I'm just about mental here. It probably doesn't help that it's CD1 either. But I've been thinking of writing this and then deciding not to ... then I should ... then no. Anyway. Here goes.
I'm about fit to be tied with how much help (lack of, actually) I get from my hubby in the day to day. Lets demonstrate. Take today, for instance. Pretty typical. Get up at 6, feed Luke bottle til 6:30, put him back to sleep or play in crib so I can shower and get ready. Shower. Get ready. Husband wakes up about 7:15. Bonus points given as he went to Holy Hour for me last night. Give him a pass. Finish doing hair. Go into Luke's room, get him dressed, in carseat and out the door. I take him to daycare. Husband has left 10-15 mins before me.
Go to work. Work 8-5. Deal with crappy situations. Try and manage two men at work who are our installers, as well as quote some jobs. It's like herding cats.
Its 5:15-5:20. Leave for home. Hubby gets Luke. Meet him home about 5:30-5:40. Get Luke out of carseat and hug, kiss, hold him. Hubby changes clothes, comes out to couch. Has a seat. I play with Luke a little bit more. Have to go to bathroom, get changed, so have hubby watch him. Instead of getting on floor, hubby's version of playing with Luke is to bring him up to sit on his lap. I start cooking supper, Luke wants to nap (he naps between 6-7 for 1/2 hour). Hubby can't put him to sleep. Majorly fussy. I stand up and rock him, walk with him. He dozes. Supper needs to be finished. Ask hubby to help. Huge imposition. Gets up off couch and adds ingredients. Surs back down. Food simmers. Timer goes off. I get up to finish the meal, turn food off and add one more ingredient. Can't do it holding Luke. Put Luke down. Luke wakes up early. Grumpy. Have hubby hold him. Hubby asks if food is ready yet. We eat. Luke plays on bouncer for awhile. Hubby warches tv. Luke gets grumpy. I finish my food on floor with him. He lasts awhile longer.
Fix a bottle one handed then put a fussy Luke to sleep. Doze as Luke is eating. Luke goes to sleep. Come back into kitchen. Put food away. Wash all bottles. Wash a load of dishes by hand. Start dishwasher. Clean counters. Pick up living room. Feed cats. Hubby still sitting on couch.
SO FRUSTRATED I CAN SCREAM!!!
What can I do to get him to help? I've tried asking ... he says I nag. I've tried being silent and doing it anyway, I get really burned out. I feel like I'm his butler or something, not his wife.
I could deal with the house stuff and picking up, but I'm more irritated than anything about the way he interacts with Luke. He never plays on the floor with him. It's always me (which I don't mind all all, trust me), but I want him to *want* to play with Luke and enjoy him being a little boy. Not playing video games or being on the computer all the time. I am mostly sad for Luke and don't want this pattern to continue as Luke gets older.
Ladies, how do your husbands help around the house and how do you get them to help? Am I crazy for wanting my husband to help? Did your husbands play with your 6 month babies voluntarily? I'd like to get some input on whether I'm overreacting or whether this is severe PMS.
I'm glad to see I'm not the only one who's life looks like this!!!
ReplyDeleteI get completely frustrated with my husband almost daily. I try to remember he's "built" differently thank I am... A few years ago I didn't make dinner for a few days, when he finally got around to cooking his comment was, "that's okay, I'm really not that hungry". WELL THE REST OF US ARE!!!
I would like to say he will change, but I'm basing my comment off of personal experience and in our home it hasn't. Sorry!!!
Oh no! That's what I'm afraid of too ... him not changing.
DeleteThat sounds very frustrating! Minus the 6-month-old baby, it sounds not dissimilar to how things often happen in my house. And truly, I have no answers either. I too go back and forth between feeling like I'm nagging or being silent and angry. Maybe talking about the situation with your DH at a time that isn't the moment when you want him to take action will help with the impression he gets of "nagging." I'll say a prayer for you guys!
ReplyDeleteJan, that is a GREAT idea! I always want to comment "in" the situation. And then it never comes out the way I want it. I will try that for sure.
