10 day wait ....

Well, I'm patiently waiting again for this cycle to be over with.  I have 10 days left until P+15 (or CD 1).  I am usually a "P+13 or 14" kind of gal.  I thought this cycle kind of sucked, myself, with sporadic 8CKL mucus only showing up after I go #2 (TMI, I know ... but I think that low 'fluid' is my #1 problem).  I am on Amoxicillian day 10 up to Peak and it seems like things start out with a bang on day 9 (before I even take the Amox), but then it tapers off.  I'll have to ask the nurse at my next cycle review if there's something else we can do.

At the end of April, it will be 7 months since my laparotomy at PPVI.  It will be only 3 months since my thyroid surgery, which I guess was when they said I'd have the best chance to try ... not knowing what my crazy thyroid was doing.  There have been a LOT of great pregnancy announcements from the infertility blogs in the last month!  I am SO happy for everyone ... yet so jealous at the same time (darn my human nature).  I wanted to be one of those people who conceived soon after my surgery ... to make it all worth it.  I am an over-achiever.  That's what I strive to be, both at work and in baby-making.  (At home is a different story.  I am not a great or a motivated house-cleaner!)

If you tell me to do something, I will do it.  The semi-exception is the Endometriosis Diet, which I think is SO hard!  Diets have never been my forte.  I have provided my local doctor with all the info that she would ever want in reference to NFP and my health.  She wanted to just copy my chart at my office visits ... I provided her pre-made color copies all taped together.  She tells me to lose weight, it will help ... I join NutraSystem and lose 20 lbs (it didn't help, I still went to PPVI and had 3 surgeries). 

I guess the reason the name of my blog is what it is, is to remind myself that I should be patient.  My husband, the eternal optimist, tells me, "It is in God's hands.  It is in His timing."  So I wait.  The hardest thing for me to do.  While others celebrate their good news, I must be patient.  It is so hard.  I calculated this morning ... at our 5 year anniversary in August, it will have been 60 cycles of waiting.

What is God's plan in all of this?  We have bought a house and fixed it up.  Although we are blessed financially to not have a child yet and can spend it on non-baby-related items/expenses, I feel like we're also missing out on LIFE.  Smiles, first steps, hugs, bonding, seeing your husband as a great father, making your parents Grandparents for the first time ... the list goes on.

When does my life start?  Will God provide me the opportunity to birth a baby?  Will His plan be for us to adopt?  Where is a SIGN?  I keep looking, but don't see one in sight.  I am not in 'total' despair that God doesn't hear me; I believe He asks us to call out to Him.  I want to begin my LIFE right away.  With all the negativeness of the last 55 cycles, I don't hold out much hope for this one.  Just call me Debbie.  Debbie Downer.