower to do it!
ReplyDeleteYou can do it! I got serious about losing weight 10 months or so ago and i am down 30 lbs. I have little self control but i was determined to succeed!!!!
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ReplyDeleteSorry, I deleted my first comment because I used your real name and I forgot that you blog anonymously…sorry. Anyway - solidarity sister! So much of what you have written here are some of the same things I struggle with. Thank you for your honesty! I don't struggle with alcohol, but I do struggle intensely with carbs and sugar. I too gained a lot of weight after my wedding and I am a LOT shorter than you (5'4"), so the only place it goes is out. Yuck. I eat out of boredom, frustration, or if I am truly honest, I eat because it is one thing I can control and treat myself after a hard, hard day of colicy babies, etc. And yes, I can see how that is a self-medication. Funny, I only gained 28lbs during pregnancy with her and I have lost it all, but I am still 60lbs over my wedding weight. It is bad. Let's pray for each other! ((Hugs))
ReplyDeleteYES. I resonate with so very much of what you have written. I need to lose about 60 pounds to get back to my healthy wedding weight. I've started cutting back on food 2 weeks ago and have lost 8 lb.....I've told myself to aim for 1 lb a week and be satisfied if that is all, because that adds up to 52 lb a year. Food/laziness is an addiction, but together with God, you can conquer it and start feeling energetic and confident!!! Two great books: Reshaping It All (Candace Cameron Bure), and Made To Crave (Lysa Terkeust). Please update us on your progress! I will pray for your strength to persevere.
ReplyDeleteYou CAN do this!!!! :) I will keep you in my prayers!
ReplyDeleteI just started the 21 day sugar detox... I feel so much better - more energy, less cranky, etc when I eat healthier! Chasing around a 2-almost-3 year old is tiring! :)
I think you are absolutely wonderful! It is beautiful that in letting yourself be real and honest, you are already inspiring other people as well.
ReplyDeleteYou've got this!! Thanks for sharing this journey with all of us. The hardest part is the first step. Looks like you're already past that, so I'm looking forward to cheering you on as the journey progresses. :)
ReplyDeleteI am on the opposite downslide. I have been skinny this past year after finally taking my health seriously. But, I am out of will power to keep going. I started eating junk food and drinking more wine. I feel like I earned it after a long day. Problem is I am starting to add pounds. I partly don't care yet but after reading this, I know where my habits will lead. I still am not sure if I can make exercise a priority.
ReplyDeleteThis is a super positive step in the right direction! I am also overweight. Conquering it one step at a time. Might I recommend breaking your 80 lbs. up into 10 lb goals? I've been doing that for the past 8 months and have zapped 65 lbs. by using that technique. Nothing else worked as well before I tried it that way. It's SO much easier to focus on 10 lbs. immediately ahead of me (never used to believe that...until it magically worked).
ReplyDeleteI've also been keeping track of my weight on a graph HERE and that has helped me see the slow decline (or failures when they creep in and I lose my resolve.
Keeping track of calories didn't work really well for me. If that approach doesn't work for you for some reason, let's chat and I can share more of what has worked for me.
Prayers for your success and your resolve. You've got this! Hope you will keep us updated. You might have just inspired me to share more about my own journey with this topic.