DeleteObviously I have no experience or advice to help with this situation, but I'll pray that you are able to find some kind of answer!
ReplyDeleteThanks, CM! :-)
DeleteAlthough we don't have kids, my husband is the same way around our little nephews. Until they become mobile, he's not super comfortable holding/caring for them. But him watching them, usually involves, the TV on & the toy box out & spread out all over the floor. Have you tried making any meals ahead, so the prep time is shorter, or crockpot meals.( i know, he's still not helping a bunch but more time for you to spend with Luke hopefully). Is Luke eating cereal/babyfood, that he helps with feeding?
ReplyDeleteI need to do more crockpot meals. I do like the ease of them. :-)
DeleteLuke is eating cereal, but DH has not taken an interest in feeding him either. That's something else I do too, along with give him baths.
A couple of thoughts for you:
ReplyDelete1) a lot of men aren't sure what to do with babies until they can interact and talk back with them, so while I can't promise, I've seen lots of disengaged Dad's engage big time about 18 - 24 months. (I realize this does nothing to help now). This isn't true all the time, but often.
2) (don't hate me and promise to read #3 & 4) I heard this at a marriage prep weekend I was working, and while it is exponentially harder on CD1 it has really helped to keep me from feeling bitter or angry when I'm busy doing stuff around the house: View what you are doing as service to your husband and son. Instead of chores that you "have" to do, view it is a gift a service to your family. Sometimes I repeat this "I'm serving my family. I"m serving my family with joy." over and over again to keep from snapping. It's surprising how well it works and shifts my mood (most of the time)
3) How has your relationship with DH changed since Luke arrived? Of course it has, and it's a good thing that it has, but I think sometimes men think nothing will change. Maybe an evening getaway - or even overnight, I know that means leaving Luke, but the best gift parents can give their child is a good, loving marriage. This may help DH to get he's still important in your life and that you need to work as a team more than ever now.
4) When it is no longer CD 1, and with a glass of wine, ask a very open-ended non-threatening question like: tell me how you are thinking/feeling about how our daily life is working right now? or start with "how would you (your DH) like to see things change in our home?" I've had these conversations with The Man and they are SO productive, even if I end up being the one to list what I'm hoping to see change, the fact that I asked him first w/o dumping on him, really helps him to see that I want us to work as a time and have a life that we are both happy with.
Ok, assuming we are still friends, I hope this was helpful. I'll send lots of prayers your way! (Also - have you read/are you familiar with the 5 Love Languages? If not, I highly recommend it as well.)
Rebecca, I definitely don't hate you!!! I appreciate your input so much!!! I've heard that men aren't as engaged with littler babies, but I didn't know if that was my imagination or if others could corroborate. :-)
DeleteActually, I'd been trying to say the "what I am doing is a gift to my husband" when I was fuming last night. :-) How ironic! I think I read it on Sew's blog??? Not sure, but it was somewhere. My "devil-side" won, as you can see I wrote this lovely post and wasn't very positive at all. I would like to read the info about the 5 love languages. I know DH likes to show me he loves me by "doing", while I'm more verbal, but that's all I know. I know there's more to that. We do need to work on communication more, because whatever comes out of both our mouths, comes out wrong. That for sure has changed since Luke. :-)
I will be asking the open ended questions you suggested. I'm up for anything! :-)
Thanks so much!!!!!
Oh dear. :( I'm sorry to hear this. Perhaps a good long conversation is in order to share how you feel about things? Like the PP said some men feel more comfortable with babies when they're a bit older so perhaps that's part of it? As for meals, my husband and have been playing a game that's kind of like the TV show chopped where we give each other a few ingredients and then we take turns making dinner once and awhile. I'm staying at home with the baby now so I make dinner most of the time but I think it's different that you're working full time too. I think crock pot meals are a good idea too. Thinking of you!
