I haven't read many parenting books on discipline other than watching Super Nanny (lol!) and catching a few good blog posts or things on the internet here and there. I say this, as I feel frustrated at times with Luke and how he behaves. I believe he is "testing the waters" with some of his behaviors, as well as trying to figure out these crazy things called "emotions" and dealing with frustration. He is 19.5 months old and I know the "terrible two's" can start early. I'm looking for some ways to correct the following behavior:
Scenario #1: Church
We get a small pew & give Luke space within the pew to sit, stand on the kneeler, rotate his array of books in the book holder, etc. I will read to him his favorite books that we generally save for Church, making them more "special", and he will munch on goldfish or cheerios throughout the Mass. Then, something happens ... like ... we have to stand up, but we were looking at / reading a huge popup book of his open and I can't hold him AND the book, he will get mad/frustrated, throw the book, flail in my arms, flail his arms and hit me in the face, pull my hair, etc. All I can do is to hold his arms together (if he's hitting me) and say "no, don't do that" or "please stop" while people all around stare (mortifying!). Sometimes he's out of control and yelling that we have to head to the back. I know he wants to not be confined and have space to run, but I want to (and am determined to) teach him to at least be quiet in a somewhat confined space for an hour. We are going to be going to Mass for a long time!
Scenario #2: In Public / Restaurants
My entire family (10 of us) went to eat at Cracker Barrel when we went to visit my brother last weekend. Luke sat at the end of the table, by me and my dad. He really loves Grandpa and going on walks with him ... and I think does obey him pretty well generally. Grandpa spoils him and lets him do things that are special ... like drink out of a regular water glass (Luke thinks that's a big hit!). When Luke can't drink out of the special glass for the 8th time in a row, he gets mad and starts to grab for things on the table to throw on the floor. He starts with his sippy cup, then any food, then anything else he can possibly get his hands on ... plates, glasses, utensils, you name it! I understand he is frustrated, but he won't stop after being told don't do that or "no-no", after holding his hands together, after saying "lets be gentle", pushing him away from the table in his highchair so that he can't reach anything ... nothing works. It takes him awhile to simmer down.
Scenario #3: At Home
Luke can't do something with "x" (the remote control, eating/slobbering on my cell phone, climbing on the end table, etc), so he picks up an object and throws it. Typically it is behind the couch or off the back of the chair. He will look at you after he throws it and say "oohhhhhhhhhhh" in a voice where I know that HE knows he did something naughty.
I know you should be consistent, but I have also heard to not say "no-no" too much and "don't spank, that's where they learn to hit", etc. I grew up with spanking as punishment - It sure got the point across. I don't object to spanking. I think Luke's too young for time out ... but maybe he's not. DH likes to yell "NO-NO!" in a very loud voice, but I'm not sure that that's very effective (maybe for life-or-death situations, not every day).
I've tried to ignore Luke's bad behavior (it's just a phase), I've tried to correct it with words other than "no-no", I've tried saying "No!", I've tried spankings ... I just don't know what to do.
What works for you?
Solidarity sister, solidarity! :) So, we are in the midst of some of this as well and so I hear ya. So, take this with a grain of salt because we are just trying to figure this out as well. I will be upfront and say we don't spank. My DH and I both grew up with spanking and I am probably more opposed to it than my DH, but for now, I just don't see how it would be effective with her. Granted, that is my opinion about my daughter, no judgement from me on other parenting techniques! That being said, we try to be consistent, consistent, consistent. Unless we are at church and I have to physically remove her because she is screaming her fool-hardy head off and bothering those around us (oh, the walk of shame, I know it well...) - I ignore the tantrum. So, yes, she has screamed her way around the grocery store because she didn't get to ride the motorized cart (you know the one used by the elderly and handicapped...yeah that one). She has never ridden the motorized cart at the store, but I think she realized one day it looked close enough to the riding lawn mower that my DH lets her ride on sometimes (NEVER when he is mowing, just riding around the block for fun). Anyway, my point is...I tell her I understand that she wanted to ride on the motorized cart but she can't and then if she doesn't calm down, I just ignore. Same thing when it happens at home...sympathize, try to understand why they are upset, but then I show her that I am not going to give into what she wants and go about doing whatever it was that I was doing. Usually, she gets distracted by something else and calms down. The other thing that I do when she is not listening to me or doing something I asked her not to do is give her a warning and count to 3. She knows she needs to come to me by 3 or else I will go to her and pick her up and physically remove her from whatever she is doing. Again not spanking, but maybe putting her in her crib for a minute or two to calm down, or physically restraining her in a cart. For example when she is calm and listening to me in the grocery store she can walk besides the cart, but if she doesn't listen to me (no matter how loud she protests), she has to sit in the cart. Stuff like that. Like I said...we are stumbling along at this a lot too...so take all that I said with a grain of salt. :) Good luck!
ReplyDeleteConsistency! Remove from the fun! We make our kids "put your nose in the corner". They can't see fun. They can't interact with others. If he won't stay there, sit with your back to his back to hold him there. Don't give him any other physical contact during the time out.
ReplyDeleteWe use this in public too. We use this at Chuch (we are in the back numerous times each Mass).
I pray with my kids (and make Bella pray too) asking Jesus to help them control their bodies, be kind with their bodies, control their emotions.
ReplyDeleteI stopped saying "don't hit" or "no throwing", instread I say "Jesus, please help Isaiah to control his body and use to to love You and others". He learns a bigger lesson by hearing this...we all need to pray for self control...it does not come easy...but Jesus will help us!
So hard! I was just on Amazon last night looking at a few toddler discipline books to order! I feel we need to start now. Things I've heard...be consistent (both you and your DH), don't lose your cool, sympathize with them (I'm sorry you're frustrated about x, but...). Anxious to see what others say.
ReplyDeleteI have a very stubborn toddler and we have found that giving him a "consequence" works better than timeout. Such as...if you don't want to eat your dinner, you cannot watch your show before bedtime. Or, if you choose to be mean to your sister, you will no longer be able to play with XYZ. He seems to respond better to consequence vs timeout. We also like to say, would you like to take your bath now or in 5 minutes. It's a way to keep the tantrums under control :) Good luck! You just have to try various methods until you find one that sticks!
ReplyDeleteBTW - it's very important with our son that we follow through. He knows mama means business when I say something will get taken away/no tv etc.
ReplyDeleteThankfully it's a stage...some good articles I've given my parents is from the May.o clinic about tantrums. It's best to ignore but sometimes a parent can't do that...like at church. Little ones seem to know when it's a good time to throw tantrums too..like at church or in the store where they will get some attention...good or bad. You can do time out...he's old enough and I would recommend using his age as to how long...so he's 19 months...maybe one to 2 mins. Children don't usually have a longer attention span than that. A quiet area may work too...if he's getting so frustrated...distractions can help...like at a restaurant...go outside..to the bathroom..until he mellows out. Be consistent...follow through...and you are doing a good job....you are learning along with your son. Sometimes you have to remember that you have to give yourself a break and know that you are not perfect and you may not always know what to do when he tantrums in situations you were not prepared for.
ReplyDeleteFor my own practice, when a child (most of my kiddos are 2) doesn't put a toy away or throws something at me...I do time out or I take my toy bag away..and say "Okay, no toys until you stop." I'm calm and consistent...and this usually works. I tell them "I don't like that.", I use as little language as possible...but they always know I'm not happy. I have one little girl that is very, very stubborn and I just say "I'll wait." and we wait and wait. She will eventually put the toy away or I can do it with her..hand over hand.