ReplyDeleteI do need to have a conversation, that's for sure. :-) I will just have to turn DH into a chef! :-) He does do a great job grilling, so I will have him help more with that - provide more compliments and see where that gets me. :-) Thanks!
DeleteI can't say I would be as gentle as some commenters suggest, I would probably go for the smackdown. "Listen here buster, this is our life, and our kid. We lead this family together, and we are both responsible for our baby and our livingspace. Get it together and pitch in." :)
ReplyDeleteOn a more serious note, my husband and I have a deal that I need to tell him when I need help. I think a lot of guys are trained to be oblivious to house and baby stuff. So our rule is if I am starting to feel like I'm working while he is kicking it, I say "Hey, can you feed L, while I finish cleaning up the living room." or something like that. I have permission to direct his attention to what needs to be done, and he cannot count this as nagging, but rather must cheerfully contribute as I have asked. It has hugely improved how we communicate about house/kid needs, and helped me to feel less burdened. Obviously this is just our experience, so I'm sure it wouldn't work for everyone, but just wanted to throw it out there :)
I LOVE that your DH can't count your request for help as nagging! SOOO awesome! I will bring THAT up with my DH. If I am "doing this for my husband / son cheerfully", I will bring that up to my DH and also have him cheerfully help.
DeleteI'd love the feeling of being less burdened. I just feel overwhelmed most of the time.
Same boat as you. Not fun. Not fair. I sulk about it a lot. This didn't happen to us until Isaiah (our second) was brought home. Daddy just wants to take care of his little princess and doesn't want to help with the difficult child (Isaiah). It makes me angry and sad.
ReplyDeleteI don't like the feeling that my child is being "ignored" for something (or someone) else. Do you feel like you are a single parent this way? I totally feel you on the "not fair" part. (((hugs))))
DeleteI'm sorry you're going through this! I think it's really important to communicate how you're feeling to your husband. It might be hard, but it will be worth it. And maybe he will open up too. Perhaps he is still adjusting to the change of having a baby in the house or maybe he misses the time when it was just you two? I'm just throwing out guesses, because obviously I have no idea how he feels. I am all for doing my household duties and serving my husband, but I think I definitely prefer to be frank with my husband and tell him exactly how I feel when I'm pushed to my limit. I might say something like, "I feel like I'm overwhelmed and it seems like you don't notice or care when I am doing so much around the house. I can't keep doing all of this, and I need your help."
ReplyDeleteAs far as how he is bonding with Luke, I guess I might try encouraging and praising him when he is with Luke, maybe he needs a little confidence boost that he's a good daddy? If that's not it, the direct honest truth, communicated with love, about how you're feeling is always the quickest way to a possible change, in my opinion. "Do you like spending time with Luke? It seems to me like you'd rather..." "I'm sure he will be more interactive and fun as the months go by, but I wish you would be present to him more now because I'm worried about ..."
I don't think you're overreacting. If I worked full time and had to do all the things you described, I would be so worn out and upset. I don't meant to pry, but do you need to work full time? Perhaps cutting back on the time you are away from the home would give you more peace and down time...
I hope I didn't over step my bounds in this comment. I don't mean to pry and hope I'm not being too "preachy", I just really believe in communication.
I will be praying for you and your husband! God bless you!
I love your sayings! I will write those down on my hand and ask my DH ... they are so GOOD! I always come across more "snarky" than I want to and am not as objective and tip-toe-y with him as I am with my clients at work. I know I should be more conscientious and treat him like he is a client.
DeleteI'd love to cut down, but my job doesn't offer the flexibility. There are only 4 of us in the company and when one person isn't there, things fall apart. I have cut back working overtime, where I used to work til 6 or 6:30 or 7 some nights just to get caught up. Now I leave at 5 ... I do feel like I have more time working just normal hours!
No over stepping here! You have some GREAT ideas! I will try them all!
From my experience, which is a little different since I am home all day, I get so burned out and I am thrilled to give him the baby so I can have some time to think but he needs time to recoup too.
ReplyDeleteAnyway-what works for us. Communication is huge for us, we're pretty good at it and I recall that it's big for you and your Hubby. I have 2 tactics--I either write a note/letter. I can be really honest in writing but since it's not my voice it doesn't seem as naggin and then there's no interrupting. This usually leads to a healthy discussion. OR I pick the one thing I really really need and that's the only thing I expect from him. For instance I tell him, "what I really need from you tonight is for you to wash the bottles and that would be a huge help." Then I thank him profusely for doing it. Some days the only thing that will get done is the bottles but I figure if he's helped in someway and C can still eat tomorrow it's a small victory.
As far as playing: Husband doesn't mind playing but he has a real aversion to the floor. He hates sitting/laying on the floor. He will but he doesn't like it. His best times are taking C for walks by himself and then playing on the bed or while he's in his high chair. I love when they go for walks because I can get s much done!
Just my two cents! Praying for you guys!
Your suggestion of letter writing is a great idea! My thoughts won't come out wrong ... hopefully ... as they usually do when I don't think before I speak. :)
DeleteDH does have an aversion to the floor - he likes the couch only - but I haven't tried the high chair ... maybe DH's job can be to feed Luke ... it will be soon to cold to go on walks.
Wonderful ideas! Our communication needs to be strengthened for sure!
Here's the thing...I nag and usually feel bad about it, but its hard when you feel so,overwhelmed. I like what Rebecca said in theory about serving your family, but I think the serving needs to be something you and DH are on the same page about, especially because you work too.
ReplyDeleteI worry about this stuff too and wonder how it'll all work once I go back to work. I'm dreading it, but we need health insurance. I do agree with the above mentioned advice: talk to DH when you don't need him to take care of a task right that second. It always seems to help when I try this approach with Chris. Also waiting until after CD1 is a good idea too. Praise and positive reinforcement go a long way too. Chris is always more willing to help when I recognize the things he is doing.
As far as playing with Luke, no help there except to say guys are just different than we are. It seems like your DH loves Luke and I know guys tend to be more comfortable as the kiddos get older too!
I will agree wholeheartedly about DH and I being on the same page when it comes to serving. That would make it easier to serve.
DeleteI need to get back on the bandwagon of praising and reinforcing his good behavior. I think DH told me that he does like that. But I am not good that that, so I need to make that a goal ... to get better at that.
I hate to make you think it will all go to hell in a handbasket when you go back to work, but obviously it takes better communication than I have (you will be great!). A rough patch. It is easier now to care for Luke, but now DH's and my relationship is rockier. Who would have guessed?
I hate having to keep a job because of health insurance. It is the worst. My DH has to keep where he is and can't stay at home because he provides our health insurance and I don't. I think it is worse for a mom - the urge to be at home. It was hard to go back to work, but I do love my daycare lady and Luke thrives at daycare with the kids. He loves looking at them and interacting with them! Mom and dad aren't as entertaining when he gets home. :-)
Oh boy. This is so difficult. My dh was the same. But now is a lot better. I don't know about other husbands but mine does really well in robot mode. So he cleans the kitchen after dinner like a robot. NO matter what, he does it. It kind of cracks me up actually. However, can't say the same about the garbage. I think men do relate way more to children when they get older and are easier but there is certainly no reason why he couldn't cook and/or clean kitchen if you are with Luke. I probably would ( and this probably isn't good advice)make myself some dinner and clean up after myself and look after the child while giving my husband the silent treatment. Then I would cry myself to sleep. :) I suppose what would be most constructive would be to say now that you have a baby your duties have increased and you would like him to contribute to the extra duties either by cooking,or cleaning, orbathing/feeding Luke. My brother and his wife do rotation. One night kitchen, next night kids.
ReplyDeleteI have done the dinner (I did cook for us both, though) and play with Luke, but give DH the silent treatment. I don't think he noticed. :-)
DeleteI really like the rotation idea. That is very fair! I will have to bring that up. I wish we could just share responsibility - it would take a load off!
Oh, sweetie. This is such a hard one; especially where both of you are working full-time. I'd have a lot of the same thoughts and concerns that you do, and me being the vocal person I am, would definitely have a conversation with DH and talk about all the household chores. I'd work to divide them between the two of you, or maybe even assign chores for the week/month. It sounds like you are just falling apart, and I'd tell your DH that. Tell him that you can't keep going on like this, that things needs to change, and see what ideas or suggestions he has. Definitely read the 5 Love Languages book as you referenced above. It might help to start speaking his love language if you haven't been. You have so many things pulling you in different directions: work, Luke, DH, and the house. You cannot do it alone; you should no do it all alone. Figure out what DH can do. Praying for you!
ReplyDeleteFalling apart describes me exactly to a T! I'm a little naive to think I could even attempt to do it on my own ... after all, I'm blessed to not be a single mother, so my husband should share in everything ... not-fun-stuff included. DH and I will have a chat about what he can do. Thanks for the reinforcement that I'm not crazy! :-)
DeleteYou've got some great advice here. I've been in your exact shoes. Of course, a nice convo when both of you are calm is best. Unfortunately, Guitar Man and I have worked out our current system after years of blow ups, reconciliation and forgiveness. I've been rather sassy with Guitar Man throughout the years. A couple things helped us. Might not help you so take it or leave it. We used to have a binder called a cooperation journal (hubs idea). Every night we'd try to sit down and coordinate a bit about the next day and he would write it down. The other thing that helped is that he took over one thing at a time. First it was that he paid the mortgage. Then slowly, he started paying all the bills. It probably took about a year. Now it's his 'job' and he's really proud of it. Then because I was always going over budget, he started doing the grocery shopping. he grocery shopping. He's also errand boy whenever we need anything. Which is basically everyday because I'm always forgetting something. I'm not sure what really prompted him to start helping me. I think he saw me exhaust myself day after day. Plus the blowups. In retrospect, I could have told him calmly at night before bed the same thing I told him in the fights. The thing that really helped though is prayer. I said countless rosaries for him with the intention of him finding his vocation. I thought that would be open enough so that we'd both be open to God's will, whatever it was. The 30 day St. Joseph Prayer has helped anytime we are at a stand still. Being a father wasn't natural for Guitar Man. It's hard when you are in that situation. You are going to get through it with baby steps, perseverance, communication and prayer. you will be in my prayers in a special way this week. God Bless.
ReplyDeleteSassy ... you have read me like a book, girl! :-) I have that down pat. :-)
DeleteI LOVE the idea about a coordination journal! Then DH would have no excuse - he would be prepared. I do appreciate you mentioning the St. Joseph prayer - I do have a great love for St. Joseph and know he would help DH and be a good role model for him.
If there's one thing I can do, it is prayer - and I am pretty stubborn, so I bet I could get the perseverance thing down too. :-) Thank you SO much for the prayers!
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ReplyDeleteThis is a very simple suggestion, but I think husbands LOVE to be told that you find it attractive when you see them interacting with and caring for your children. And if your husband knows that if you are less exhausted/overwhelmed that you will have more energy and desire for intimacy...well, that might be your best tool yet. Husbands connect to their wives via intimacy, and that is the way God set it up. (They get the same rush of oxytocin (bonding hormone) that mom's get while nursing/caring for children.)
ReplyDeleteGood luck to you!
Thanks! I do need to remember to tell my DH that I do find it attractive when I see him playing with Luke because I DO!! I should be more vocal ... In a positive way. :-)
DeleteI think it's definitely a common thing that men don't know what to do with babies! I remember Hubby wouldn't play with the baby the same way I did, and it would frustrate me and occasionally I'd tell him "It doesn't even seem like you like to spend time with your son!". He was always confused - of COURSE he does, it's just that a baby is a lump on a blanket (to most men) at that young age. As Isaac started sitting up, laughing more, interacting more, Hubby got more interested. And now that he's running around, has an obvious interest in Hubby's guitar playing, able to play with toys, Hubby spends hours playing with him. Don't fret about that part - it will come, I promise!
ReplyDeleteAs far as the helping out around the house, when Hubby and I both worked full-time, he helped cook and did all the "manly" chores (garbage, etc), but I did everything else pretty much. Now that I'm a SAHM, Hubby still does the manly chores and Mom and I do everything else. If I didn't have my mom, my husband's solution would be to hire outside help, because he just can't contribute a single minute more with the amount of work and school work he has. Sometimes I get frustrated with him not picking up after himself at least, but then I realize that he's given me the best gift in the world by providing for me so I can stay home with Isaac, and he does work so darn hard every day (even weekends) that I try and cut him some slack.
I would say that after 10 years of marriage, I've definitely found that communication is key. Men sometimes shut down when they hear emotion rather than reason, so maybe try approaching your hubs at a time after baby is in bed and you aren't upset. I've had success with approaches like, "I know this isn't your intention, but when you don't seem eager to spend time with the baby, it makes me feel like I am all alone in parenting."
Hope things improve soon! It's so hard to not be on the same page as your spouse :(.
P.S. If you haven't read The Surrendered Wife, it really is great! I read it years ago and it really helped me talk to my husband in a way that he would respond to that wasn't "naggy" or disrespectful. I would say that just my change in tone really had a big effect on how we interacted with each other. It was amazing!
ReplyDeleteRead Surrendered Wife :)
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ReplyDeleteI haven't read all the comments, so maybe some of this has been suggested already. But first, pull out your crockpot (or get a crockpot) and start looking up recipes. The crockpot saves me from going nuts at dinner, and I'm home all day to prepare. But it's hard with kids, and having dinner ready when you get home is awesome. Second, talk to your husband about how you feel overwhelmed and could he take some of the tasks from you. After all, you BOTH work hard all day, so it shouldn't just be ONE of you who shoulders the evening tasks. If he's not comfortable entertaining the baby, maybe he can be the one daily in charge of cleaning up after dinner or washing bottles. Maybe ask him if the three of you can turn the tv off for an hour every evening and just play together/discuss your day. That may help open up the doors of communication.
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I do Engaged Encounter as a couple ministry, and we have learned a lot by writing/presenting the talks. The biggest thing is the concept of making life-giving decisions and being life-giving in your actions toward one another. That means that you make little sacrifices to help make the other's life easier. So if you could BOTH focus on making at least one life-giving sacrifice a day for each other, that would be a start.
We have been doing better with communication. I really appreciated your affirmation that it shouldn't be only one of us doing all the tasks! I can start small with one sacrifice a day for him - GREAT suggestion!!!
DeleteI didn't read all the comments. So I hope I'm not repeating. I found your blog via Matching Moonheads by the way. This post spoke to me as I have this argument / conversation with my husband at least biweekly. And I have a 2.5yo and a new 8wo.
ReplyDeleteI can say from experience that dad's do engage A LOT more when the kids get more interactive and mobile. My husband, not a fan of babies, takes my oldest on bike rides and outside to throw balls and play games and look at spiders and crickets and those sorts of things. They get on very well now. Him and the 8wo old actually get along much better than he EVER did with our first. Men just don't have the instincts for baby care like women do, or at least my husband doesn't have them as well as I do. I have met some fathers who are all about baby care. I just didn't marry someone like that!
As a wife that's coming down from A LOT of anger from this weekend and the lack of help I had with the boys ... my advice is this ... try not to say anything in the moment. Do the chores, I like what the other folks said ... you're doing the chores because you love your family. And while you're thinking of all the bad things the husband is, try to think of the good things he is. My husband isn't as much help with household chores, but he's very creative with playing with my son, and he works very hard. These are hard to think of in the moment.
My other great piece of advice ... go out to dinner with girlfriends. Get away. That almost always works for me. Step back, perspective, and come back with a better attitude.
I haven't tried "a good thought" for a "bad thought", but I'm up for it!
DeleteAnd you're right ... perspective always helps! :-)
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